Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXIII, Issue 141, 18 June 1927, Page 21

Wit and Humour

Guest: "Where is that half chicken ' I ordered?" Waiter: "I am waiting for some, one to some in to order the other half before we kill it, sir." ■-.Mrs. Snap: "You're rather familiar with tne. intimato personal affairs of the family next door, aren't you?" - Mrs. Snapper: "Well, we kept-their parrot, for them while they were away last summer!" t surveying the right-of-way tor tne proposed railroad, was talking to a farmer. "yes," he said, "the line will run right through your barnyard." Well," answered the farmer, "ye can do it if ye . want; but I'll be jiggered if 111 git up in the night just to open the gate every time a train goes through." "You're looking fine," announced the doctor to his patient. 'Bave you followed my dieting instructions and eaten only .what- a three-year-old child would?" TTes, doctor," was the sadreply.- "For dinner I had a handful of mud, one of coal dust, a button hook, and a box of safety matches." ' Wife (to husband making futile effort to start car): "Try winding it the other way, darling." ■ .'. , Customer: "I would like to see some good second-hand cars." Salesman: "So would I." ■ >The fellow who is not fired with enthusiasm for his work is likely to find himsell nred with enthusiasm by his employer. Exhibitor: "You shall have this picture at half the catalogue price." Customer: "What does ;the catalogue "I dreamed last night that I—er—ah— proposed to you. I wonder what that is a sign, of?" ■ -, •. ; .■ "It's a sign that you've more sense when you are asleep than when you are awake." ||He's a great spaghetti eater." Yes,- he goes to great lengths to get something to eat."" -Bell: "Does your friend, the Magistrate, know anything .of music?" . Gale: "He ought to be a good judge of time—he's giving it all day!' y . . "Henry, do you know that you talk in your sleep?" asked his wife. l "Well, : he replied meekly, "do. you begrudge me even those few words?" When a, girl admits that she didn't mean what she said about refusing to take back her promise to change her mind, she was probably mistaken in the first place, and doesn't really'mean it. A- playwright was talking- about his latest work to a critic. "It has had many imitators," he said modestly. . "Yes, replied the critic, "especially beforehand." . Doctor: "Now, when . you take your wife's temperature, she must place' the thermometer under her tongue, and keep her mouth closed for two" minutes.'-' Husband: "Have you one, that takes a little longer?" Cross and Short-sighted Old Lady (in antique shop): "And here, I suppose, is another of the horrible portraits you call art ! • "Excuse me, madame," said the shopkeeper, but that's a mirror." "Is your husband's hardware business prospering??" the young bride was asked: ( -Indeed, it iijV was the confident reply. He must be making lots of money, for he told me last night they had had to appoint a receiver to assist him." _ "Your Honour," said the plaintiff, "before that woman gets up in the morning she begins to talk, and all day long she talks, and talks, and- "■. . "About, what?" inquired, the grave Judge." , "She won't say," replied witness. A man recently fainted three times at his own wedding. It was no use, however. They, waited'until he came round the third time/and then went on with it; . "Lay down, pup; lay. down," ordered the man. "Good doggie—lay down, • I say. "You'll have to say 'Lie down,' Mister, declared a small bystander. "That's an Auckland terrier." One of the newest perfumes is described as being of a vague,'elusive nature. We expect to hear that a rival firm has gone one better and produced a perfume that can't be smelled at all. Auntie Saloon: "That child of ours has been stealing jam again. What shall we do to him?" . , Uncle Sammie: "I'Jl fix him. I'll mix poison with the jam, and the next time he steals it will be his last." In the spring a young man's fancy very often turnil him down. Boy: "Can you write with your eyes closed?" Father: "Certainly." Boy: "Then sign my report." "Aha;" cried the egg, as it splashed a bit. "I was cast for the villain, and I've made a hit." Two Scots were walking down the Strand. One picked up half a crown. The other borrowed it to have his eyes tested. Wellington: "Can I borrow a cignrette?" Cromwell: "Well, you ought to be able to—you've had enough practice." Too: "What is a Scotsman?" Troo: "A person who cats salted peanuts on his way to a friend's house for a little drink." ■. ' . "Not happy! With so beautiful a bride? Why, man. you got the girl who was the talk of the town." "So I discover." ■ "They say that tlie airplane Dobbly, invented is a great piece of work." "I hope he can keep up the good.work." The cost of dying in Russia is said to be more than that of any other country in the world. -Well, to those who have to live in Russia, it's, probably worth it. Slimkins and his young wife had just completed their first quarrel. "I wish I was dead," she sobbed. "I wish I was, too," he blurted out: "Then I don't wish I was," and the war^continued. Gastronomic candour: "For supper—and all through the night: A toasted cheese sandwich." Young Bride (closing the Book of Etiquette) : Oh, dear, I don't know what to do! Here I have the minister coming to dinner and I simply can't find out if you should serve cocktails before or after grace. . . . .-: A teacher was explaining nouns of multitude to his class. "We say;" he'remarked, "a flock of sheep, a flight 6f birds, a shoal of fishes, a school of whales,, a covey of partridges, a herd of cows, a forest of trees; a brood of serpents, and so forth. Now can any boy give me some other examples?" ."Please, . sir," said a smart youth, "please, sir, yes; An ancient order of buffaloes.", A doctor had been summoned to a police station to examine a. prisoner. The latter, very muddy and dishevelled, lay on the floor. The doctor examined him, and theu: said: "This man's condition is not due to drink. He. has: been drugged." "Yes," said the nearest, .policeman, "I drugged him aTT the way ineself, by the scruff of the neck." She: Don't you think it's always difficult to tell a woman's age? • He: It is for her. ■ • Taxi Driver (to rival): Where the dooce dyer think ye're goin'? This blue-faced idiot ailed me first^-didn't yer, guvnor? She—l'm taking a correspondence course. I get my knowledge through the mail. He —Oh, you're like all the rert of the coeds, ■

Honest Admirer (calling at girl's home): "Is Miss Jones at home?" Maid: "Sorry, sir; but she is in negligee now." Honest Admirer: "That's too bad. I was just leaving for Europe myself." The chemist was vastly annoyed at being roused from his slumbers at the hour of 2 a.m. "Good heavens!" he cried when his .visitor's wants became known. "A penny's worth of sodium bicarbonate for indigestion at this time in the morning when a glass of hot water would have done i just as well!" "Weel, weel," replied his visitor quickly. "I thank ye for your advice, an' I'll no' need the medicine after a. Guid nicht ta ye." '.I 1 had no idea," said Ethel to' Edith, tnat was so rife until I drove a car. "Do you hear much of it on the streets?" asked Edith. "Yes. Nearly every time I bump into someone he swears dreadfully." Scrubwoman (relating her' adventures to •a neighbour): She says to me, "You ain't no lady." So then I says to her, "Two j negative make an infirmatory," and busts her one in the snoot, and they carts her off in an ainb'lance. "Well, Airs. Johnsing/'. announced- the coloured physician, after taking her husband's temperature, "Ah has knocked de fever outen him. Dats one good thing." "Shb's nuff," was the excited reply. "Does dat mean, dat he's gwine git well den?" "No," replied the doctor, "dey's no hope fo him; but you has de satisfaction ob knowin dat he died cured."" "I'm going to bring Ferguson home tonight." "Why, we haven't a thing to eat in the house, the cook is in a bad temper, baby has a tooth coming, and mother will be here!" "Yes, that's why I'm going, to bring.him home! The young idiot is thinking of getting married." "Two horsemen were comparing notes on their respective animals. Said one, "Well, how doyou like that new mare of yours? Said the other, "Oh, fairly well. But 1 wish now, I'd bought . a horse—she's; always stopping to look at herself in the puddles." "You are an hour late this morning, Sam," said an employer to hU coloured servant. "Yes, 6ah, I was kicked by. a mule on my way, sah." "That oughtn't to have detained you for an hour." "Well, you see, boss, he kicked me de other way." ■ .

Burglar, (having climbed up on porch roof)— Another guy sleepin' with his window shut. I've a mind to write to be board of health, about it.

Photographer—Look this way and you'll see a pretty little dickey bird come out.

Modern Child—Oh, don't be a nut; expose your plate and let's get this over with. •

An attorney who advertised for a chauffeur, when questioning a negro applicant, said: "How about you, George; are you mr_rried?" "Naw, sir, boss; naw, sir. Ah makes my own livin'." Sea —I say, what makes your yacht jump so? Sick—Oh, the poor thing is on a tack. "Why did you send your son into; the air service?" "Because he's no' earthly' good." ■'■'-. Teacher—What does "unaware" mean? Susie—lt's the last thing you take off at night;. ' ■ . The Brunette^-The nerve of' that girl"! She's used my. perfume;.. .The Blonde—Oh, thelskuns;* ' \ ■;■:■' Fussy Old Lady- (as radio broadcaster sneezes)— There! Now I'm sure I shall catch cold! ' ..• She—Huh! You can't tell me you'v? never kissed another woman, He—l linow it —you've had too'much experience. Johnny, ten years-old, applied for a job as grocery boy for the summer. The grocer wanted a. serious-minded youth, so he put Johnny to a little test. ' "Well, my boy, what would you do with a million dollars?" he asked. "Oh, gee, I don't know I wasn't expecting so much at the starts"