WIT AND HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume CVII, Issue 73, 30 March 1929, Page 17

WIT AND HUMOUR.

".Mamma," said little Janet excitedly. | "they showed me an egg-plant at the store. Don't you think it would be a good idea for us to get one of our own?" ".forhaps so, dear, why?"

"Well, you say so many times that we fli'e never sure of getting perfectly fresh ey^s these days."

lie: "Do you kuo.w what June said to me last night':" She: "No." lie: "How did you guess?"

"Why did you leave your last po&l?" "Tliey did something I did not like." "What was that?" "They dismissed me.''

Master (to small boy): "The boy caught a sparrow. What case is 'sparrow'?" Small Boy: "Objective case." Master. "Why?" Small Boy: "Because the sparrow objected to being caught."

liox Office Clerk: "I want some 2-cent stamps." Post Office Clerk: "How many?" Box Office Clerk: "I'll take the three trout rows."

"I bought a new car, and traded in my player piano as first payment." "I didn't know they accepted player pianos as payment on new cars." "They don't usually, but the salesman is a neighbour of mine."

Uncle Jerry was optimistic, always seeing the lining no matter what happened. *"" Eventually he met with au accident and both feet were severed.

"Uncle Jerry," said a friend, visiting him in the hospital, "this is awful." "Oh, well," Uncle Jerry replied, "it doesn't matter much. They were always cold, anyhow."

The teacher was lecturing the class on birds and their young ones. "Now, children," she said, "you musL imitate the young ones when they come out of the shells."

The children started waving their arms, except one little lad, who sat quite still. "Why do you sit still, Johnuy?" said the teacher with surprise. "Because I am a bad cgff," was the startling reply.

A gentleman called upon a friend of his one day and asked if he 'would join with a number of other people in giving financial assistance to a mutual friend who was in great distress. "How much docs the man owe?" was the question asked. ■ "Well, it's rather a large amount," replied the gentleman. "It amounts to a six with two noughts"—meaning, of course, £600. '

"Ah," •'said the generous friend. "Put me down for one of the noughts."

Bach succeeding year .many of the guests returned to a popular resort hotel. One of them was interrogating a child with whom she had made friends the previous year: "Have you the same nurse this year?"

"Oh ,yes, same nurse/ the child replied, casually.

"And who else is with you? Is grandma here ?"

"Oh, yes, same grandma," said she. still more casually.

The visitors at an English summer resort were getting up a theatrical performance. They wished to honour one of the local celebrities who had given them much assistance, but were puzzled how to overcome his difficulty with his "li's." Finally, they invented a part which required him to utter only the word "Silence." On the night of the performance he took his cue, stalked majestically across the stage, raised his right hand, and said: Ush!"

A friend tells me that he went to a chanty dance in a deaf and dumb institution.

, "But how can I ask a girl patient for a dance?" he asked.

Oh, he was told, "just go up to her and point first to her, then yourself, then twirl your hand round and round and wait tor the nod."

He followed the advice,

When he had finished the dance another fellow came up to his partner, and said, "But I thought. Sybil, you ■ booked this dance with me?"

"I'm sorry," she answered. "I did. But how could I explain to this poor deaf and dumb fellow?"

The young curate was about to conduct his first marriage service. A little white and nervous, he proceeded. "To have and to hold," he reiterated to tho deaf bridegroom. "Eh?"

Dry-lipped, the curate slowly repeated the words.

"To 'aye and to 'old," grinned the bridcgrqon\, squeezing the bride's hand. Casting a reproving look upon the pair, the clergyman went ou with the service. "From this day forward." "Mind sayin 1 that agin?" inquired the startled lover.

"From this day forward," repeated the curate.

"Till this dny fortnitt!" came the sur prised murmur.

Three boys entered the village sweet shop. The proprietor said to the lirst boy, "What do you want, my boy?"

"A penn'orth of bull's-eyes, please." The shopman climbed a. ladder, brought down the jar that contained the bull'seyes, made up the packet of sweets, and returned the jar to the shelf. Then he asked the second boy what he wanted.

"A penn'orth of bull's-eyes, please." was the answer. *

"Why didn't you say so before?" said the shopman. As he went up the ladder again he demanded of the third boy, "Do you want a penn'orth of bull's-eyes, too?" "No," replied the boy. ■The shopmau climbed to the shelf again, brought down the jar, made up the second packet of sweets, restored the jar to the shelf, and once more put the ladder away. Then the third boy pipedhip: "Hap'orth of bull's-eyes, please."

DISTANCE NOT ENCHANTING. Boy: When we reach that bend in the road I'm going to kiss you. Girl: Isn't that going a bit too far?