Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CVII, Issue 146, 21 June 1924, Page 17

Wit and Humour

TO MOLLY IN A NEW HAT. ' The Cyclops'in the days of old (Perhaps a bit before) Possessed, the ancient poets held, One optic and no more. He made the most of that, no doubt. Ere bold Ulysses gouged it out. But we whose sight has windows twain (I do not speak of flies) Are ever eager to retain Our pair of useful eyes; And some, indeed, so bright appear, You'd think their owners held them dear. ! The Eastern dames, though veiled, disclose Their gaze to all who pass; Its power every fair maid knows, Its fatal power, alas! Then why, 6weet Molly, hide from view A thing which so enhances you? For where is that I loved to see. Long-lashed and leafy-brown? There's nothing visible to me But drooping brim and crown. Tho other side I needs must try, ' To see the sparkle of your eye. i Oh, Molly, Molly, pray beware Of fashion's tyranny! Without a hat ujjon your hair You're lovelier to mo Grant but this boon, or I'm undone. Oh, let me see tho other One. —C. Denison Smith. "Windsor Magazine." Marie: My husband adores smoking in his den. Has your husband a den, my dear ? J Elizabeth: No, lie growls all over the house. Nora: Bella's engagement is to be kept a profound secret. Dora: Oh! Who told you so? Nora: She told me herself. "It's curious," said Undo Eben, "to Jiear tell bout how many geniuses has been allowed to starve an' how many lazy iolks manages to get a livin' by pretendin' to be geniUEes." "Do you consider that official's career •a success?" "Yes,"-answered the practical politician; "he went through a whole gTand °'ur°^ Cc without colli^S with a Medical Professor (after lecture):, Any questions? Student: Say, professor, what are the cockles of the heart? Hanged if ibZ ?hem? Dr g th 6 medioal b°°ks ™-?wi? lana? er (interviewing children with the idea of engaging them for a new S y)j U a\ thls ohad been °i tf«s stage? Proud Mother: No, but he's been on In inquest, and he speaks up fine! ribe, Mr. Little. Don't you ever inflict ■ a little . corporal punishment on them ? Mr. Little: No. I have never hit my boys except in self-defence. Foreman: What about carrying some more bucks, Murphy? Murphy: I ain't feeling well, guvnor; I'm trembling all with the sieve. He: I presume you carry a memento el ™£ k- md ln that locke* of yours' She: Precisely It is a lock of my husband s hair He: But your husband is still alive. She: But his hair is all gone. Lectures are being given in London beaching women to speak. The first lesson teaches them how to hold their breath for several minutes., and the second urges them to think-first. Perhaps you eanlee the catch in it now. A baby is a crying evil often made worse by being put down. t^Al!*" 3 ,octoiV 8 *' man who is egged on to the stage by his conceit, and egged off by his audience. A baker is the only man who can manage to raise the dough. A baton is a weapon with which the conductor beats time instead of beatin" the performers. "The worst faults of- secret diplomacy are that it is never secret long, and almost never diplomatic." , "No, Cuthbert, colleges never get so old that they lose their faculties." "What time is it ?" "I haven't the fainteefc idea." "Yes, I know, but what time is it? Peter: I am writing a song. Paul: Yes? What's the subject matter? PeterIt doesn't. —_« She: Are they putting that poor man out for laughing? He: No. The manager has. sent for him to find out what he was laughing at. Motorist (to nervous friend): Gad! We've discovered it at last! Friend:Dis^ covered what? Perpetual motion—l can't stop her. "I'm. sorry, my boy, but I only punish you because I love you." "I'm s-sorry, dad, that I'm n-not b-big enough to return your l-love!" Peffgy (who has patiently watched daddy fill in his income-tax papers) • Don't you put any kisses at the end of your. letters, daddy? " Thank you for the presents, auntie." " Oh, they are nothing to thank me for." "That's what I thought, but mother told me to thank you all the same." Husband —What does this mean"? I opened a banking account for you last week, and now I learn that it is overdrawn. Wife—lmpossible! I still have half of the cheques left! The grammar lesson proceeded smoothly enough until the teacher asked a small boy what kind of a noun " trousers" was. " It's an uncommon noun," was the reply, " because it's singular at the top and plural at the bottom." Perkins—That young doctor son of yours has made his mark already, hasn't he? Proud Father—Yes; did it on his first case. Good! What did he do? Vaccinated a kiddie! "Then I'm to tell the firm," the bill collector said, making a memorandum in his book, "that will probably settle the i account next week." j " Well, I'd hardly put it like that," answered the other hesitatingly. " ' Probably 'is a pretty strong word. Better make it possibly.' " The insurance agent advised a negro to take out an insuranco policy. " You never know what may happen. And there's your wife to consider." "Lawdy!" said the negro, who was thoroughly married. "I ain't any too safe at home as it is, sah!" ■ | "I suppose you are getting a good fee, doctor, for attending the Smith boy? His father's rich." [ " Well, yes, why?" " Well, I hope you won't forget that my. little Ted threw the brick that hit him." " Mrs. Jones and Mrs. Smith feel so sorry for each other." "Why?" " Ono has 3 baby and the other has