NOTHING LIKE LEATHER.

Evening Post, Volume CXIII, Issue 129, 4 June 1927, Page 21

NOTHING LIKE LEATHER.

(Sports suits in calfskin and crocodile jeatner are announced as the latest thing m women's fashions.) When maidens' dresses swept the ground t 2? knse" were neyer bare. t? - y "'aSile stuffs they found ineir most appropriate wear. But now, when every day doth show lnat skirts are far from long, They need but little here below, But need that little strong, bo leather rules the moment, crowned on On Fashion's new behalf, And youth's bright lexicon is bound In crocodile- or calf; Though iCommon-sense, I think, protests That men would sooner kneel ■ Before the maiden who suggests The tenderness of veal. It may be calf-love on my part, But, frankly, I confess It does suggest a kinder'heart Than crocodiles possess; From closer contact one might shrink Faced with the sterner style— I'd rather stroke a calf, I • think, Than hug a crocodile. * —-Lucio, in the "Manchester Guardian." At grafting, John Brown knew his stuff, Results he got were great;-<■• But nothing pleased' him well enough, He always tempted Fate With some new idea. But at last . He reached his life's one goal. Nor wealth and fortune he's amassed, ■ A blessing 'on his soul." He took his flivver, made-of ■ tin, And; grafted it by hand, ■ To his peach tree.; Brains always'win. His peaches now grow capned. _„ _' "Look here, waiter, I've been waiting half-anJiour for that steak I ordered." "Yes. sir;' I know, sir. Life would be worth living, sir, if everyone was as-patient asl you are. . The class was reading about Coliimbus's discovery in A.D. 1492. "And what does A.D. mean?'*,asked the teacher. "After dark," answered one boy. The young man was in a bad temper. "I don't stand any nonsense from gir,ls,"' he told a friend. "I waited two hours for Doris this evening and she didn't turn up, so I darn well broke the - appointment." •■_'■; Eloping Bride: "Here's a telegram from papa!" Bridegroom (eagerly): "What does he say?" Bride: "Do not come home and all will be forgiven." She: "Everybody knows about it. Some people take her part and some her husband's part." He: "And I presume there are a few eccentric individuals who mind their own business." ' "I hear you'-have given yip Mabel." "Yes, I.thought she was perfect, but last night I found something about her I didn't like." "What was that?" "Harr old's arm." . .' ' • . Bobby, aged four, was watching a man whose.bare arm was tattooed- all over, in a marvellous manner. "Mumhiie," he said, "why does that man come out in pictures whenever he bruises himself?" "I say, Smith! Suppose a man marries his first wife's stepsister's aunt, what relation is he to her?" "First—wife—:step —aunt-^er—let me see. Oh, I don't know." . "He's her husband." s/ Our idea of a sceptic is a man who sees twenty people waiting for the elevator and then goes up and pushes the button. ' ■ Modern Mother (to refractory son): "Willie, if you don't get to bed this instant, papa's going to tell you a bedtime story." Wifcy: "I know I do foolish things sometimes, and you'll admit ttie same, won't you?" Hubby: "Yes, I know you do." ■••■•■ „ . "My girl always goes to bed in her working, clothes." "Indeed!" !"Yeg. She's an artist's model." "What's become o' yer parrot, Mrs. Hicks?" "We 'ad to sell 'im—'e took to dropping 'is aitches something 'orrible!" Mistress: "Have you finished'cleaning the brass ornaments yet?" Maid (sore about something): "Yes, ma'am—all except your rings and bracelets." "Yes, the mate fell overboard during the storm and was never seen again." Old Lady: "I suppose he was. drowned?" Sailor (patiently): "No; he sprained his ankle." "I hear May is going to be married again." "Yes, she's been married so often that the wedding bells sound just like an alarm clock to her." Salesman (demonstrating motor tractor to farmer): "Now I'll throw in the clutch." Farmer: "All right, I'll take it. I knew I would get something for nothing if I waited long enough." ■ A man seldom speaks lightly if he stops to weigh his words. About all that comes to him who waits is a request to move ,on. Skirt, once a common noun, has become a mere abbreviation. A bachelor these days is a man who hugs a lot of delusions but never marries one. One way for a millionaire to ilie poor is to start a safety razor factory in Russia. , "I lost my biggest creditor to-day." "How?" "1 paid him." The only advantage in hunting for a. gas leak with a match is that you are sure to find it. ,'.-.- ---"So you want your sou to be a commercial traveller?" "Yes; he knows no end of funny istories." A scientist hopes to make roses bloom artificially in an . hour. The flapper can already bent-that by at least fifty-nine minutes. - Waitress: "You wish to exchange this currant bun?" Diner: "Yes, I want one of more recent currency." Golfer: "I'm hitting the ball on the top every time; what would you suggest;"' Caddie: "Turn it upside down." v , "Fred said he talked to your brother until he was blue in the face." "Oh, no; just around one eye." "When Donald proposed to nic he acted, like a fish out. of water." "Of course. He know he was v'aught." An old lady was taking a walk near a golf course with her dear little dog'Diddy.' From over the crest of a small hillock came a golf ball, which, before it had stopped rolling, the clever dog seized in his mouth. The next moment a golfet appeared, waving his club in the air and shouting. . ■ ■ "Put it down, Diddy," said the old lady, "put it down, my^preeious. Here comes the kind gentleman to knock it for you again." - A good fishing story from the news columns of a Califdrnian paper: ''A fossilised fish, believed to be two million and a half years old 7 has been brought to life by a stone cutter."

"To the end the captain played the hero. He stood on the bridge until all the crew were safe in the boats," says a newspaper report. Women love this strong stuff.

He had been knocked down by a motor car, which, of course, had not troubled to stop. . . '„ "Did you get his number?"-asked the policeman. /'Xo," said the man, "but I'd recognise his laugh anywhere." \ Even the' grave and dignified Civil Service Commissioners could not resist being amused at an answer given at a recent examination in London. The question was: "Give, for any one year, the number of bales of cotton exported from the United States?" ■ .' ' i The applicant wrote:.- "1491j none.*

The difference between America and England, according to an American writer, is this:

In America they say: "How are you?" In England they say, 'Who are you?"

A dreadfully ugly woman, carrying a clock in a brown paper parcel, came into the shop. "I want," she said, "a new dial, please." "I should jolly well think you did, answered the assistant.

Two men went fishing. One of them was quite new to the game, and when he -had hooked a small trout he wound it in until it was very near the end of the rod.

"What do Ido now?".he asked. "Climb your rod and staß the beast," answered his friend. . \

A man went to stay in the country, and his host, thinking he would like a little sport, lent him a.gun, and sent him out with some dogs. In half an hour he returned.

( You re, soon back," said the host. les, I want some more dogs. I've shot all those, said the man. .

The coloured woman was being crossexamined. '

"Are you sure," asked -counsel, "that you know where your husband was on the night this crime was committeed.?" "Ef ah didn't," she replied, "den ah sure busted a good rollin-pin ovah the head, of an innercent man, dats all!"

A man was standing disconsolately on a station platform. On being asked by a friend why he looked so miserable, he replied, "I've missed my train—and by half a minute." , ...... "Good heavens! "said his friend. "Cheer up! Anyone would. think, to look at you, you had missed it by half an hour/."

The mother stood right on the edge of the high cliff admiring the sea below, the sandwiches clutched in her left hand. Her husband sent their small son to her with a mesage. ' . -"Father says," repeated the boy, "that its not safe there, and you must either come away or give me the sandwiches to carry." "

Little Tony was told to go to sleep at once and not to open his eyes anymore. Later, he was found with his eyes still open. When asked why he had not kept them shut, he said: "Well, I only opened 'em to see if they was shut properly." -. ,

This is supposed to be a true story A bcotchman was in the long line of people waiting to buy tickets for a Los Angeles (U.S.A.) show called "The Miracle." The hcot got a 4.85 dollar ticket,' gave the bos-oflice a 5 dollar bill, and saidKeep the change!!" -'. " An Irishman, next in line, turned away and started home. He explained: 1 don t need to buy a ticket. I've just seen the Miracle.' ' - ->

„ A teacher was instructing the class about

"The idol^had eyes," she said, "but it • «? pe{" crie(l tne children. It had ears, but it couldn't " , Hear," said the class. . It had lips, but it couldn't " bpeak,' said the children. *|.. had. a nose, but it couldn't " Wipe it," shouted the little ones.

e £ rT Pl ? l , «Pec, tat°rs gathered in Highstreet Edinburgh, to watch the annual X& fd3^ cleaning '** face o£ the alfawTt.^ 5 SBen l^^ ««J1 *°n . "Yince a year, Tarn," she was saying iikno cbru P nter itsface- 'Wouid you said Tarn. ,"No," r S aKm aD iDJin d"Yer ' eh?" " t What, then?" t ildi r? ther be a , clock, mither. Then 1 d only hae my face washed yince a year."

A WOULD-BE MILLIONAIRE. Ur. Fitzjones: "Sixpence? What the devil do you want sixpence for?" Down-and-Outer: "Wot do I "want sixpence fur! _ Well, .Mister, I'll tell yer Ive got nine hundred an' ninety-nine thousan, nine hundred an' ninety^nine pounds nineteen shillings and sixpence, an' Id just love t' make it a million "