Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CVII, Issue 22, 26 January 1924, Page 17

Wit and Humour

RHYTHMIC PLAYING.

" Children should be allowed a' wide freedom of expression in rhythmic play, or dancing in response to the suggestion of rhythm or form in a musical selection."—Exchange. / Now they give us rhythmic play, To set the children up to-day; And all the nicer girls and boys, Instead of making lots of noise, And raising loud, discordant cries, Will yell in pleasant harmonies. Lester, Leopold, and Sarnray (Worse than I at their age, damme!) Take a phonograph to school And rhythmically break a rule; Here, comes little Tommy home, Skipping to a metronome; '' Why is baby in a .fret ? Oh, He is teething allegretto; And his little sister, , Jane, Howls m great chromatio pain. Reginald's most recent crime Is stealing jam in two-four time! "' Blessings on thee, little man," Product of the welfare clan — Those who give you days of rhythm; As 'for me, to thunder with 'em! > Life— , —D. MC.

Old Lancashire Woman (to girl who haa announced her intention of going to Loadon): Doan't thee go to Lun'n; thee stop in owd England.

Said he, nervously: What on earth will your father say when lie knows we're engaged ?

'• Oh," she replied, " he'll be simply delighted—simply delighted. He always is.''

'' I think grammar's easy, mother. 1 know all about singular and plural." "Do you, dear? 'a/hat's very clever. Perhaps you can tell me the plural of sugar." . "Why, lumps, of course 1"

Mother :• Don't feel so upset, Tommy. Little sister has passed the critical point in her illness, and will now get well Tommy (tearfully): I know it. And now she will want to eat all the good things the neighbours send in to her herself. " '

I've heard of a man that was "yellow," "Blue," persons I've actually seen, But in all my travels I've never met yet A grass widow I could call " green."

.The ship was settling down rapidly. Th"> passengers and crew were, rushing hither and thither. The'captain alone stood calmly at his post, when he was approached by an excited old Jew, who demanded, " Vos the ship sinking?" . ' " Yes."

'' And all the boats vas yashed avay 1" Again the answer came: "Yes." '" Then who wants to buy a diamond ring for fourpeiice ?"

She: What makes\ you like Bessie so well ? . ' . ■ -

He: Bobbed hair, flapper manners, vacant brains, and too much make-up. She: Why, I'm surprised. That certainly describes most of the girls, but curtainly. not Bessie." "I 'know—that's why I like her so well." "

First Deaf Mute: He wasn't so very angry, was he? ■ Second Deaf Mute: He was so mad thaf tho words he used almost blistered his fingers. ' ■

Mr. Fizzington is quite a linguist, isn't he?" "I never knew it." "OK, yes, ha talks three languages." . " What are they?". "Horse, baseball, and golf."

He: Did you^ call me a liar?" She: No, but you'll have to admit that tin partition between your imagination and your memory is slightly cracked.

Excited Voice (over. the telephone to physician): Doctor, my mother-in-law is at death's door. Please come and see if you can't pull her through.

His Lorship: The obstreperous beggar wholn you turned out of doors was coarse and abusive. • ,

Valet:. Abusive, me tord? He might have been your Lordship himself.

First Sub-flapper: I thought you had gone away for a few. days? Second Sub-flapper: My dearest, we had every intention of doing so, then mamma let dad have his way. So here we are completely humiliated. , ■

"No, Herbert, I am sorry; but I am sure we could not be happy together.* You know I always want my own way in everything." " But, my (\sar girl, you could go on wanting it after we were married." '

Conflicting precepts: '• Haven't I told you," asked the father, " always to tell the truth?" "Yes; you told me that,'.' the young man admitted, " and at another time you told me never to become the slave of a habit." <

'I have a. job for you, Mr. Graffik," said the editor to the new reporter. Are you married ?" " No, sir." " I thought not. Get married instantly, and let me; have three columns of 10 o'clock, on how to manage a, wife." ■

Customer: How much did you say this was? Chemist: Three and six. Customer: Thats a big price, isn't it. Chemist: Un, no. J. assure you, the drugs are very costly. Customer: But lam a druggist" myself. Chemist: Oh, you are I Well, of course, er-h-h, four pence.

Bramble: "We've got an addition to our family." Thome: "A boy?" Bramble: Guess again." Thome: "A girl then ? ' Bramble: "Right both times."

Kindly Old Party: Bless my soul! What are those boys fighting about ?-' Urchin Bystander: To find out. ' .

Butcher: You know, Mrs. Murphy, \'d give you anything in the shop. Mrs Murphy: I know yez would, but yez won't get away wid it. • '

Aunt Hannah—Have you told any one of your engagement ' to Mr. Sweeter I Edith—No; I haven't told a soul—except Bessie Miller, who thought he was going to ask .her.

Miss Passeo—Oholjy seems to think that I m keeping my age remarkable well. Miss Curt—Yes. he .told- me that" he never heard -of a single instance where you gave it away.,

After all, my dear, one of x pair of lovers is always more deeply in love— and that is the one that suffers." 'Yes but the other one is the bored party— and I find that thought consoling.*

Mr. Skinflint—The paper cays skirts are to be worn longer than ever. Mrs. Skinflint—Well, you needn't be figgerin' on me wearin' mine any longer. I've worn it five years this winter.

Boston Lady—How much are these string beans? Boston Huckster—ls 6d a quart Lady—lsn't that rather altitudinous? Huckster—Yes. madam : but these are very hiprh-strune beans. '

Mr. Toungweot—This puddins? is—pardon me—perfectly dreadful. Mrs. Youngwed—l'm sorry, dear, but the fact is the recipe was given ta» by a friend, and her handwritmc is simolv atrocious. He: "I love you." "She "My goodness! What old-fashion-ed^ book have you been reading new 1"

TRAGIC DATES.

The "Cincinnati Enquirier" gWes the following list of tragic dates: The saxophone was invented _in 1846. Jaw started in 1915. Short skirls were kiofcorJ nut

HORSE AND HORSE.

"Tom, go fetch the old horse." "Why the old one, father?" "Wear out the old ones first is-my motto." "Well, then, you fetch the horse."

THE MISSIONARY MOVEMENT.

Minister (to flapper)— Would you care to' join us in the new missionary movement? . r

Flapper—l'm crazy to try it. la it anything like the fox-trot?

ANXIOUS TO SUIT.

A. clergyman who advertised for an organist received this reply,} "Dear Sir 1 notice that you have a vacancy for an oragnist and music-teacher, either lady or gentleman. Having been both for several years, I, beg to apply for the posii tion."

NOTICE IN ARIZONA.

"My wife Sarah haa left my. ranch and any man us takes her in will get himself pumped so full of lead some tenderfoot will locate him for a' mining claim. A word to the wise is sufficient and other work on fools."

THE REASON.

First Tourist: Why are) you at the station at this unearthly hour? Second Tourist: Well, you see, I can never remember all the things I've forgotten till I get to the station, so I have to allow for plenty of time to go back for them.

AT LAST.

Maid (rushing in excitedly): Good'gracious, sir, the kitchen is. all ablaze. Householder (oooly).: Oh, then at last I can expect to get a cup of hot coffee I

THE EXCUSE.

Wife: Why did you tell the neighbours that you married me becausi I was" such a good cook, when you know I couldn't even boil a potato ?

Hubby: I had tainake some excuse, my dear.

HIRE PURCHASE PLAN.

Young Bridegroom: Do you understand this furnishing hire system? Another: Rather! They send you new furniture, and you pay so much a month for it. By the time you hate it —it's yours..

ANXIOUS.

He had become engaged, and was calling^ on her the next day. "So glad to see you, Bessie," he said. I.met your brother just now, and he said I'd find you'out." "Oh, what about?",she asked eagerly

A TEST.

( Wife (who has tha foreign language ): John, doj you know I'm getting •on splendidly, with' my French? I. am really beginning to think in the language. Husband (interested in his paper) ■ Is that so? Let me hear you think a-lit-tle while in French".

RUNNING A RISK.

A woman with a very bad cold attended a' dinner, and, although she had a poor appetite on this occasion, Bhe was pressed to have some food. ' "Oh, dp," they said for the tenth time. , I couldn't," she replied; "I couldn't possibly eat any more." They continued to press her lo eat this dish .and that, and at last she said, "Oh very wellj if I bust I bust."

LULLABY.

Mother was crooning over baby Joan, and, as mothers will, improvised a song in which she referred to baby as "mummio 6 little winkle shell." "Can you see where the resemblance comes in?.' asked the fatherof ail uncle who was present. . . "Well," replied the' latter* without hesitation. 1 expect she has a pin stuck into her sometimes I"

WHY NOT?

_ Daddy was 'confined to the house with influenza, and mother was busy sterilising the dishes which had come from the sick room.

ij^t^ dA 50U do that'" »&ed four-year-old .Donald.

Because, dear, poor daddy has gernw, and the germs get on the dishes. I boil them, and that kills all the horrid germs " ■Donald turned this over in his "mind for saveral mtoiites then: "Mother, why don t you boil daddy?" ■

MOTORISTS, ATTENTION!

_On a farm in South Georgia is posted this sign:— _ "Trespass's will be persekufced to th© full extent of 2 mean mongrel dorgs which am t never ben ovarly eoshibfl with strangers and 1 dubble barlet shot-gun wmen am t loaded with no nofy pillers onammy l£ p 4r y > tir6d °f .W. ™*

THE YOUNG HOPEFUL.

Mrs. Smilax: Henry,. I really believe Freddy is going to be a doctor when he grows up.. I heard him tell Mary that she must be careful of her health and that pie was considered hurtful. Mr Smilax: It looks to me as though he is more likely to become a lawyer. I noticed that he had two pieces of pie at Bupper last evening. -

WOULD NOT WORK.

My friend, said the kindly old gentleman who likes to make acquaintances while travelling, "you should follow my example. I strive to learn something new every day." "No," was the answer of the quiet young man; "that may do in your hne of business; but if you were doing a vaudeville turn with me, you™ realue that audiences seem, disappointed if they don't get what they have been taught to expect."

IN A QUANDARY.

«^;^ an«^^' houidsy trip ,xrived at a seaside resort and went to an hotpl Bhotly after a friend called and wfs shown up to his room. Ha found the traveller sitting in a chair surveying with a gloomy counteance a trunk which stood against the waU./ "What's the matter?" ISked th« caller "I want to get a suit of clothes out of that trunk," was the an W^,M' yl C? 0-!. 1 have the W all right, he said heaving a si ff h. "I'll trunk, she expected to come with me preve^- To ray »wfw + St Sif'-P ut m «nough to fill three trunks the way a man would pack them! If I open it the things will hoil up all fj thtr n ' OOnV l «>»«■?««» get them ij iT T' Im pondering whether it would be cheaper to go and buy "new suit of clothes or two more trunks

A HELPING HAND.

Reporter:. I hear there were four stabuTihST and t6D 6ho°t:D S *»P« "Ire Citizen pf Frozen Dog feleefulM • Yeh; th' boys elected ole Pop Rke Y> ," hoe of the Peace yesterday, an' seem' he don't get, no salary but fees th> V-, decide! to shoot an' da*? HtUe S night so's to g.t arrested an' h e lp him a'°n S fi a, ***<; >* ww nuthin' Tut a benefit performance."

LIGHT REFRESHMENTS For weeks he had been ill in the J,™ pital. With the beginning O { In™,^ cence he called loudly fj fondle lit ing he was being starved ueciar /'The doctor says you may have' someSStffing.yf 1* tO- morro< *M the nu^e

"Here s your d.nner.'V. And she gave him a spoonful of tapioca, adding "The doctor says that everything else you do must be m the same proportion " • "Nurso," h» B a s n«d, "I Wl ,' Mt -,„■ t , H «£jf •»*» rf«» brtog ,ac ,p a£ t