Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CVIII, Issue 120, 16 November 1929, Page 21

Wit and Humour

Oflicer (examining recruit): "Have you any sears on you, my man?'* Recruit—"No, but I can give you a cigarette." .

So Daphne's married at1 last. Did tier father give her away?" Oh! no. He left it for the bridegroom to find out."

<<r yeae'ler —See here, this composition on Our Dog" is the same as your brother's. Jones—ies, sir; you see, it's the same dog.

Merchant—l wouldn't cash a cheque for my own brother. Stranger—Well, of" course, you know your oM-n family better thau I do.

Teacher—Surely you know what the word mirror" means, Tommy. After you have washed your face, what do you look at to see if it is clean? Tommy—The towel, sir.

Vicar (uncertain of date when filling up certificate of baptism): "Let me see this is the eighteenth, isn't it?" Mother: "Oh! Good Lor', no sir: only the tenth?"

Fond Mother—Professor, do you think i) rankle will ever move multitudes with Ins voice? Singing Master—Maybe, madam, maybe, ii you make a policeman of him.

Judge: You say you have known the defendant all your life. Now, tell the jury whether you think lie would be guilty of stealing this money. Witness: How much was it?

Ttoii are "called as a witness of the quarrel between your friend and his wife. VY ere you present at the beginning of the trouble?" "Certainly! I was a witness at their iveddiug." _

Please, ma'am," said a little girl to the woman who lived next door, "mother wants to know if you will lend her your gramophone this afternoon?" • "What an extraordinary request. Is she gonig to give a dance?" 'No, ma'am. . We're tired of dancing to it. She wants to keep it quiet for a couple of hours, so that-baby can sleep!"

The auction saleroom was crowded, and had become uncomfortably hot and stuffy when.the auctioneer put up a lot that did not appear to interest anybody. 'Come along, now, who'll bid? Bid something; I don't mind what." . All .right," shouted a voice from the back. "I've had enough of this; I'll bid you good-day."

Tho children had assembled, and the speaker, anxious to impress upon them the importance of continuing their studies after leaving school, referred to his ownyouthful days. • • ■ He said: "When I left school I obtained a post in an oflice and so discovered that my fellow-office mates had something which I had not. Can anyone tell me what that was?" iA Small Voice—Brains, sir.

A tailor had a great desire to hear one of his patrons, a famous tenor, sing. So the tenor gave him tickets for the performance of "Tosea.'*' and asked ,him the nest day how he liked the show. 'Oh, it was awful, simply awful," replied the tailor. "Awful! How so?" asked the surprised tenor. "Your coat." the tailor groaned,' "was much too tight under the arms."

A backwoods mountaineer one day found a mirror which a- tourist had lost. Well, if it ain't my old dad!" he said, as he looked in the mirrpr. "I never knew he had his pitcher took." '' He took -the mirror home and stole into the attic to .hide it, but hia actions did not escape his suspicious wife. That night, While he slept, she slipped up to the attic and found the mirror. ' ' '"Hum-m-m," she said, looking into it. fao that s the old . hag he's been chasiu'." ' . •■

Tammas Gordon wasn't feeling his usual, so he went. to consult his doctor. ! The doctor examined him and found nothing wrong. "That's strange," said Tammas, "I canna sleep at nichts." . i "What you need," repliedx the doctor, "is a little change." "Mon," replied'Tammas, "ye've hit the nail on the head. Could you lend me a few pounds; it's my accounts that worry me." '

Maggie's.sweetheart, 'a tight-fisted Scot, had taken her out for the afternoon, and that was about all. They rode for some distance on the tram, turned around, and rode home, again. Never was mention made of food or entertainment. Back within her own gateway,' Maggie sarcastically proffered Sandy sixpence. "For the tram fare you spent on me,"she said meaningly., ' - . "Hoots, hoots^ woman," returned Sandy, pocketing the coin, "there was nae hurry. Saturday wad hae been time enough."

.Cohen orders a slice of chocolate cake in a lunch stand, but sends it back, cancelling the order, and. orders, a piece of apple pis instead. He eats it, gets up and is about to leave when the waiter accosts him. "Say, you haven't paid for that pie yet." ' "Vot?" replies Cohen indignantly. "Didn't I gif you the chawclate cake for it?" ,■'.'.■ -......• "But you didn't pay for that either." "And vy should I? Did I eat it?"