GOOD FOR NOTHING.

Evening Post, Volume CX, Issue 34, 8 August 1925, Page 17

GOOD FOR NOTHING.

There was a little girl and sho had a little

Right down the middle of her forehead— When she was good, she didn't have much fun, But when sho was bad — She danced at The Ritz . With Larry or Fritz; Or want to tho chow With Robert or Joe. At restaurants she ate Till tho hour grew late; Or rode out with Dan In his nifty sedan— AU pleasures she would Have missed is too good !

"I feel like a glass o' beer, Bill." "I wish you was, mate."

"Kate is indecorous." "The cat—and she Cold me she had a leading part."

"She appeari to be an engaging young woman." "Yes; three times already this season."

"I feel sure that I am now at the end of my troubles," declared the optimist. "Which end?" asked tho pessimist.

Brown: "I had no idea you were going to marry that little widow." Jones: "Nor did I. The idea was hen."

The Colonel (on the golf links): "Confound it, sir, you nearly hit my wife." Mr. Miggs: "Did I ? Well, have a shot at mine."

Irate Customer: "Here, look what you did!"

Laundryman: "I can't see anything wrong with that lace."

Customer: "Lace! That was a sheet."

Teacher: "Why do you always add up incorrectly?" Scholar: "I don't know." Teacher: "Does anyone help you?" Scholar: "Yes, my father." Teacher: "What is neif" Scholar: "A waiter.".

"When I left college I didn't owe any* one a cent." "What an awful time to leave."

"Hear about the riot down at the Umbrella Repair Men's Ball last night?" "No! . What was tho matter?" "The orchestra started to play 'It Ain't Gonna Rain No Store!' "

Judge: "Well, Eph, your wife's acceded to your wishes and got a divorce. Are you satisfied now "

"Satisfied? Don' I git no alimony?"

Ham : "Know anythin' 'bout these hero cross-word.puzzles, Sam?" Sam: "Boy, Iso a oxpert. I'«e been married to one fo' ten yeahs."

""WTiere are you going, my pretty maid?" "I'm Koing to oil the bearings of the electrio milker, she said.

The account of a recent wedding lays: — "The bride wore a silver brocaded gown, and the bridegroom wore his war medals. Oh, well, perhaps it was a warm evening.

Wifie (testily): "Oh. you needn't think you're so wonderful. The night you proposed to me you looked absolutely silly I" Hubby: "A coincidence. The fact if, I was absolutely silly I".

"My dear Mrs. proems, may I put your name down for tickets to Professor Pundit's course of lectures on Buddhism?" "By all means I You know how passionately fond I am of flowers."

Daughter: "Pa, what's platonio love?" Pa: "It's generally a bunch of trouble in disguise."

There is nothing dearer to a_ man than a (food wife —with the exception of her shopping expeditions.

"Why. whatever has become of your watch? Tho one you used to have had a handsome Rold case." "I know it had, but circumstances alter cases."

Miss Toll, reprovinar a pupil who had been usinjr swear words: "Johnny, do you know what becomes of little boys who uso BWear words?"

Johnny: "Yes, teacher, they prow up and try to play golf, like Mr. Smith."

"How old would you say Peggy fs?" "To her face, or behind her back?"

"I can tell immediately what pcopl» think of me."

"How annoying!"

"What do you moan by kissing me?" "I just couldn't help myself." "But you just did!

"Freddy," asked the schoolmaster, "what does leap yearl mean?" "One extra day at school," answered Freddy, sadly.

"Do you think, young man, that you could (jive my daughter all she asks for?" "I think so, sir, murmured the lover, bashfully. "She says she wants only me."

A city-bred girl m»rried a young farmer. An her husband came into the house one day ihe exclaimed:— "Oh. Johni \ found four ducks' eggs among the two dozen you brought in this morning." "Ducks' egge?" said John. "How do you know they were ducki' eggs!" "Why," she answered, "I put them in water and four of them floated."

""Well, I've only heard him make on* good after-dinner speech." "Really?'/ "Yes, it *w«s when he said, ''Waiter, five me the bill."

Hostess: "I've got a new maid coming to see me to-morrow." Caller:' 'How delightful! What are you groing. to wear?"

Professor: "You seem to understand all that. Now let us pass on to immortality, the life of the hereafter." Student: "Not prepared, sir."

"How can we boost economy week?" "Get up a pageant."

There's no arrest for the wary.

Shart Story—He thougiht she would give him half the road. Only seventeen stitches were necessary.

Sometimes the highest heels are on the lowest typos..

" Heavens 1 Where did that little boy •ver (jet hold of those frightful words? " Oh, his parents are censors, and I suppose he has to listen to their tabletalk."

"Do unto others as others did unto the©," said the new car owner as he ran over a helpless pedestrian.

Eminent Physician—l regret to inform you that your golden voice is ruined! Prominent Vocalist—Then I will accept that vaudeville engagement they've been offering me for so long!

Smillison—Can you name Hie three orders in architecture? Glasrock —Sure! First mortgage, second mortgage, land foreclosure!

Life has three doors. There's the door markod " Push " and the door marked " Pull," and there's the revolving door.

Mountain Guide —And nq.w here is a magnificent enho to listen to. Tourist—Is it free?

Visitor, to George Johnson; "Do you I "No* but t «u'l fit* U uy,H