Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CIX, Issue 39, 15 February 1930, Page 21

Wit and Humour

A DRUG. IN THE MARKET. Two tramps were pasisng a church in front of which a notice was displayed, '.'Sale of Work." One turned to the other in amazement. "Lumme, Bill," he said, "they're selling it now." THE EXPEDIENT. "Another new hat how do you induce your husband to pay for them?" "Quite simple; I go and see him at the office wearing the old thing I made myself." IN THE SLUMS. Mrs. Chun- (proudly); "After my old man had been lighting with your.old man tbe doctor put six stitches iv your old man." Mrs. Slogg: "That's nothing. When the doctor saw your old man he said, 'Has anyone here got a sewing machine?' " CHRISTMAS STOCK. Grocer (making up his order for the week): "Do we want any new-laid eggs, George?" George (the assistant): "No, sir; we have enough iv tho storeroom for another six weeks." INGRATIATING. Husband: "This eternal quarrelling is senseless, Ella. Let us be friends again!" Wife: "Where do you need a button on now ?" THE ONE THING NEEDED. The Prospective Groom (gaily): "Will it take much to feather a nest?" Furniture Dealer: "Only a little down?" HE UNDERSTOOD. The manager had had occasion to speak to the new office boy about his conduct. Ho ended his remarks by saying: "And when I ask you a question, you should answer, 'Yes, sir,' or 'No, sir,' as the case may be." "Righto," replied the boy obligingly as he left the room. NOTHING TO STOP HER. "No,.George," said the girl, after he had proposed, "I don't see how I could marry you. I don't think it would be a success. You know, I always want my own way in everything.". "You could keep on wanting that," replied her swain, after we were married." WITH ONE VOICE. Maud: "What's a monologue, daddie?" Father: "A conversation between husband and wife, my dear." "I thought that was a dialogue." "No; a dialogue is where two persons are speaking." THE GUEST HOUSE. "But," protested the visitor, "in the guide you sent me it is stated that your hotel is only fine minutes from the sea. It has taken mo a good half-hour to reach the promenade." "Ah," rejoined the proprietor, "you've been walking. We don't cater for pedestrians." VIRTUE'S REWARD. • Girl (at post office): "Give me a penny stamp, please. But I seem to know you." Clerk: "Yes; I saved you from drowning last week." "Of course—you may give me 12 penny stamps and a postal-order for 55." EVENING CLOSE. "The evening wore on," continued the man who was telling the story. "Excuse me," interrupted the club wit, "but can you tell us what the evening was -wearing?" "I don't know that it is important," replied the storyteller, "but I believe it was the close of an autumn day." NOT ENCOURAGING. _ She had parked her car in front of a five hydrant for two hours. A policeman was waiting for her. Policeman: "I've waited for you for hours—what's your name?" She: "It wouldn't do any good if I told you. You look a nice boy—but my husband is about twice your size and very jealous." NO CHOICE. Kelly and Cohen were having dinner together. Cohen helped , himself to the larger fish and Kelly said:— - "Fine manners you have, Cohen. If I had reached out first I'd have taken the smaller fish." ' \ "Veil," Cohen replied, "you got it, didn't you?" PROVOCATION. An old lady who took a great interest iv municipal matters was walking over a golf course and uoticed the bunkers here and there. She wrote to the town council asking why they didn't engage a number of the unemployed to fill in the many holes on the course, which caused the players so much annoyance and induced so much bad language. ENOUGH FOR TWO. Mistress (to maid): "If such a thing as this occurs again, Louisa, I shall have to get another maid." Louisa: "I wish you would, ma'am. There is quite enough work for two maids in this house." / A NOVEL IDEA. Customer: "Yes, not a bad little car, considering. How much are you asking for it '(" Agent: "Sixty-five pounds." Customer: '"And how much for cash down?" Agent: "Dashed if I know! I'll have to figure it out. You see, I never sold a car lik? that." CRUELTY. "What is that?" asked the old lady in the grocer's shop, pointing to some tins on a shelf. , "This, madam," the shopman replied, reaching down a tin, and showing it to her, "is tinned chicken." "Good heavens!" she exclaimed, "and they haven't pierced a. hole for the poor thing to breathe!" A HOLE IN ONE. A golfing husband was entertaining a friend. They were left alone talking for some time after dinner. Then the wife entered the dining-room to hear her husband pass some remark about "a hole in one." "My goodness," she said, "are you still talking about golf?' ' "No, dear," said her husband, with v smile; "we're talking about socks." THE BALD FACT. An old bachelor, who was quite bald, fell in love with a pretty widow, whose former husband's name was Robin. One afternoon the bachelor dropped iv to have a cup of tea with thu widow, who, when tea was over, began to sing "Robin Adair." The bachelor picked up his hat. "Madam," he said, "even if your husband did have hair, it's no fault of mine that I haven't." "ROOM FOR TWO." "Only room for one," shouted the occupants uf a crowded carriage, in an excursion train, to a middle-aged niarried couple hurrying up at the last moment. "AH right, you.get in,, dear," said the husband. Then, iv a confidential whisper to one of the passengers: "Sir, might I trouble you to ke^p an eye on my wife? She is subject to violent epileptic fits." The passenged looked seared and jumped out. The husband got in just as the engine whistled and the train moved off, leaving the bewildered excursionist to his reflections. A TOUGH NUT. A pullman negro porter in America was thrown from his car when it was derailed, and flew ten feet through the air before he landed head-first up against • a concrete post. He lay '<ialf-dazed, and the conductor came running up. "Great Scott, man!" cried the conductor, "Weren't you killed?" "No," said the porter, vising slowly, "D;i<". concrete nnsl:. musfn broke me fall!"

NOT HIS FAULT. Bricklayer (known as a slow worker): Orl right, keep yer 'air on. Rome wasn't built in a day, yer know. Foreman: That may be, but I wasn't foreman on that job, or things might have been different. ONE OF THE THOUSAND. An artist noted for his conceit was showing a friend his studio. "See this picture?" he said. "Yes." "Well, it's about my best. A thousand wouldn't, buy it." "I'm one of the thousand," said his friend. SPOTTY. "H'm" the optician murmured. "You say the glasses I gave you have not improved your sight? You still see what you call spots before the eyes?" • "That's right," his client replied. "But I must admit that since I wore the glasses I can see "em much clearer than, before!" HEX MISTAKE. For the first time in her life a young woman was travelling to the seaside by train. When she reached a certain station she heard the porters shout: "All change here." She jumped out of the carriage, and, running up to the guard's van, said "Would you mind giving me my brown costume from that trunk over there?" MOKE WATER, PLEASE. "And the name is to be 1" whispered the young curate, as he proceeded to baptise Mrs. Snooks's infant son. "Augustus Philip Ferdinand Codriugtou Chesterfield Livingstone " "Dear me!" (turning to the verger): "A little more water, Mr. Perkins, if you please." JUST A MATTER OF TIME. A man asked an office boy if Mr. Jones or his partner reached the office first in the mornings. "Well," said the boy, "Mr. Jones at first was always last, but later he began to get earlier, till at last he was first, though before lie was always behind. "He soon got later again, and got behind as before, but I expect he'll be getting earlier, sooner or later." TOO MUCH TONE. "I'm afraid," said mother, thoughtfully "we shall have to stop giving Dick that tonic the doctor 6ent for him. "Why?" exclaimed father anxiously. "Isn't it doing himany good?" "Well, he slid down the banisters ten times this morning, broke a lamp, two vases, and a jug, and kicked a football through the kitchen window, and I- don't feel I can stand much more." THOROUGHNESS. A story was told at the time of the general strike of a volunteer workman whose enthusiasm was greater than his experience, and. for whom the authorities at King's Cross Station,' London, •where he was temporarily placed, found it difficult to provide suitable employment. At last he was given an oil-can and scraper, and told to walk down the line cleaning and oiling the points. Nothing more was heard of him until about four days later, when the following telegram was received: "Have reached York. Please send more oil." THE FIRST SHAVE. Watched by his father, who seemed secretly amused, Cecil aged fifteen, was carefully having his first shave. Using somebody's patent safety-razor, Cecil frowned and scraped. Finally he rinsed ihe soap from his face and caressed his ';hin in the approved manner. "That's better!" he said. His father grinned as he handed somethins quietly.to his son. "You've forgotten to use the blade!" he murmured. . I A BIG DROP. j Father, mother, and son lived in one of New York's highest skyscrapers. One morning, attracted by her little boy's cries, the mother rushed into the room and found him leaning out of the window. "'What's the matter, sonny?" she asked. "Father's fallen out of the window." "OI\! Is he hurt?" shrieked the mother. "Not yet," replied the boy. "He ain't stopped falling." SOME FIGHT. Two Irishwomen were charged in a London Police Court for. fighting in the streets and creating a disturbance. The Judge called for a witness to the affair, as he could not understand their brogue. A little boy at once called out: "I saw it all, your Lordship." "Then explain it to me," said the Judge. "It was this way, sir," answered the little boy. "Her hit her, then her hit her, but if her had hit her half as hard as her hit, her would have been dead now, her would." A BAD MISTAKE, At a race meeting a bookmaker was busy paying out a crowd of impatient creditors, and the combined effect of temperature, ■avoirdupois and financial losses was beginning to manifest itself in a growing shortness of temper. A few minutes after settling up, a very timid-looking man came up to him, and in a. trembling half-whisper said: "I'm afraid there's been a mistake about the money I won." • ' The bookmaker gave a pungent and trenchant summary of the man's intellectual shortcomings. The little man was the centre of many prying glances from the crowd, but he screwed up courage to speak. ''Well, I'm sorry," lie said, with many nervous glances around him, "but, you sec, you gave me ten shillings too much." A BROADCAST MIX-UP. A young husband was asked by his bride to copy off a radio recipe. He did his best, but got two stations at once, one of which was broadcasting the morning exercises and the other the recipe. This is what he took down: — Hands on your hips, place one cup of flour on your shoulder, raise knees and depress toes and mix thoroughly in one half cup of milk; repeat six times. Inhale quickly one half teaspoon of baking powder; lowei the legs and mash, two hard-boiled eggs in sieve, exhale, breathe naturally, and sift into a bowl. Lie flat on the floor and roll in the white of an egg backward and forward until it comes to a boil. In ten minutes remove from the fire and rub smartly with a towel. Breathe naturally, dress in warm flannels, and serve with fish soup. A BUSINESS MAN. Paddy walked into the dairy jingling some coins in his pocket. "Good morning," he said to the man behind the counter. "I want half-a-dozen eggs laid by a black hen." The other frowned. "But I can't tell you which of my eggs were laid by a'black hen," he protested. "Can you?" "Sure!" said Paddy. "Very well,"' said the shopman. "You'd better go and pick them out." Paddy did as he. was bid. A minute or two later ho had selected six eggs. "Now tell me," continued the shopman, "how can you pic!' out eggs that have been laid by a black hen?" "Sure, it's aisy." said Paddy. "You see they're always the biggest." . FINAL. The annual match between the busmen and the police in a country town was al ways an exciting event, and this game wap no exception. The excitement began when the pride of the police team was run out. Hitting «n ensy ball the stout policeman ran as he never had run before, and was well past the stumps when the bails were knocked off by a good return from the field. Nobody appealed; but "Out you go!" came from the umpire. "Out!" protested the perspiring man. "Why, I was a couple of yards past the stumps!" "None of that now," commanded tlio umpire "Do you remember saying to me yesterday: 'Don't argue with the Law?' You wars'the .Law then, and you runs me in. I am the Law now and I runs you out. 'Op it!."-