Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXII, Issue 3, 3 July 1926, Page 21

Wit and Humour

Sometimes a girl's ideal is shattered, but oftener he is just plain broke. Traffic Judge (1950)— Wrong side of the cloud, eh? Fifty dollars and costs. "What shall we do with the sewage?" "Well, let's dramatise it." • Mr. Kangaroo—But, Mary, where's the child? Mrs. Kangaroo—Bless me, I've had my pocket picked. Phyllis—Tom says I am a riddle to him. Marjorie—l know. He wants to give you up. Wife —That boy of ours gets more like you every day. Husband (meekly)— What's he been up to now? London Waiter—Did you say 'am, sir? Yankee—No; I haven't been over here long enough for that. "When is your sister thinking of getting married?" "Constantly." Hotel Clerk—Have you a reservation? Two-gun Pete—Say, partner, I ain't no Indian. Smith—How many cigarettes do you smoke a day? Jones—Any given number. Never give the boy all the allowance you can afford. Keep- back some to bail him out. Inquiring Old Lady—Tell me, how did you begin to be an aviator? Aviator— I started at the bottom' and worked up. Old Maid —In all my life I have never seen a man make an improper advance to me. Flapper—But I'll bet you've witnessed some rapid retreats. A critic says that modern girls are just educated dolls. He may be riftht, >but they don't squeal for "pa-pa" and "mama" when -they're squeezed. Orator —No, gentleman, I tell you that if you want a thing done you must always do it yourself. Voice from the Crowd —How about a hair cut? Hostess —That gentleman you just danced with is a mind reader. Fair Guest— Indeed! Then I'm sure he won't ask me to dance with him again, "What is that noise I can hear through the wall?" "It's our neighbour, talking to' himself." "But he needn't talk so loudly as that." "He has to. He's deaf." N Young Man —I told your father that I just dote on you. Girl—And what did he say? Young Man—That I had better— cr —find an antidote. "I hear that the crowd hooted you when you played at the Royal Theatre." "False, my boy, false!" replied "the eminent tragedian. "All false. There wasn't a crowd." Traffic Officer —Didn't you see that notice which says, "Road Closed?" Motorist (who had fallen down hole in highway)— Yes, confound it, and I found it wide open. Lawyer (to witness) —Did you say that an incompetent man could keep a hotel as well as anybody? Witness—No, I said an inri experienced man could. "Aren't you nearly ready, dear?" "I wish you wouldn't keep asking that question, Clarence. I've been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute." Mosses (meeting Woodrow Wilson on the Golden Streets) —Well, Woodrow, I understand your country rejected your Fourteen Points. Wilson—Don't chide me. They're certainly playing havoc with your ten. Girl —Did you ever hear the joke about the curio dealer who had two skulls of Columbus —one when he was a boy and the other when he was a man? Young Man Caller—No; I don't think I have. What is it? "You tell me,'" said the Judge, "that this is the person who knocked you down with his automobile. Could* you swear to the man?" "I did," returned the complainant eagerly; "but he didn't stop to hear me." "Is the new gaol a success?" "It's overpopular," 'confided Cactus Joe. "Bein' the only buildin' iv town with a good heatin' plant, the'boys are deterniined to play poker in the buildin', even if they have to get theirselveg arrested." "Is the patient regularly taking the tablespoonful of brandy I ordered?" asked the physician. "Yes," replied the young nurse. "He's very particular about that. He's already seventy-four doses ahead, and you prescribed it only yesterday." Professor —I'm going to speak on liars to-day. How many of you have read the twenty-fith chapter of, the text? (Nearly every student raised his hand.) Professor —Good. You are the very group to whom I wish to speak. There is no twenty-fifth chapter. The track supervisor of a Western road received the following note from one of his track foremen: — 'T. am sending in the accident report on Casey's foot when he struck it with the spike maul. Now, under 'Remarks,' do you want mine or do you want Casey's" She: "Ive confided the secret of. our engagement to just three of my dearest friends." He: "Three all toldr "Yes—all told." Hub: "I met Hawking on the street today, and the poor chap was very gloomytold me he was perfectly willing to die." Wife: "Ob,- Tom, why didn't you ask him here to dinner ?" "Boy, gimme some of them labour union matches." "How now, hireling, labour union matches." "The kind that strikes anywhere, boss." "Well, darling, what did you see at church to-day?" "Oh, mother, I saw the funniest thing —a man -who said his prayers and thea didn't go to bed." Lecturer : "Allow me to repeat the words of Webster." Bored Listener (to wife): "Good gracious, Maria, let's go out. He's starting on the dictionary." "What's a saving sense of humour, pa?". "I suppose, my son, it's the kind possessed by people who always want the joke to be at the other fellow's expense." Among the prisoners arraigned before the Court was an Irishman. "Are you guilty or not guilty?" asked the Judge in a stern voice. "Faith, an' that's yer honour's business." He: "What's wrong with the pie-crust? It doesn't half-cover the pie." , Bride: "Why, dearest, I asked your mother how to make them to suit you, and she said make the crust very short." "What's the best thing to use on your face after shaving?" asked an advertiser in a contest announcement. Those sending in court plaster as an answer will not be considered eligible for first prize. "What!" said his wife. "Another new cook? Why, what's the matter with the last? I thought you said she was good?" "Oh, yes," was the reply, "she was quite a good cook, as cooks go, and as good cooks go, she went." "What are you going to say when your constituents demand an explanation of the way you voted?" "I'll assume the aggressive myself," answered Seaton Sorghum. "I'll ask 'em why so many of 'em' wrote me letters warning me that if I didn't vote that way, I'd lose my job." The medical examiner at Sing Sing reports 777 inmates are teetotallers, while 440 admit being fond of alcohol. So they've discovered that mythical dry majority at last. Little Molly (to grandpa): "And can you remember Queen Victoria?" Grandpa: "Yes, dear. You see, I am a lot older than you are." Molly: "How much older must I grow before I can remember her?"

THE VOICE IN THE WINGS. A newspaper correspondent complains that the firing of guns on the stage is too common in some musical comedies. As a matter of fact, this is merely clumsy subterfuge to prevent the audience from hearing the voice of the prompter. INDISCRETION. "Doctors are no good!" growled the weary man. "Why?" inquired his friend. "I went to see one last night. I've had no sleep for months, walking the baby iip and down the floor at night. He examined me, and told me I wanted more exercise." NOT TWICE. First Person: "Well, anyhow, when you're dead you're done for." Second Person: "Not likely, we"U all live again, only in another form." "Well, I'll be a donkey next time round." ' "Oh, no, Bill, you can't be the same thing twice." THE INSTALMENT PLAN. Timid' Youth: "What do I have to pay for a marriage license?" Facetious Clerk: "Well, you get it on the. instalment plan." Youth: 'How is that?" Clerk: "Ten shillings down and your entire salary each week for the rest of your life." TRADEMARK—AN APPLE. A new' tailor in town used as a trademark the' picture of a large red apple. Curiosity got the better of ■ the village grocer/ and he asked the tailor why. "Well," said the tailor, "Fd like to know where the clothing business would be to-day if it hadn't been for an apple." A PRICKING CONSCIENCE. Banks: "You look very glum. What's the matter?" Jinks: "Yesterday I refused a poor woman a loan. The tones of her voice were ringing in my ears all evening, and I passed a sleepless night." Banks: "Your softness of heart does you credit. Who was the woman?" Jinks: "My wife." PASSING IT ON. ->-*„ A farmer's wife shipped a crate of eggs to a wholesale house m a city, but before doing so she wrote, on one of them: "I got a penny for this egg. What did you pay for it?" She added her name and address. A year later she received an answer. It was written on the highly embellished stationery of an actor, "My dear madam," he wrote, "while playing the part of Hamlet recently, I received your egg for nothing." RUNNING FAST. The newly-returned traveller was entertaining a few friends with an account 'of his adventures. The younger members were very much impressed, for, according to the tales of his skill and daring, the traveller was a noble man. "But the most exciting thing that ever happened," he continued, "was on" the occasion when I had made sixty cannibals run faster than they had ever run before." "How did you manage that?" asked an attentive listener. "I ran, and they all ran after me," was the reply. BETTER ODDS. A bookmaker who was taken ill suddenly sent his small son to a street where several doctors lived, bidding him. tell a certain doctor to come aj; once. A different physician having come, the bookie afterwards asked his son to explain why. "Well, you see, dad," he said, "there was a lot of brass plates on the doors, and when I got to the number you gave me I saw, 'Consultations 11 to 12.' The chap next door was offering 'Consultations 10 to I,' so I knew you'd like the chap that gave'you the best odds." I NOT LIKELY. / A friend who came by Lord Rosebery's house was reminded of an incident which happened once in a certain hat shop in the West End. While Lord Rosebery stood bareheaded, waiting to be fitted,'a bishop entered and mistook his lordship for one of the shop assistants. "Have you a hat like this?" asked the bishop, showing him his episcopal headgear. Lord Rosebery took it, examined it critically for a moment before replying: "No, I haven't got a hat like that, and if I had I'm blessed if I should wear it!" SAFETY FIRST. There was a chicken to be killed at the Desmond's, but Mr, Desmond, who was nervous, did not like to wring its neck, nor would he sever its neck with an axe. "I have it!" he'finally decided. "I'll shoot it." So, armed with a gun, he took the chicken into the yard. Little Willie, anxious to be in at the death', followed. Some time passed, and as neither of the missing couple returned little Willies mother began to get anxious. i "Willie! she called out, "hain't your father killed that chicken yet?" "No!" called back Willie. "It won't get in the way!" CHANGING COLOURS. "A funny thing happened in my town last week," said the chatty man in the train. "What was that?" asked a fellow-tray-eller. "Well, Black, a white man, and White. a coloured man, thought a fellow named Brown was pretty green, so they tried to sell him a white horse. But Brown deceived them both. In fact, he got all the money they had." "And now?" ' "And now Black and White are blue." GONE HOME SATISFIED. It was the first night of the great drama, "Saved by a Pin, and Orfool Howler, the famous tragedian, was too ill to appear. He wrung his bands as he thought of the effect of Iris non-appearance on the audience. In their frenzy they might even wreck the theatre! ' Suddenly an inspiration came to him, and, seizing a telegram form, he wired to his manager:— "Too ill to appear. Give audience money back.—Orfool Howler." Two hours later he got a reply. Eagerly he tore it open. What had happened? Had the audience rioted? No! The telegram read: "Have given audience his money back, and he has gone home satisfied." THE HAPPY BEREFT. Callie, the coloured cook who had twice been widowed, waited,upon her mistress to give notice. It appeared that she wag surrendering her job to undertake matri--1 mony again. "Well, Callie," said the white lady, "I hate to lose you, but I hope you're going to be happy. I didn't know, though, that you were even engaged." "Oh, yassum," said Callie. "I been engaged now for going on ten days." - "Who is the bridegroom?" "Wellum, he's a mighty nice man." * "Have you known him long." "Yas, indeedy. Don't you 'member, Mizz Harrison, dat yerc 'bout two weeks ago you lemme off one day right after dinner so'g I could go to the fun'el of a lady friend of mine?" ''Yes, I do." "Weelum, de one I'm fixed to marry is de corpse's husband." A HORSE'S KNEE. < "Where is a horse's knee?" "Why, in the middle of his foreleg, of course." Not so, according to Dr. I. E. Cutter, Professor of Zoology at the University of Denver, who, in explaining the intricacies , m the anatomic construction of this familar domestic animal to a class in hygiene, proved to the satisfaction of all that there are a lot of things some people don't kuow about horses. The bone in a horse that corresponds to the knee-cap of a man is high in the flank, he eaid. The knob at the rear middle of a horse's hind leg is in reality his heel, while his hoof corresponds to finger nails in a human being. "What, then," asked a curious student. "is the joint in the middle of his front leg that he stands on when getting up or lying down?" "That," eaid Dr. Gutter, "is hie wrkt.*