Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CV, Issue 151, 30 June 1928, Page 21

Wit and Humour

"Our doctor only allows me two cigars a day; but it isn't so bad, because I have several doctors who allow me the same number!" "My razor doesn't cut at all." "Why, George, you don't meant to tell me that your beard is tougher than the oilcloth I cut this morning?" "I hope you'll dance with me to-night, Mr. Jones." "Oh, rather! I hope you don't think I came here merely for pleasure!" Dabson: "He claims to be related to you, and says he can prove it." Dobson: "That man's a fool." Dabson: "That may be a mere coincidence." Young Wife (to tramp): "When I gave you half a pie this morning you told me it would save your life. Why have you come, back?" Tramp: "For the other half, lady, so that I can save your husband's life.' Romantic Young Thing: "When I come out on the seafront after dinner and gaze at the moonlit sea, I feel too full for Practical YoKlh: "You wouldn't feel like that if you stayed at our boarding-house. The new boarder rang the .bell. "I want to speak to you about this egg. "Well," said the landlady, "and what have you got to say?" "Listen to the egg first," was the reply, "and tell me if you think, there is anything I can usefully add." "Will you marry me?" "You haven't a chance. But I ratner admire your taste." ■ Mrs. Henpeck (to maid seeking position): "What? You want a day off once a week? I don't even let my husband have that." Jack: "Everything Blank touches) turns °Dolly: "I—l wonder if he'd put his hand on the bracelet you gave me?" Maud: "Have you spoken to fathei-?" Billy "Yes. I asked him by telepnone,and he said, 'I don't know who you are, but it's all right.'^ "I contend," said counsel for the, defence "that a tomato, however well aimed, could not have.caused a black eye. "But it was in a tin, sir," replied the. witness. A young barrister, conducting his first case, and pleading drunkenness as his client's defence, began his speech:— "Milord and gentlemen of the jury, you all know what it is to be drunk." "Before giving a final answer," she said, with a becoming blush, "1 shall refer you to father." . , "But I am perfectly willing to take you without any reference," he replied. Actress: "In the advertisements you call me the peerless actress." . Manager: "Well, what about it.' Actress: "I want you to understand. that I know as many Peers as any other actress." . "Doumake yourselves at home, ladies," remarked the hostess affably. "I am at home myself, and wish, you all were! "That fellow next door threw a stone through the window 'while I was playing a piece on th« piano." .. "Silly fellow! Now he.will hear you all the plainer!" ' Woman (to tramp): "Go away or I'll call my husband." . . , Tramp: "Oh, I know 'im. 'E's the little feller who told me to go away yesterday, or he'd call 'is wife." Wife: "You don't seem to take any interest iv anything I do now, George., Husband: "How can you say such a "thing?'. Why, I Jaw, awake all .last; nightwondering what on earth you put in the pudding you made yesterday. They were court-martialling the soldier .for desertiiu, 'and the case looked very black until the young officer acting, lor the defence arose. ' , ... "Sir," he said, addressing the .president, 'I admit appearances are against tins man. But I propose to prove that m civil life he was a plumber-and^he was only going back for his bayonet. Acquitted. Uncle: "Hullo, Bobby.' You look very thoughtful this morning. What are you thinking about?" Bobby: "I was just wondering if a wasp E bt on a nettle, would the wasp. sting the nettle, or would the nettle sting the wasp." It was a good play, but one man in the gallery started to boo. ■ ' "Chuck him over the rails," shouted the rest of the galleryites. Then, amid the scuffle, a mild little woman in tile stalls below stood up and cried excitedly:— • "Oh, please, don't throw him over the rails. Kill him where he is!" An Oxford undergraduate, a son of the vicarage, discovered he was uncomfortably short of money, so he spent some time concocting a letter that would have the right effect upon a somewhat severe parWlien finally, completed, the letter read as follows: — "My dear father, I wonder lfyou will' oblige me very greatly by sending me a copy of this month's parish magazine and a five-pound note?" • ' ■ . p.S.—Don't forget the parish magazine.