SONGS OF CRIME.

Evening Post, Volume CXIII, Issue 30, 5 February 1927, Page 21

SONGS OF CRIME.

Bandit if a common noun, (Very common and low-down) He'll steal whatever's in the place— Clearly' a possessive case. See the yeggman, gun held tight, Start to make his night's collection; See the watchman's face turn white — An inferiority complex-ion. See the' copper watch the yeggs Bring their planß to their fruition; He finds he cannot move his legs— A sub-conscious inhibition. Tourist (paying his bill): "Well, I'm square now. Hotel Manager: "Yes, Bir, and I hope you will be round again very shortly." Willie: "Please, teacher, what did I learn to-day?" Teacher: "What a peculiar question!" Willie: "Well, they'll ask me when I get home." Employer: "We seem to behaving a great deal of rain" nowadays, John." Gardener: "Yes, sir, they clouds doan't seem to 'old watter same as they used to, sure-ly." "I used to think you were so affectionate, Henry. Before we were married you used to hold my hands for hours." "Well, that was to keep you away from the piano." "That was rough on Davis." "What?" "He stepped on a piece of orange peel, fell, and was arrested for giving a street performance without a license." There was an old man of Bengal, Who went to a fancy dress ball. He said, '"Just for fun I'll go dressed as a bun," And was ate by the dog in the hall. Miss Flatt: "I'm sorry you don't think much of my voice, professor. The people next door say I ought to go abroad to study." Professor: "Yes, but I don't live next door." - Doctor: "Well, here you are. A pill for the kidneys, a tablet for the indigestion, and another pill for the nerves." Patient: "Yes, but how will the little beggars know where to go when they are inside?". Robbing: "My wife doesn't understand me." ■"> Wilkins: "I wish I could say the sanie. My wife understands me so well I don't dare tell her anything except the truth." First-aid Instructor: "The stretcher is a very useful piece of apparatus. I'm sure you "will all be willing to bear me out in that." ' . . ; "What has become of Schmidt?" "He went to America and has made a name for himself there." "How?" "He calls himself Smith now." Lady Visitor (going a tour of the slums): "Good rooming, Mrs. Brown, I've just heard' that my son has won a scholarship. I am feeling very pleased, you know." ■ Mrs., Brown: "I can understand your feelings, mum. I used to feel the same mesel' when our pig won. first prize at the show."

"What were you and Mr. Smith talking about in the parlour?" asked the girl's mother. . : . .

/'Oh, we were discussing our kith and kin," she replied, whereupon the little brother chimed in with, "Yeth they were, mother, I heard 'em. Mr. Smith asked if he could kith her, and she said, 'You Kin.'"

A highly esteemed gentleman, on a long railway journey, looked out o£ the railway carriage window and got a particle-of dust in his eye. At the first stop, with his eye twitching with pain, he ran to the refreshment buffet and ordered a glass of milk. 'When he tasted it he asked the waitress dubiously, "Was that milk?" "No, sir, rum and milk." "Oh, but I asked for milk." "Yes, I know," replied the waitress, "but I saw you wink,, bo I made it rum and milk."

It had been raining hard, and a field in which a football match was to be played was like a lake. A big crowd had assembled to see the match, so the referee decided that it could not be postponed. "What!" gasped the captain of the visiting team. "Surely we are not eoinc to play in this field?"

"Certainly! Now don't hang- about! You've won the toss. Which end are you taking?" ' . "Well, if we've got to play," came the answer, "I think we'll play with the tide!"

A village grocer was very much worried by people coming into his shop merely to ask the time. He decided to stop the nuisance, and asked a business friend to supply him with a clock. Upon receiving it he placed it in a conspicuous part of the window. When next the friend came he inquired if the timepiece had had the dosired effect. "Well, not quite*" answered the grocer sorrowfully; "things are about as bad as over. : The people come m now to ask if the clock is right."

"My brother/sent me a picture of his new car." ■ . .

"Oh, what kind is it?" "Just an ordinary tin-type."

Mother (to son, who has.been describing his fiancee): "And does Emily like to cook?"

Son: "I don't know, but I think so. I notice that every time we pass Guilds' she wants to stop and watch the griddlecake girl."

Little Lizette was quite, noisy, so mother put her finger to her lips and said: "Sh! Lizette, not so loud." "Why; .am I a secret?" asked the little tot.

"Did he leave town under a cloud?" You could hardly call it that. It was more like a cyclone." • ; '

Jones: "Will you join our indignation meeting to-morrow night, Colonel? We want to make a strong protest." Colonel Pepper: "With pleasure, sir. Er —whatrs the protest about?"

Dyer--I understand Wyld has at last struck pay dirt. Ryder—Yes; he has produced a successful sex drama.

*Your wife doesn't seem to make much of a success with her reducing." "No; Margaret is one of those poor losers."

Prof.-Wiy did Hannibal cross the Alps.' JTrosh—For the same reason the hen crossed the road. You don't catch me with no puzzles.

"Oh, Ruth, what do you think I saw Muriel the other day." "Uh, huh? Has she kept her girlish figure?" "Kept it? She's doubled it."

Bobs—l'll bet it costs you two thousand a year to keep your wife dressed. JackDressed! Why, it takes twice that amount to keep her half-dressed.

Irate Father—Son, what's this story I hear about your bank balance? Son—Oh I think it's overdrawn.

She—lt's only handsome men who have halitosis; He (sedately)— They have to have protection.

Tailor—And when may I hope for payment, sir? Airy Insolvent—Always, my dear fellow.

_ Miss Grey—When is Miss Smythe thinking of getting married? Miss Brown— When isn't she?

, Iv .lve J, 118' purchased a Thesaurus." xou can t fool me. Those animals have been extinct for a million years."

■ Darling, you are the most beautiful woman m the world." "Oh, Harold, how quick you are in noticing things "

Magistrate—What did the defendant look like when you arrested him? Constable—Well, sir, 'c 'ad a sort of a pinched look.

Darkey—Doc, I'se jest been bit by a dog. Dots—Well, well! Was he a rabid dog? Nassah! Doc, he was jes a plaia ole bird dog.