POPULAR DELUSIONS

Evening Post, Volume CVI, Issue 30, 4 August 1923, Page 21

POPULAR DELUSIONS

IN SUBURBIA

CABBAGES AND HUSTLE IN THE /;i^ BYWAYS .

A very common-delusion is that people think; far. jihe"mselves','; Fanatics .and lunatics may do .so, but most people don't.; .'Eren-the philosopher, if such & being exists* in these" clays of poison gai and speed, reads books written >by other philosophera,-' misinterprets • them a little-jandCthinks'; he;, has. founded a hew school of thought. And,probably / these ;oiSer /philosophers did" the same tningvi declarea "Suburbanite" in the "Melljourne'Age." ;.i Granted the first mdivitfna} who phjloeophed must to a certain., extent.have been original; but neshaTd to trape., If we really think for ourselvesjtfiere would -be fewer popular delusions, though" the unpopular ones migMbe increased. ■ ■:■'■■■'• ,: The-^ible seems'tb have originated the delusions about doves, and we have consistently perpetuated it by making the birds haunt the unfortunate head of peace. But, judging from there actual , behaviour, they must feel very out of place with'the olive branch in their mouths, and the sin of hypocrisy cannot be laid at their door. The Java dove uses Melbourne's parks and gardens as his battle grounds. Almost any time you wish you may see him denying the name of peace. His battles are camouflaged by politeness, each belligerent bowing,profonndly to the other before ■ he begins to endeavour to annihilate him. I: watched a fight between two of these birds only a few days ago.' A feathered non-combatant watched it. too, and must have been a lady, for, when the combatants recreated . the . worse for wear, she dm what she could to make their-ruffled-feelings more ruffled by saying frequently and monotonously,' "I told you so,; I told you. so." The moles of the human race suffer from the delusions that theirs is the.peaceful sex; but that they are deluded, is proved by the: fact that peace is always represented by the figure of a : woman. Women quite wrongly believe that men think themselves superior. In point of fact, man's s«ise of inferiority makes" him feign superiority, and wise is the woman who pretends not Jo see through his ruse. _ ;A universal delusion so far as Australia is; concerned is that we are a democratic 'community. In reality we are ruled with a rod of autocracy, and would . realise the Kituation if we could only emulate that first unknown philosopher arid think a little for ourselves. To take a?local illustration— did we citizens of Melbourne decide that the angles we describe when- we cross streets ihpuld be right angles, and , nd others? Certainly not, and only when we find ourselves in Court on a charge of., perpetrating illegal angles or semicricles .we even dimly realise how downtrodden we are. Safety zones appear on the surface to be humane and democratic institutions, but the motorist feels tyrannised over when'he realises that there are spaces in the streets where he ' cannot with; impunity,, knock' anyone down.

■That hustle is the text of city Ufa is another delusion. Try to walk quickly down or up Swanston street during the busy times of tho day and will swear that the whole population evolved along the tortoise \me. A common misa^prohension, speci|lJy amapg men, is,?that mothers-in-law^are'tlieiridst mlli'tant women on earth. We all want educating, ana should: be sent tp la domestic school where'Sa^oook is kitchenmistress. Then w6 would "discover ihaV mother6-in-laws aie more babes and sucklings compared with the awful person who scorches the porridge. ■ Delusions about suburbia are as common as kisses, and almost as- noxious. They eminate chiefly from the satirist, who'would have us believe that the nest of the city's camping ground is "lawn mower, cabbages; „ and monotony," but it's for more complicated. One of suburbia's main attributes is variation, introduced-by my next-door neighbour even into his.rendering of the National Anthem, usually • perpetrated without frills. t .JLt is impossible to think of monotony in connection with a. place where the., mnsielof one small street is supplied by a piano, organ, violin, ukulele, banjo,. cornet; trombone, barrel v organ and infant prodigy. , Sometimes they render solos, sometimes duets, trios, quartettes, ihassed bands. Discords and harmonies alike are variable. . Since it performs during business -hours, ' the barrel: organ, has'an excellent chance of solo r work i: ; and. though it has never changed its repertoire since it was built, age has broken its monotony, and each v week its'dumb notes speak more eloquently-•; Very soon it will be impossible to distinguish between' Annie Laurie and John Peel, ithough the two people are really not alike. Once upon a time the organ was enhanced by the presence of a monkey, which glared envy, hatred and malice at the gaping animals who had managed to get ahead of it in the Darwinian .race. But; the monkey died, the organ iB far on the road to extinction and;the grinder's black hair is grizzled and ;his'square shoulders bent.» All is : changed in suburbia. And tha future is full of menace, for time may permit the-infant prodigy to fulfil its promise, Lawn mowers and lettuces bring us to to the front and back gardens, and' White who prefers to leave these two commodi-' .ties to other people. He says he does 'so^to break the monotony, and simulates pride when he regards his barren heritage. Since he is.mtich given to indolence and philosophy—the two often go in pairs—I doubt his sincerity, but. sincere, or insincere he is, running, a great risk of introducing ,comparative mono-, tony into suburbia. Think of the result if ' everybody followed his example. Garden after garden would be filled with complexity of weeds in winter and the simplicity of "desolation in ' summer. That way indeed lies sameness, but while Smith's conscientious scruples limit the ■ rattling of his lawn mower to Saturdays, and Joites blatantly announces his industry on Sunday, and. Brown sometimes borrows Smith's ; mow,gr, sometimes Joneses, monotony dqes not dare to show , its face. As to flowers, there is variety. Jones thinks he can ;.^2vow roses, while Smith's hallucination •j.J-*¥ ■carnations.. Neither of them can l-v>,.; row eitherj of course, but their imaging 'Ij£?a{'!°ns have been kept keen by the. of. monotony in- their daily life.' Y.i;>\ -The back yard of number 23 is.fringed; %*<# ■" 'oabbages, squatting fit 'orderly i^if 0W3 > while number 21 soars to scarlet fy-^runners which gesticulate their lean trreen if-f fingers over the top of"the fence to the •^ green squatters beyond. Number 25.. °r» while concentrating, on an jn,pple tree. if has provided itself with a fruitful'source of interest, for that tree has- had so many diseases that it shouldn't know what to do to have any more, but it always does. TJiat the tree is. fruitful in no other respect doesn't for a moment; dull the ardour of .25, .which pursues cod]in, moth and other pests with a vim that never dims. ...Any day the inspectors may swoop down..and condemn the treo Any season it may bear apples .never ■V before or after equalled; Every season it bears acrop of; pests whose, size, shape and ferocity are never quite the same. Number 27 has hens. It used to possess a rooster, fond, like all men, of tho sound of his owii voice. Number 29 possessed a boarder,' fbnd of sleeping away those early hours of the morning that the Dessimist says are the most health-giving

of the day. The boarder was only fond of roosters when he met them at table. Their voices always annoyed him. He complained to. his landlady. ■" She, fond of round trips, complained to 31, who had a tonguo iong enough to reach 27, which, an advocate of direct action, called upon the landlady. Words and almost a Court action ensued, • but one •memorable Sunday 27 dined on what was called boiled fowl, but it was really rooster, boiled, because of age. Now the boarder slept away his hope of perfect health.

Anyone who keeps fowls in suburbia leads an intensely interesting life. Tho fowls themselves are not so well insured against'boredom, but they take out small policies by flying in for a sociable scratch next door, and when scarlet runner and cabbage meet'in the air, it isn't'wise to bet heavily on the psychological, result. Chance, change and uncertainty haunt the surburbanite'a back and front gardens, and the seasons won't let even White's inches 'be completely monotonous.

. If you have been deluded into associating monotony with suburbia, you can apply your own.antidote by-thinking of tho varying degrees of religious and political thought it possesses. Births and deaths are .for ever busy. Crime and its first cousin, gossip, take a hand arid.hundreds of moral battles are lost and won in a. single day. No, if you want monotony, - you'd better go to the Sahara Desert, or some place of the kind. You will- never meet it in suburbia.