SCOTTISH HUMOUR

Evening Post, Volume CIV, Issue 150, 22 December 1922, Page 21

SCOTTISH HUMOUR

TELLING TALES FOB HOSPITALS. Lord Aberdeen, has turned the tables on his old rival, Sir James Taggarfc, a former Lord Provost of Aberdeen, as a story-teller. A short time ago Sir James acoepted a challenge by the marquis to a storytelling contest and won. Another battle of wits was/later arranged in order to raise funds for the hospitals in Aberdeen. By a majority: of sixteen, Lord Aberdeen was declared' the victor in the second contest-,- which , lasted for three hours. " < . Altogether about forty stories were told. Here are some of those by Lord Aberdeen:— ' . Two boys, invited' by an austere aunt to spend,a holiday with her, agreed to toss for who should go. Dick arrived at the farm, and waß asked by his rela^ tive how he and not Tom had comei He explained that the matter had been settled by the expedient of tossing, "And you won?" inquired his aunt. "No,"' replied the boy, "I lost." An English tourist arrived in the Highlands, and engaged a boat to take him across the loch. The weather was unsettled, and the tourist observed, "Donald, by the bye, can you tell me where I could' get a mackintosh for my daughter!" The boatman rested on his oars fo.r a moment or. two, and then said: "There's not just ferry many mackintoshes hereabouts, but there's a fine Mac Donald, a bachelor, who lives at the head of the loch, and he might be suiting the young lady." A woman wrota to a, friend: "And poor Mr. X. is dead. Well, he was a most kindly man/ and a great' help to us in man;y_ ways., Of course, poor dear, he was quite vulgar, so we could not know him in London, but we shall meet in Heaven, no doubt." ' , '

_ A boy visited a druggist's shop on Deeside and asked for two. ounces of sulphur. On being told 'the price, he said, "I can get it ■ cheaper . than that' at Aboyne." Taking.back the aulphuv the druggist, said, "You can go to the devil, and_ there you will get it for nothing." Sir James Taggart's jokes included the following :— ' . Two shipwrecked sailors were adrift in a raft, when one, seized by panic, offered up. prayer. "0. I know I have broken most of the Commandments, but if I. can be spared I will ".', He was prevented from disclosing his view by a vigorous shako from his mate, who shouted in his ear, "Hold on a minute, dinna commit yersel; I thinK a see land." At Aberdeen .'a ship's captain engaged two men for his crew. One man, an Englishman, presented himself with, a sheaf of excellent'testimonials, and another,'a Scotsman, offered his'! services without possessing a single credential. As they were the only two applicants, however, the skipper had no choice but to accept both. Before the voyage had gone far the new "hands" were put'on. to swab the deckj and one of them and the pail were washed overboard.. The Scotsman rushed to the. captain's cabin, and surprised him by asking: "D'ye remember that fellow wi' the great bunch o' characters you signed on?". "I do," replied the officer. "Well," volunteered the informant, "he's awa' wi' your bucket."

A man was told by his doctor that he was drinking- too heavily and. must limit his "ration" to two ounces a day. Unaccustomed to estimating liquid measures, he asked his schoolboy son what an ounce amounted to. The lad answered that it represented 16 drachms. "Splendid," was the natural comment of the father.