Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CVII, Issue 32, 9 February 1929, Page 21

Wit and Humour

'i'liu Tenderfoot—l can't ride a horse. | I ye never ridden one in my life. Polite Cow Puncher—That's all right. ! We're giving you a horse that has never been ridden, cither. Dad—l don't believe he wants to buy any sheep really. I believe he just comes after dinner. Mum—Why, ho always comes just before dinner, father! Dad—Well, isn't that what I said, mother? Bank Manager—You will need to be identilied, madam. Lady—Certainly. My friend here will identify me. Bank Manager—But I don't know her, madam. . Lady—How silly of me! Of course, I'll introduce you. "The best thing for you to do," said the doctor, "is to give up smoking, drinking anything but water afr your meals, late hours " ■ "Wait," entreated the patient, "what's the nest best thing!" She (nestling closer)—lt was sweet of you to buy me that watch. No one trusts you more than me. He—Oh, yes, dear, there is one. She—Who is that? He—The jeweller. "Well, Marjorie, did you have a nice supper at grandmother's to-day?" "Oh, yes, we had egg, and bread, and butter, and—and —bee jam." "Why, what do you mean by bee jam?| "You know, the jam the bees make!" Caller—l wish I could get a new parlour maid. Hostess —Perhaps my Lizzie would do. Caller—Why; does she want to leave? Hostess—Well, she said she would like to go to a place where they haven't mucn silver to clean. The expense sheet was before the committee. "This seems a needless extravagance— 'ribbons for the type writer'," protested one member. "She may be a very-de-serving girl, but I do not think she should be provided with finery at the expense of this society." Soldiers live on bully beef. Sailors live on ships; Workers live on what they earn, Waiters live on tips. Old men live on borrowed time, Old maids live on tea. Then there are my relatives — They all live on me! "It is very annoying," said the husband to h"is wife, as they were returning from a bridge evening. "You asked what trumps were at least a dozen times." "Yes, dear, 1 know," she replied, "bu I really didn't have to, I was just proving that j was taking an interest in the game." A gentleman, of rather hasty temper entered a cafe, and was immediately approached by a -waiter, who remarked cheerily:— . "I have devilled kidney, pigs' feet, and calves' brains." The diner surveyed him coolly. "Have you?" he snorted. "Well, what are your ailments to do with me? 1 came in here to.cat." ■ : ; "When 1> get to heaven," said the sweet young-thing, "I'm going to tell' Shakespeare I don't believe he wrote all those plays." „■'■'.■ "But supposing he's not there when you get up to heaven?" "Oh, well," she replied, '"you tell him then." , A.schoolboy, the worry of his teacher's life, handed in the following composition on -cats:—- , , V , . "Cats (.hat's 'meant 'for little" boys to maul' and, tease is , called Maultese cats. Some cats ■; is reckernized by how quiet theh\ purrs is, and these is named purrsiau cats. The cats what lias very bad tempers' is-called Angorie cats, and cats With deep feelings is called Feline cats. I don't like ca.tK." ' The centre of attraction-of a confectioner's display was an immense sugar tiger, and-that it might look as realistic as possible, a pair of brilliant glass eyes, which cost 2s each, had been inserted. A crowd of children assembled outside, and, when everything was arranged to the confectioner's satisfaction, lie stood gazing in silent admiration at his grand 'display. He did not notice the entry of a small boy until a smart rap on the counter announced that his first customer had ai'rivcd. ' ■ . : ''Penn'orth of tiger—bit with an- eye in it," demanded the youngster. - '■ - - It was raining, cats, and dogs, and Smith stepped into a shop to avoid getting wet. Noticing a' counter of umbrellas, he decided to, buy a cheap one and go on his way. . "How mucli is this, one?" he asked. "Fifteen shillings, sir," replied the sales man. "Hum!" grunted Smith, "I used to be able to buy an umbrella like that for five shillings." "Yes, I know," came the reply; ''but you must remember that umbrellas always go up when it rains." NOT THERE. Counsel (trying to prove temporary insanity)— Was it the prisoner's custom to talk to himself when he was alone? Witness —I don't remember ever being with him when he was alone! A TERRIFYING THOUGHT. A tramp said to a companion: "Yer was a-talkin' in yer sleep, Bob; 'ollering for water yer was." Second Tramp: "Water? Good 'eavens! Yer dint give me none, did yer?" A BABY BOBBY. Little Boy: "Was that policeman ever a little baby?" Mother: "Why, of course." "Oh, mummy, I should love to see a baby policeman!" THE LAPSE OF TIME. "You probably don't remember me," began the self-made man proudly, "bit twenty years ago, when I was a poor humble boy, you gave me a message to carry." "Yes, j'es," cried the busy man, "wharo's the answer?" xUISUNDERSTOOD. Mr. Honeymoon—Sweetheart, your lips are like rubies and your cheeks remind me of roses! Mrs. Honeymoon—Oh, you heartless bigamist! Go. back to your Ruby and your Rose! CLOTHES AND THE MAN. He —The Blynks must be awfully rich, judging by the clothes they wear. She—Sot necessarily. Some of the mos' gorgeous flowers havn't got a scent, you know! PLEASING THEM BOTH. Little Leslie had been dispatched to the village grocer's and told to purchase dopr biscuits for the new pet. Ho returned half an hour later with a large' bag of assorted creams and offerea his father eightpence change out of half-a-crown. "Great guns!" exclaimed his parent. "Did they charge you " He broke off and eyed the assorted creams in astonishr uient. "You sic, daddic," little Leslie explained briefly, "I thought I might just as well get somethin' doggie an' me could both enjoy." NO CLAIMANTS. "So you saw the woman drop her purse," said Jones to his friend, "but lost her in the crowd. Did you advertise?' "Oh. yes," was the reply, "but I didn't pot an answer. I. put this in the papers: Tf the plain woman,' about 45 years of iige, wearing a dress and hat of last year's style, who lost v purse containing seventeen shillings and threepence, in Oxford Street on Saturday, will apply to ■ , the property will be returned.'" "Good heavens, man," said his friend, "no wonder you didn't get an answer! No woman in the world would own up to that description for seventeen and threepence!

[ "HOW'S THAT?" A village cricket match was delayed for some time owing to the absence of an umpire. The home skipper, recognising an acquaintance among tho crowd, asked the man to ofliciate. He was willing to do so. "Aw, reet," said the skipper. "We're fieklin' first. Whenever you hear anybody say 'Huzzat?' you say, 'Out.' Later on, when we go in to bat, I'll tell thee a bit more." THE COW. A labourer was ploughing, and as the furrows were very uneven, the farmer told him to look at something at the other end oc the field as a guide. (i , "That cow by the gate," he said, is right opposite us. Now, work straight for her." "Right you are, sir! said the man. Coming back later on, the farmer was annoyed to find that the. plough had been travelling all over the field. "What's the meaning of this.' ne demanded. . . T "I just did what you told me, sir. 1 worked straight for the cow, but the creature didn't keep still. NOT SO, PLEASED. He descended from the platform at the end of his speech and many people pressed forward to shake him by the hand. The lecturer accepted their congratula. ions with a smiling face, but his eyes were on a certain man who lingered in his seat. He pressed through the throng and extended his hand to the waiting man. I want to thank you," he began, for the close attention you have given me. _ X , our upturned face has been an inspiration throughout the evening." "H'ln," returned the man, still looking upwards. "Don't flatter yourself all over. I've had a stiff neck for three weeks. UNKIND. The man and the girl were sitting on the pier, and for some time there had been silence between them. "Do you know," he said at last, that every evening before I go to bed, I write down my thought* in ; my diary? Interesting, don't you think." "Oh, most," she answered. How long have you been doing it? 1' "About a couple of years, was the re"ln'deed!" said the girl; "then you must have the first page nearly full." COINCIDENCE. The expansive man in the train talked all the time; the quiet man answered in monosyllables. As he was leaving the expansive one said: "Well, glad to have met you; fine chat we had—my name's Welsh. "So's mine," said the other. The talkative man was nearly earned past his station at this coincidence. When order was restored, another passenger said: "That's a coincidence, both your names being Welsh." "Yes," said the quiet one; mines Llewellyn." ,'■■•■ KLEPTOMANIAC. Cynic: "What do you think of the many arrests for kleptomania that come before the Courts?" Philosopher: "Most of them are entirely innocent of all intent to do wrong, the trinkets being mechanically dropped into pocket or satchel, while thinking of somctll Cygnic: !ie'"All bosh! They are thievesborn thieves; that's my theory^no matter how rich or refined they are. Philosopher: "Possibly. But before we part I will thank you for my penknife, which you borrowed a moment ago to sharpen a pencil. While we were talking you dropped it into your, pocket. -, SILENCBD. .'-■', . The over-dressed young man who fancied he was .-a member,of the': smart set was holding forth in loud tones'at the dinner party where he was a guest. He had been boasting over a long- list of rich relatives and friends till the other guests began to feel extremely bored, bull he continued: ; '„.'■«■'• w "Then there's another relativo or mine, said he, "who has his, own yachts^ at Cowes—my cousin twice, removed— "I suppose," broke in a bored victim, "lie got a much, stiffcr sentence the sec-] ond time!" . " - : • j ! A GOOD MEAL. ! The beggar looked up and down the street, made sure that no policeman was watching, then went up.to a well-dressed man. •,, t • j "I'm starvin', guvnor, J he wuiued. "Won't you give me 'arf-a-crown to get a crust of bread?" .' ■ . "Half-a-crown!" said: the other man in astonishment. "Half-a-crown for a crust of bread! It won't cost you anything like so much, as that." ■ . ■ The beggar's expression changed. •. "Look 'ere, guvnor," he saul. You stick to your own business, whatever it is. .JDotft you start-tellin' me ow to run mine!" . : THE WAY OUT. It was getting very late, and the tired motorist decided to stop for the night. He pulled up at the first hotel, and asked the charge for a single room. "Eight-and-six," was the reply. "Ruination! How much, to garage my car for the night, then?" came the next query. ) "Garage is free, sir. , . The motorist smiled. Here was the way out of the difficulty. "Right!" he exclaimed. "Book me for garage and breakfast. I'll sleep in the old 'bus for once." THAT STOPPED HIM. A flapper visited her rich relations, and was shown,over the grounds by an elderly gardener. At the end of the visit of inspection they were upon quite friendly terms, and the old man, who had attended gardening lectures in his younger days and wished to impress .upon the young lady the fact that he was no common flower doctor, expressed tho knowledge of agriculture and horticulture to such an extent that his companion became absolutely bored. "Why do old bean-stalks rot?" asked the celery-planter, with the intention of answering the question himself. "I'm sure , I don't know," replied the girl. "But cau you tell me why do 'old beans' talk rot?" < A HAT~TKICK. He was an amateur conjurer, and on a long railway journey offered to entertain . the other passengers with a few tricks. Ho performed several good ones, but one fellow looked on and at intervals made remarks such as "Everybody knows that one!" Think we didn't see where that went?" And "Why, my ten-year-old son can do all those tricks." The entertainer took little notice of him, but at length asked the grumbler for the loan of his hat, a new bowler. The man objected, but at last handed over the hat with very bad grace. The conjurer borrowed a knife, sliced off the top, stamped on both portions, and said, "Now, that's the first part of this trick. Tlie second is putting it together again, and anyone can do that. Say, mister"—turning towards the grumbler— "you tell your son to show you how it's done."