WAITING.

Evening Post, Volume CXIII, Issue 112, 14 May 1927, Page 21

WAITING.

Come, golfer, with your flask of three-in-tone. Your string, your tape, your varnish for the club, ■ Be ready when the waiting time is done And you 11 again annihilate the dub Beneath the splendour of a summer sun. i And yet, remember, brother—here's the ' rub: Long, long you'll wait—the day is not yet here To start your conquest of the silver mug. Three months you'll wait through bitter days and drear, And feel the restless gnawing of the "bug," The while you "drive" beneath the chandelier. And sink brave putts upon the parlour The Girl:: "Oh, don't some people get offensive when they own a car! The Man: Well, they certainly do get a'habit of running other people down." ' ' He:' "Many hearts were broken when l married. She: "How many, women did you marry?" Son: "What is a taxidermist?" FatherHe skins animals." Son: "Well, what is a taxi-driver?" Father: "He skins humans." Examiner: "Can you tell me three things m winch starch plays an important part?" Student: "A collar and a pair of cuffs." Marguerite: "Was it a case of love at first sight?" Marian: "Absolutely! The first time I saw him in his Rolls-Royce." He (half an hour late): "Awfully sorry I'm late." She: "Don't be sarcastic. You know jolly well I've only-just arrived." Barrister: "What possible excuse did you fellows have for acquitting that murderer?" Juryman: "Insanity. "Really! The whole twelve of you?" Visitor (discussing baseball player who has just widely missed the pitcher's first throw): "He was very late for that delivery?" Native: "He always is. He's our milkman." ■ ' "They say you are engaged to marry a title." "I'm so glad," exclaimed Miss Cayenne. "It isn't true. But the suggestion that our folks have enough money to support such a rumour will vastly improve father's credit." "I suppose you will want me to give up my job, Henry, when we are married." "How much do you earn at it?" "Sixty a week." "That isn't a job! That's a career; I wouldn't want to interfere with your career, girlie." : The singer who attended an audition held by the pantomime producer-had a good time, but dropped all her aspirates. Quite a good voice," said the producer, "but, really, I should like to hear an aitch or two." "If you knew anything about music," was the contemptuous reply, "you'd know there's nothink 'igher than G.", ' .-: ...■■'.■ "Your wife is very broad-minded, isn't she?" "Oh, wonderfully! She .believes there are always two sides to a question— her own and her mother's." Lady: "You say your father was injured in an explosion. How did it happen?" Child: "Well, mother said it was too much yeast, but father said it was too much sugar." . •■ ■ Chuck: "I thought you promised to save me some of that liquor you had;" Wally: "I tried to, but it ate holes through everything I put it in and I finally had to drink it." "Who is the man who sent you the beautiful bouquet?" "Isn't it an exquisite creation of blossoming- art!" exclaimed Miss Cayenne. "I quiie forgot the name of the man who sent it and fell in love with the florist." Cynthia: "Kitty had a quiet little wedding, I suppose?" Cora: "Of course! You didn't think they'd quarrel before the parson, did you?" Gert: "I am all run down." .Bill: "But you'll wind up in my arms, you know." A boy's ambition is to be a trick drummer, but when he grows up his ambition is to murder one. , Professor: "And did I make myself plain?" Student: "No, God did that." He (enthusiastically): "I saw the funniest picture last night." She: "Oh, have you a family album?" Some people's bank accounts arc exaggerated and others are overdrawn, but that doesn't mean the same thing. Science has no authentic record of persons living beyond the age of 105, eh anyone who goes beyond that does so ut his own risk. Doctor: "Now, remember, you can't dance for two weeks." Patient: "I know it, doc, the record is seventy-two hours." Teacher: "Harold, in the sentence, 'I saw the girl climb the fence,' how many i's would you use?" Harold: "Both of 'em, teacher." Sam: "What are you doing nowadays?" Joe: "I'm running a Bessemer converter at the ironworks. Sam: "Well, drop in some day." The nerviest man in the world is the chap who went around to the stage door after the show avid tried to get back the pennies ho threw at the actors. «

Clown: "What's the commotion over by the animal teut?" Circus Proprietor: "The fire-eater just drank some corn and is burning up." Ivan: "How do you like your electric washer that you got from America?" Mrs. Kokanovitch: "Not so good, Ivan. Every time I. get in the thing the paddles knock mo on my feet." "The Scottish people are beginning to walk backwards." Why's that?" "So they can save their front steps." The motion picture studio-story of the week concerns a producer who has recently imported an alien star. "She's a nize girl," he anonuneed, "an' I'm gonna loin her English." Short: "Did you hear that scream?" Long: "Yes." Short:' "Why didn't you investigate it?" Long: "Huh, not me! The last.time I heard one I was roped [ in for one wife, six children, and three i Maltese cats." ( When Mr. Penny, the newly-appointed British Parliamentary Whip, took his seat on the Government front bench for the | first time he became the object of the following riddle:—"Why is there a Penny on the Treasury Bench?" "Because the Government wanted some 'change,'" was the prompt reply. It was at the scene of an automobile accident. An elderly lady in one of the first cars to be stopped by the debris of the smash-up leaned from her car as a I very much battered man, with a hastily arranged bandage around his ankle, hobbled by. "Oh, my," she said, "did you hurt your ankle?", "Naw," replied, the man, "I lost both eyes. This bandage slipped down." A doctor was called upon to attend the butler of an aristocratic but impecunious patient. When he arrived he found the man in bed, and a very superficial examination revealed the fact that there was nothing whatever the matter with him. "It's like this, sir," said the butler, in a hoarse whisper; " 'er ladyship owes me. £6 in wages, and I'm goin' to stop 'ere untir I get it." "And a darned good idea, said the doctor. "Move over. She owes mo £50." , Mrs. Blank: Stupid! Why in the world aid you get seats for "Madame Butterfly when I distinctly told you I wanted to hear "Pagliacci?" Blank:' To preserve my dignity, woman! When I reached the ticket office I forgot k how to pronounce the blamed thing... I

The fairy knight from a far country slew the dragon and rescued the lovely pirncess. > In acordance with the traditional rules Z. uvall "3'i he said, "Will you marry me. She refused him. So both lived happily ever after. "Hi!" shouted O'Kelly to a bricklayer on the scaffold above him, "throw me a brick down! "<vt7Ti a* for?>,' deman(Jed the bricklayer. Well," explained O'Kelly, "don't T need one more brick to fill this hod I'm bringing up?" - An Irish gardener, having 'obtained leave to attend a wedding,' returned' with two black j>yes, which he explained as fol"Whin Oi got there Oi saw a fellow dressed up to the noines and ethruttin'l about-as proud as a paycock. £n who are you?' Bays pi.. ( O im the best man,' says he. An, begorra, he was!" The native genius of a Lancashire man had carried him to big sueces in business without much aid of education He wag asked to distribute the prizes at a school and made the usuar epeech or good counsel. • "Now boys," he said, "always remember that education is a great thing. There s nothing like education. Take arithmetic. Through education we learn that twice two make four, that twice sis made twelve, that seven sevens make ...and then there's geography." « n M™? 11 bus conductor had shouted Igh Olborn " until a passenger could a jokell^ T temptation to make, "Excuse me," he said, "but haven't you dropped something" ent I see wot you're driving at," returnSordid 1* UP "hen We«etto waiSTor 1 you! "^ "' h°Ur Very late Typist: Well, you haven't made up a very good fire, have you An old Scottish spinster lay a-dyine She was a masterful woman, who life had seen to everything herself and novr on her death-bed she insisted on making her own arrangements for the funeral. Accordmgy, she summoned to her the unl dertaker ,n order to settle theaic/ques- *'^ n °f "^PPWgs", for .her coffin, and was told that, it wasv customary to use purple trappings for V women and 'white for maiden lad les . "Awel," said the dvmg woman, "I canna face my Maker % Pin^°aJ r .^«- Gie ; yotfm e -;white"tapPings, and pit a dash o' purple'; in: it." bAwfe^a^ by the actwns of a" very* slow. player in front. As it* happened,;"the latter wai ai? «er of a Perfect pair of bow lees All through the, afternoon the st Xi7 eI K ? Uv d himßel£ hindered at every hole, but, he.managed to control; his ten? per, although: once or twiceitcost him a great effort. .. But this could not go on ed ?lf- ■ &**s*'■■&» Patience':exEaustMad with rage; the slow player inarch, ed^ back to ther following. pTa%r -'Do you call that golf^s^e «form- . "No," answered the otheiy suavely "but it was pretty hot croquet^w^at?"s : .