Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXIII, Issue 54, 5 March 1927, Page 29

Wit and Humour

BEING PLEASANT.

QUESTION OF LOCATION.

MAKING IT HOT

CHANGE OF LOCATION.

."Don't make any more of these biscuits, dear." Better Half:- "Why not?" Husband: "You're too light for such heavy work."

Nervous Woman (to persistent beggar): "If I give you a piece of Christmas pudding, you will never return, will you?" Beggar: "Well, lady, you know ' your pudding better than I do."

'Do you know . anything of Dickens's works?" Said.the girl. "I'm afraid I.don't," replied the young man, "though I must admit I know most of the factories in this town."

"How is it that I never see you in Sunday school, little, girl?" "Oh, please, ma'a: . I'm taking music lessonsj and.my mother doesn't want me to take up religion until later."

Landlady (to boarder who has been gloomily eyeing the cold joint served up on a very cold evening): "You look absolutely perished with cold, Mr. Jenkins. Don't be afraid of the mustard!"

Bald-headed Man: "You say this hair restorer is very good, do you?" Chemist: "Yes, sir, I know a man who took the cork out of a bottle of this stuff with his teeth, and haa a moustache the next day." . '

Magistrate (to talkative prisoner): "Now, what have' you got to say?" Prisoner: "I've got a good deal to say, guv"nor; if you'll only give me time to say it." "Certainly. Six months!"

"I cannot marry you. Shall I return your letters?" "No, I shall have to get up some better forms."

"Our new cook is rather tall, isn't she?" "Yes, but she probably won't stay long."

'^This weather makes me feel so foolish." "Oh, so it's the weather, is it?"

Mrs. Hogg: "What have you ever done to save others from suffering and misery?" Mr. Hogg: "I married you, didn't I?"

"Madame, if you'll buy the car, we'll put your initials on free." "Oh, it's not the initial cost. It's the upkeep." , . .

Teacher: "What is the meaning, of the word 'matrimony,' Robert?" Robert: "Please, miss, father says it isn't a word; it's a sentence."

During the war an Austrian colonel was transferred-to a new command. On reaching his depot he, four d stacks '■ of useless documents accumulated in the archives by his predecessors,; so he wired to headquarters for permission to burn them. The answer came back: "Yes, but make copies first.". . ," " .

Lawyer: "Why don't you two settle this out of Court?" '■■•■-. Client: "That what we'd prefer to do,; sir, but the polic always stop us." ,

"What is" absolutely certain is that, just like intelligence, stupidity is hereditary, and——" ...

"That's a nice way. to talk about your parents." . '

She: "I suppose; if I were- to die tomorrow, you'd marry. some other woman immediately?". ■■'■'/.' \■. .'

He: "Not right.away. I'd take a little rest first." ■■..."!'-."

Teacher: "Now, if I were to put my hand in someone's pocket and take money, what would I be?''

Bright Lad: "Please, teaches, you'd be his wife." • . - .

Girl (to,phlegmatic lover): "You 'aye got a 'aid 'cart,. Albert." : . Albert (a taxi-driver): "No,: I ain't, Alice. That's my number-plate you've got your head against."

"Come, come," said a kind old gentleman to a little boy who was crying, "what is the matter?" .

"I've been playing truant and just remembered it's Saturday." '

Harper: "Green declares his grandfather descended from one of the greatest houses in England."

Hammond: "Ah, yes; I did hear a story about his falling off a roof."

Diner: "I suppose you wouldn't refuse n tip?" Waiter (beaming) :"Oh, no, sir." "Well, if you have any Takem Oil stock, sell it at once. It's going to drop."

The Lady: "Are you really content to spend your lifo walking about the country begging?" Tramp jsoulfully): "No, lady; many's the time I ye wished I'had a motor-car."

Gushing Young Pupil: "Ah, professor, if ever I make a pianist Til owe it all to you." !

Profesor Music: "Pardon me, young lady, my terms are quarterly—in advance.

Hospital Visitor: "You're looking mighty bad, old chap? Are you out of danger now?"

Mr. Henno-Peeke: "Oh, yes: my wife doesn't dare hit me with all these nurses about.

Captain: "Fix bayonets!" Voice from the Ranks: "There's nothing wrong with mine, sir."

Eskimo to Esquimaux in swimming Hows tho water?" Esquimaux: "Not so hot."

Pete: "Can you carry a tune, Pat?'' Pat: "Certainly." Pete: "Well, carry that one out nnd bury it."

"If my new invention doesn't work, "W-whnt, Frank?'* "Have to myself." He: "Do you know fiat in Holland the girls wear wooden shoes?" She (having just danced with him)1. suppose it's a safety device."

Mother (entering room): "Why, Mabel, get right down from that- young mau's knee. ■ .■■ ■ Mabel: "No; I got here first."

,'o} Vllat makes you think he is conceitear

"He had a birthday last week and he !] ,»a tele Sl am to congratulate his mo-

First Diner: "This butter is so strong it walks over to the coffee and says How do you do?'" . Second Diner: "Yes, but the coffee is too weak to answer."

"Bill, we're getting up a raffle for a PO°r old lady- You'll buy a ticket, won't you? ' "No,_ thanks. What would I do with her it I were to win her?"

P^iament." think I>n 'mi m ™fe for Smith: "And why?" Jones: "Well, because she is so handy introducing bills into the house."

Brown (to Robinson, who is a motor enthusiast): Suppose you didn't run across a lellow named Jenkins in your travels? Robinson: Dunno, old chap; T never stop to ask their names!

.An old Scottish lady, noted for possessing a sharp tongue and a tendency toward taking down conceited people, was entertaining a number of young people at an evening party. The guest of honour was a young man who had obtained an appointment in China, and he was so much elated over his prospects that ho talked throughout the ■ evening only of himself. As he stood up to go, the old lady, who ha,i, b, een ril«ier silent, said to him — lake gude care o' yoursel' when you're away, for, mind ye, they eat puppies in Cneena. ■

' "Although I was late," said the new boarder, "I found the landlady had saved tor me the teriderest part of the chicken." _ "What was that?" said the old boarder jealously. "Some of the gravy."-

Visitor: This is a great place for artists, is it not? Native: Artists! I should say it was. Why, if there was a wreck 'ere we should 'ardly be able to get at the lifeboat for easels. Both were wireless enthusiasts boasting of their wonderful success at listening-in to theatre broadcasts. "Do you know," said one, "I distinctly heard the scene-shifters talking the other night!" His companion took a deep breath. "That's nothing. Why, listening-in to the performance of 'The Merchant of Venice,' I not only heard the applause, but also the cries of 'Author!'" '; Park Orator: Some people think I get paid five pounds a week for doing this I tell you-1 don't; and if I did I shouldn't be here. . The mother was. ill in a home where a radio had recently been installed The doctor came and small Emily looked on wonderingly as he used the stethoscope What station is he trying to get mother?' she asked, when she could' no longer contain her curiosity. "It never pays to look ofr trouble," remarked the Wise Guy. "Doesn't it? I guess you never have taken a par to a garage man to have one little thing fixed, and then get a bill for two dozen other things he found to fix," retorted the Wiser Guy. Lois, returning late from the theatre, found her sister Leatrice wrapped in absorption over a letter. "One of grandmother's love letters," explained Leatrice looking up. "Gracious!" exclaimed Lois Isn t it terribly quaint and old-fashion-ed. It oughtn't to be. She wrote it after she got in to-night." Husband—l am sorry, my dear, but I went to six stores trying to match that sample you gave me, but-none of them had any dress goods to match it WifeFine! That's exactly what T wanted to know. Now I am sure that my dress will be unique. The Youth: Awfully dull party this isn t it? Elderly Stranger: Well, yes, it is rather. Youth: Suppose we go home? Stranger: Can't; I live here. "If these members of Parliament would only get together," said Hicks, "I think everything would come out all right." "Not at all," said Dawson. "The' main thing for the good of the country is that they be kept apart.' Individually they are harmless." "Il m, going to have that stock investigated, said the investor. "There's been a good deal o£ funny business in; that corporation.". .: . , . "True," said his friend, "and I'd advise you to employ a diver to do your investigating, there's so much water in it" Mr Finkelstein, the goldsmith, presented Abie with a bowl of. goldfish. Next day they were all found to be dead. .. ,' "Vy. vot's'the matter?" asked Mr. Finkelstein; "vot have you done, Abie?" Nothin', fader," said Abie. "I just gave them the acid test toseeif they vos real gold! : ■'.■." ■ .. ■, v. ■ •. ... Nurse (returning -from party): "Good G^'pus! How sticky your glove is!" Uiild: So would yours be if you had a meringue and two chocolate eclairs in your muff." ... ... "Have you heard that Mr. Winter lost his voice yesterday?" ' "No; I must send my wife to him at once. ■•'•' . ' .-■.- •/.-.-■, ■' -'.. "Why, are you a friend of his?" "No, but it may be catching." " ■ "Young man," said the boss, pompous-, ly and pointedly,. "what we need in this business is brains—b-r-a-i-n-s—brains!" , "Well," agreed the youthful applicant for a job, "that does seem to be about what s lacking." A steamship company announces it will carry passengers' cats, but "during the voyage they will be in charge of the ships butcher." It may be all rightbut it would be terrible if any cats were found missing on n day when rabbit was on the menu. She had been gone from home a whole month, and when she came back she asked her husband if he had missed her much. "A little, dear," he replied, "but do you know I learned to be efficient. I can put on my socks from either end now." Mrs. Bim: I suppose you carry some sort of sentimental memento in that locket of yours? Mrs. Bam: Yes, a lock of my husband's hair. Mrs. Bim: But he's still very much alive! Mrs. Bam: Yes, but his hair is all gone. When a fellow becomes engaged he knows that he has given the belle a rin°but he doesn't realise until she starts working in the kitchen that he got the wrong number. There's a justice of the peace in a certain country village that is very cruel to engaged couples. They call on him to be married, and when they leave they're all tied up in a knot. "Do you think you could care for a chap like me?" l "Oh, I think so—if he wasn't too much like you. "Little 80-Peep has lost her sheep," sang the maiden joyously. ■ "Served her right for going out with a crook, sneered the cynic.

Jim: My room mate fell down the-stnir way last night with two pints of whisky Inn: Did he spill any? Jim: No.Jie kept his mouth closed

1" or a serious misdemeanor John was kept after school. He worked so willingly and cheerfully that the surprised teacher said: John, why can't you be as agreeable and pleasant during school hours?" hee, that's funny! That's just what 1 was thinking about you!" was the prompt reply.

During his first voyage an old man left his bunk one night, but could not find his way back again. Presently an officer offered his help.' "But I can't remember the number," the man told him. ■. ■ "Well," replied the other, "perhaps you have an idea where it was?" "Yes, 1 I remember now!" .The passenger's face brightened.- "I did notice in tho afternoon that the windows looked out on a lighthouse!" ■ ■ . ' •

VYhat if I were one of those husbands, my dear, who get up cross in'the morning and bang things about, and kick like everything, just because the coffee is cold?" "John," responded his wife, "I would make it hot for you." As her words admitted of more than ono interpretation, John said nothing more about the coffee.

A newly-fledged constable entered the ■ police station of one of the seaside resorts. "I have a case to report," he said. Very well, write out your case," said his superior officer. He was some time over it. At last he asked, "How do you spell Nebuchadnezzar?" "Oh! N-e—N-e-b Now, look here, I'm not here to teach you fifth standard work—do it yourself." A few more minutes passed. At last the constable got up to go out "Have you finished?" asked the sergeant. "No; but I'm going to pull that bloomin' horse round into High street.".