Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CV, Issue 147, 23 June 1928, Page 21

Wit and Humour

"You have been a good boy., Papa's going to buy you a nice violin." ''Hooray! Now I ■won't have to get my hair cut.". • "What was your car. expense last year?" "Five thousand pounds. I bought a new car for £4000, and it cost md £1000 to run it. What was yours?' "The same. I bought a used car for £1000, and it cost me £4000 to run it! "Johnny, you're a sight!' What have you done to your clothes—they're cut lull o£ holes." . , "Aw, we was playin' grocery store, mamma, and I was the piece of cheese. "Will you lend me ten shiliin'gs?" "Young man, money-lending destroys friendship, and ours shall not be destroyed for ten shillings." . , "Then lend me twenty shillings. Tramp: "Y^es," lidy,"l:'ad to give up work 'cos r couldn't. make both ends meet." ". ..' ."■;.'■'.■. '': " -.. - ... „ . Lady:."Dear me, that was a^illy thing to do. What was your work?". Tramp: "Contortionist, lidy.'. Author'(being interviewed by reporter): "You're bound to speak of.it as .the play of the year.'" ■ . • ■ Reporter: "Why so emphatic? Author: "Because that's what Ive named it." . .■' Sandy: "How much to,the station?" Cabman: "Two dollars, sir." Sandy: "Does that include the charge for my bags?" Cabman: "I'll take those for nothing. Sandy: {'Excellent. Then I'll walk!" "Will you sing us that song you once sang about the donkey named Maxwellton?" . "I sang about a donkey named Maxwellton?" ••' .''Sure, the.one that says his 'brays are bonny.'" "■ • . . ■ . Rastus: "Here am a telegram jfrom de master in Africa stating he am sending us some lions' tails." Circus Owner's Wife: "lions' tails, Rastus? What are you talking about? Rastus: "Well, read, it yo'self. If says plum, 'Jes' captured two lions; sending details by mail.'" ' „ _ / When Bo.bby had finished his first music lesson his teacher said to him, as she stopped the metronome which had been indicating time on top of the piano: "Now, my boy, you must practise when you get home." "And teacher," asked the boy, "shall I tell father we must have a' windshield cleaner for the.piano?" i ' ' Indignant Customer (tossing a package on the counter): "Makes washing a pleasure, does it? Does .the washing while you wait, does it? .It's the little flakes of '.soap that " Grocer: "Madam, one moment, please. This is not soap!" . Customer: "Not soap? Not soap?" Grocer: "No. Your daughter asked for a half-pound of grated cheese and jialfpound of soap flakes. This is the-fheese." Customer: "My stars! And last night I made a pudding!" A catalogue sent out by a large mailorder firm found its way to a farm house, where it was evidently received with interest, for the company got back a care-fully-written but crudely-expressed letter, inquiring about a certain farm implement. A typewritten answer came back promptly. To this, the firm received the following reply: "You don't need to print your letters to me, I have been schooled and can read writing." 'Two # men were sitting opposite each other in a tube, train. ' Presently one of them produced a notebook and proceeded to make.a sketch of the other. After he ■ had completed the drawing he closed the book and put it in his pocket. The man opposite was both interested and gratified by this attention, and, leaning forward, said, "I presume you are an artist, sir?" i . ■ ■■■ ".No," replied the other, "I'm not exactly an artist. I'm s designer of door.knockers." ;