Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CIX, Issue 51, 1 March 1930, Page 21

Wit and Humour

12 "[ say, D'Orsay," have you ever Heard that joke about the guide in Rome who showed some travellers two skulls of St. Paul, one as a boy and the other as a man?" •"Aw, deah boy— no—aw, let me heah it."'

There had been an accident, and the sympathetic old lady leaned over ( the victim and smoothed liis forehead. "My poor fellow!" she crooned. "Tell me your name and I will tell your mother." "Thank you," gasped the victim, "but my mother knows my name."

"George, if you buy a motor-car I'll be able to save such a lot of money this summer." "How do you make that out?" "Well, you see, if we go to one seaside resort, as formerly, I'll need seven dresses; but if you buy the car we can go to seven resorts, and I'll need only one dress."

A man, endeavouring to give a telegram over the telephone was having difficulty in making the receiving operator understand the surname of the addressee, which .was Ealing. Acceding to the request of the operator that he letter it, he said: "E—for 'erbert, A—what 'orses eat, Ir--where you go when you dies, I— for injin, them things' in front of trains, N—what, lays eggs, G—for gor blimey. Now, 'aye you got it?"

Little Hupert had come home from school looking very proud of himself. Under his arm he carried a large book. "It's a prize, mother?" he said. "1 won it." His mother rushed forward and kisaed him. "What is it for?" she asked. ' ■ "Natural history. Teacher asked howmany legs-an ostrich had, ' and I said i three." ■ His mother looked puzzled. "But, darling,l, an ostrich has two legs." Little Kupert grinned.„ "I know that now. But the rest of the class said four, so I was 'the nearest."

A visitor was explaining to the pupils the advantages of fur-lined garments, and added:— . "It in better to wear the fur inside than outside, because it is much warmer." A little girl in the back Beat raised her hand, and said: — "If it's so much warmer to wear fur on the inside, why don't the animals wear it that way?"

Traveller: "Did you find a roll containing £50 under my pillow?" Pullman Porter: "Yes, suh; thank you, suh."

Joe: "Congratulations, George. 1 hear you made £10,000 in three mouths in an oil speculation in Persia." George: "That's not exactly correct. It was iv Venezuela, not Persia, and it was a speculation of land, not oil, and it whs three years, not three months." Joe: "No matter, the main thing is that you made £10,000." George: "Even that's'not quite correct. It wasn't £10,000, it was £1000. And I didn't make it—l lost it."'

A well-known speaker lectured to the members of a literary society, and at the end of liis address the secretary approached him with, a cheque. This he politely refused, saying that it might be devoted to some charitable purpose. "Would you mind," asked the secretary, "if we add it to our special fund?" "Not at all," said the speaker. "What is the special fund for?" "To enable us to get better lecturers next year."

Tho restaurant had gained' a name for the meagreness of the food it provided. One evening a large, unsuspecting stranger walked in and sat -down at a table in the corner. "Is the steak good?" he asked the waiter who came to take his order. "If so, I'll have some." The waiter nodded and disappeared. Five minutes later he returned with a big plate, containing the usual under-sized portion. The diner examined the morsel of steak for a moment. Then he looked up and smiled his approval. ' "Yes," he said, in a loud voice, "that sample doesn't look so bad. Please bring me some."

JUST A FILLY.

"Henry," said the young wife suddenly, "who is Phyllis?"1 Henry replied without a moment's hesitation. "Don't you know, dear, Phyllia is the horse I was told to back yesterday. By the way, you won thirty-five shillings on her. I shall get the money to-day." "Henry," said the young wife when her husband returned that evening, "you know .that horse you backed yesterday 1" "Yes, dear." "It's been ringing you up on the telephone." Hubby was equal to the occasion, however. "There you are, my dear, shows you the sort of information I got—straight from the horse's mouth."

FIFTY-FIFTY.

Isaacs had been away for a. trip, and on his return met Cohen, looking as jf he owned the world. i "Hullo, Cohen," he said, "you are looking well. Have you made monish?" "I have, mem friend," said Cohen. "Making chceken pies for the peoples." • "Cheeken pies! For how much?" "Threepence each, Isaacs." "Threepence for cheeken pies! It could not pey done." . "But, Isaacs, I put in some horse.' "Ah, now, you vos speaking. You will use more horse than cheeken?" "No, no. It's fifty-fifty all ze time." "But I say it cannot pey done, Cohen. You buy more horse than cheeken, eh?" "I do not, mem friend. One cheeken, one horse."

SAFETY FIRST.

Mrs. Musserup: "I want to do some shopping to-day if the weather's nice.What is the report in the paper?" Hubby: "Thunder, lightning, rain, hail, and cyclonic winds."

OUR ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

"The essence o' bad luck; that's what I calls, it," grumbled Sikes to his crony. •'l'd- made an entry into the blooming shop and was removing the gay raimentoff the hooks on the wall, and just as I was about to tie up a bundle a blinding ray o' light hit me slap in the eye." "Watcher do then, Bill?" "I dropped the goods and made off while the going was good." "I s'pose you thought 'twas the perlice?"1 "Ay, I did so! An' me not being over fond o' he, either." "So you vamoosed," chortled his crony, "leaving the raiment without stopping to see what the 'ray meant,' hey?"

DENSE.

Gome men were discussing their gardens. One remarked that he could not understand why his peas were"so yellow that Beason. Auother replied: "I can tell you how to cure that. Put them on a No. 19 bus. That's the way to Turnham Green." This jest having a great success, the victim of it determined to use it again. The nest time he went out he introduced the subject, but when he came to his point he exclaimed: "That's the way to make 'em green." He could not understand why nobody laughed.

TOO MANY OF THEM.

A bricklayer applied for work ou a large building job. The foreman asked: "Are you fairlyhandy?" The man replied: "Yes, sir, I can do anything with a trowel." The foreman picked up a trowel and etnrted twirling it round in- his fingers. "Can you do this?" said he. "I can," said the man, and started to do the earnc. "Ah," said the foreman. -".I am afraid I can't start you. I have' too many oi: your Bort already."

Lawrence: I think Oliver is quite cracked. Richard: Well, his girl has just dropped him.

'Oluviel says she believes only halt she hears." - ■■ , ■ "Yes, but she hears twice as much as anybody else!"

Father was standing on the hearthrug lecturing his son and daughter. "The trouble with you young people of to-day is," he bellowed, "that you smoke, drink, dance, and flirt too much." "But, dad, darling," protested his wayward daughter, "that's not trouble —it's pleasure." . j

The new barber had cut him badly in several places. "Give me a glass of water, please," gasped the victim. "You aren't going to faint, I hope?" said the barber in alarm. "X 6; I just want to see if uiy mouth still holds water."

While walking along the street, an epileptic dropped in a fit, and was quickly rushed to the hospital.' Upon removing his coat, one of- the nurses found a piece pinned to the lining, on which was written: "This is to inform the house surgeon that this is just a case of plain fit —not appendicitis. My appendix has .already been removed twice."

The loiul-voicei!■man was-holding forth in the saloon bar ou the iniquities of lawyers. "Show me a lawyer, and I'll show you a coward," he exclaimed heatedly. Slowly a big man rose to his feet and fixed the orator with a cold eye. "I am. a lawyer," he said ominously. "Oh, well," re'glied the other meekly, "I'm a coward."

A young boy halted before a blacksmith's shop and eyed the doings of the proprietor with great interest. The brawny 'smith, who was annoyed at the boy's curiosity, held a piece of red-hot iron suddenly under the youngster's nose, hoping to make him' beat a hasty retreat. ."If you give me half a crown I'll lick it," said the'lad. The 'smith took from his pocket half a crown and held it out. The boy took the coin,, licked it, placed it in his pocket, and slowly walked away whistling.

EAGER FOR THE JOKE.

. "What's the matter, Rastus? You seem as mad as a wet hen." "Well, why shouldn't I be? The doctor what operated .me foil 'pendicitis went and sewed me up wif white thread."

SAM GOT THERE THAT TIME.

Old Sam Harris was taking his Sunday, morning walk looking very spruce indeed. "Hullo, Sam," hailed an acquaintance, "you be a proper swell this ' mornin'. Where did you get all yer clothes?" "Well, it be like% this," said Sam. "We've got some visitors* stayin' at our house over the week-end, an' I happened to get dressed first."

THE SHUFFLE.

Two unemployed, miners started a small drapery business to make a living, and, needless) to'say, soon received a letter from a creditor complaining that their account was long overdue. The reply he got to his request for prompt payment was:— "At the end of every month we put all our unpaid bills in a pile on the table. Then we draw six out. These six are paid. If we have any more of your impudence you'll not be in the shuffle at all next month."

SHOOT.

Recently one of our fellow-townsmen went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked what he wanted most. "One million dollars' worth of jewellery," he replied. He got it. A ' darkey, immediately in his wake, when asked the same question, replied, "Boss, Ah just craves a pair o' bones an' a crack at dat boy ahead o' me."

HE WAS NOT A GLOOM.

The storm was increasing in violence and some of the deck fittings had already been swept overboard when the captain decided to send up a signal of distress. But .hardly had the rocket burst over the ship'when a solemn-faced passenger stepped on to the bridge. "Captain," he said, "I'd be the last man on earth to cast a damper on anyone, but it seems to me that this is no time for letting off fireworks."

WHY SO EARLY?

A New York State farmer engaged the services of a wanderer who one night applied to him for a night's lodging and something to eat. All went satisfactorily for a week or so, and then the farmer routed out the newly hired man about 3.30 one morning. "What's up, boss1?" queried the hobo, drowsily rubbing his eyes. "Time to get up and go to work." "What's the big idea?" "We're going to reap." "Reap what?" "Oats." "Are they wild oats?" "Wild oats? Of course not. Why?" "Well, if they ain't wild oats, why do we have to sneak' up on 'em like this in the dark?"

BUSINESS IN THE HOME.

Cohen arid his family sat down to dinner on Sunday. To his three little boys Cohen said: "Now, children, which of you would vant a threepenny piece instead of meat for your dinner?" Each of the three decided in favour of the cash settlement, so Mrs. Cohen put the meat away. Then she brought in the pie and put it on the table. "Now, my children," inquired Mr. Cohen, "how many of you vant threepence worth of pie?" I

NOT EFFECTIVE. -

"Atishoo!" went the occupant of the corner seat in the railway carriage. '"Atishoo!" he repeated a moment later. He turned to the man sitting beside him. "Hay fever," he explained. "Always get it in this hot weather." The second man nodded sympathetically. Then he dived into his pocket and brought out a little round box. "Try some of this," he said. "It's a special cure for it." The sufferer removed the lid and gazed with interest at the powder in the box. "Is it any good?" he asked. "Any good?" said' the owner warmly, "Well, sir, I'-e had hay fever for thirtvtwo years, and I've never taken anything for it but this."

THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE. ,

The visit of the French warship Tou»ville to New Zealand recalls a story tolfi by our graudfathers. . 1 On the defeat of Napoleon at Waterloo news travelled around of Wellington's victory. It spread at length to Scotland] and one day two Scotch ladies, returning from church, heard of the event. . "Is it no supreesin', Kirstie," said one, "that the Breetish aye beat the French in battle?" "Not in the least, Maggie," waa the reply. "Dinna ye ken that the Breetish aye pray before gaun into battle?" "But canna the French pray, too?" "An' wha'd understand them if they did? Jabbering bodies!"

NO ANSWER.

A young man; his face flushed with anger, burst into the office of the electrical company. "Didn't I ask you yesterday morning to send a man. to mend our door-bell?" he demanded. "And didn't you promise to send round immediately?" "But we did send, air," broke in the manager. "I'm certain,of it. Hi, Jones!" he added, calling up a workman. ''Didn't you &o round to Park Lodge yesterday to attend to that job?" "Yes, .sir," replied Jones. "It went round, all right, and. I rang the bell for about ten minutes, but I couldn't.get no answer, so I guessed they must all be out." ' ,