Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CV, Issue 89, 14 April 1923, Page 17

Wit and Humour

ON THE EXPLOITATION OF TOMBS. The editor of "Punoh"; wrote these forceful lines to the late Lord Carnarvon : — "When under earth I too am laid, I. hope' they'll let my body be; I hope no person with t, spade Comes excavating after me. To pinch my treasure—just a riair— As if I were an anoient King. " What close-time do you fellows fix Ere on the dead you psg your claim? • How long's allowed before the. picks Are free to start your gruesome game? Ct does the question (this sounds odd) Turn on the dead man's view of God? " Must only Pagans yiejd. their day For only Christian hands to reave? . . And mayn't a Polynesian (say) Come here and .ask the Dean for leave To penetrate 0115 Abbey's gloom And hoick Queen Anne from out her tomb? "To all the dead their «quaj due! "You'll die yourself one day, and then What if some Gyppie does to you The thing you've done to T.-Amen, And makes (if I m»y be so blunt) Out of your corpee a paper stunt?" "Punch." ' — 0.8. ■ NIPPED IN THE BUD. "If people took energetic action against bores in the beginning they would be stamped out."—Daily Paper. ,■ Brown was a bore of the deepest dye— A golfer who would talk "shop!" I was warned about Brown, and advised to fly. But I didn't —I chose to stop! ... And seized the niblick secreted by me When he started "The Tale of the Fatal Stymie." He just sank down with never a, word . On the edge of the second green; There was no struggle; he never stirred As he lay there calm, serene. . . . And then with the unconcern of a Junker I buried him under the nearest bunker! "Chronicle." —E.L.R. 1 The dean was exceedingly angry. "So you confess that this unfortunate young man was carried to the pond and drenohed ? Now, what part did' you take in. this disgraceful affair?" "The right leg, sir," answered' the student meekly. "How is Reginald Nioeboy progressing with his stage career?" "I understand he has made quite a. hit as a male impersonator." If there is always a fly in the ointment, remember what an awful lot of ointment there is around the ono small fly. 'A rank heathen is a. person who thinks the Book' of Numbers is the telephone directory. Ma .(to Willie): Willie, wh*t did you study in school to-day? Willie: We had two films of history «nd one reel of geographies. "Sometimet a. luxury becomes 1 necessity." "Yes—immediately if-your neighbour has it!" Movie Vamp: Haven't you » tighter gown than this? Tired Wardrobe Manager:; No, madam, I am a costumier, not a taxidermist. Doctor: When did you first notice that Mike was sick ? Mrs. O'Flanahan: Sure, and hs quit swearing day before yisterday. The Professor: I noticed you were talking during my lecture this morning. Student: I beg your. pardon,, sir. I do not recall it. I must have been talking in my eleep. Attempts are being made by riper-den-tists to isolate the toothache microbe. It is supposed that they want to teach it come new tricks. Gym. Teacher (to girie): Lots of girls use dumb-bells to get colour in their cheeks. Bright One: And lots of girls use colour on their cheeks to get dumbbells. "Are you an optimist?" "I im," replied Farmor Corntossel. "But I can't convert the. commission merchant to my ' way of talkin'." "Pa, wh,at areVthe great majority?" "Fools." He—What do you Bay to,-a. tramp, in the park? Bhe—l nevor speak to them. "My father weighed only four poundi •when he was born." "Great heavens! Did He live!" "Old Diok couldn't come along Itst eight after all. He said he was taking a little party to the theatre." "Yes, I 6aw her." ; She: Mrs. Hardface looks a. very strongminded lady, doesn't she? He: Oh, rathor! I believe she would walk into a den of mice without turning * hair! The Doctor (looking at thermometer): Hum! I don't like your temperature. The Invalid (fretfully): Then why did you take it? Flapper: Are those glasses very powerful? Old Salt: Missy, these glasses bring things up bo close that everything less than ten miles away looks as if it is behind you. "It is high, time you bought * new evening suit, John." . "I know, dear, but the moths are to comfortable in the old one that I hate to force them to move." The Bore: Yes, I'm afraid woman w a problem without an answer. The Bored: Never met one without »n answer yet, myself. "I beg your pardon," said the lady col- j lector, timidly, "would you please help the Working Girls' Home ?" "Certainly," said the obliging young man, "but where are they V "I feel very uneasy about the rain. My wife went out without her umbrella." "No doubt she-'ll take refuge in a, Bhop." "Preoisely. That's what worrying me. Ruth: Why did you. lead me out hare? Bob: So I could talk to you. Ruth: Let's go back and dance. ' I Judge: How is it that you picked up a number of comparatively worthless articles, and left the money, which was dose at hand, untouched? Criminal: I hop* your Honour won't find fault with me for that. My wife has been hard enough on me about it!