A DEFINITION.

Evening Post, Volume XCVI, Issue 18, 20 July 1918, Page 11

A DEFINITION.

"Luxuries a tax must pay—" What are luxuries. I pray? "Luxuries, my friend, are what You possess—and I do not." —R.K.H. ' Westminster Gazette. He (to tho hostess, testily)—lsn't the company here rather mixed? The Hostess—Yes, but they don't mind if you dont. "Is your husband a member' of any secret, society?" "He thinks he is, but he talks in his sleep." "Would you mind changing this book for mo? It's tho socond edition, and I haven't read tho first." "Bragg enlisted, I hear. I wonder what kind of a. soldier he'll make." "Don't worry. He'll give a good account of himself." Bride (roproachfully)—Why didn't you tell me that you were in debt? You seemed so unhappy that I thought you had money. "Tho old master who painted that picture got no, such price as you paid." "Well," replied Mr. Cumrox, "it just goes to show what first-class modern salesmanship means to any line of business." Small Brother—Bet he'd kiss you if I weren't here. Sister—You bad boy ! Run away this very instant. Frank—Why do you say he is a living contradiction ? Ernest—Beca.usb he is straight morally and crooked financially. Mistress —How do you manago to make such a noise in the kitchen? Cook—Well, just jou try to break four plateo without making a- noise. . "Smith was extraordinarily attentive to the lady he took in to dinner." "That was his wife." "I still maintain his attention was extraordinary." ' "This machine gun can fire 600 shots a minute," said the officer. "You don't say," marvelled the fair visitor; "I don't see how anyone can pull the trigger so fast." Hipp—Did you see Longshanks in the club's swimming-pool to-day ? Hopp— Yos, and I was confirmed in my belief that he had bocn concealing tho family skoletoii right along. The German—Of course, I promised you self-determination. Tho Ukrainian (bitterly)— Well? ' The German—But. I didn't say whether I meant yourself or myself to do the determining, did I? "Is that your college diploma you have framed there?" "Well, it's a sort of diplo.mi. It's a worthless share certificate showing that I've boon through tho school of experience." "Started to handle whalo meat yet?" "No; my store isn't big enough." "What do you mean ?" "My customers wouldn't buy unless I had a lot of whales for thorn to paw over." "Doos she really apeak French as well as she protends?" '"All tho testimony I have on the. subject is I heard her the other day toll hor- husband to send the shuffer to the garridge for tho ottormobilo. "Willis—How is your garden coming? Gillis—Very poorly. The directions on the package say to measure the seeds carefully, and it has taken mo since yesterday to got the dimensions of seven of them, they're so small. "You're under arrest," exclaimed the policeman, as he stopped the motor-car. "What for?" enquired Mr. Chuggins. "I haven't made up my mind yet. I'll just look over your lights, an' your license, an' your numbers, an' so forth. I know I can get you for somcthin'.''