ALLEGEDLY FUNNY

Evening Post, Volume XC, Issue 86, 9 October 1915, Page 16

ALLEGEDLY FUNNY

ADAM AND EVE. When. Adam courting- Eve began He heard her softly coo: "There isn't any better man In. all the world than you." And A-darn, not to be outdone In. compliments, replied : "Sweet creature, you're the only one I'd take to be my bride." Springfield (Mass.) Union. [ A CHEEK MISSING. Most of the leading Christian nations seem to have mislaid the other oh«ek. — Washington Post. ; WHO SAID BENIGN? And think of a torpedo boat being known as B 9 ! — Washington Herald. AN ORIGINAL KERCHIEF. A handkerchief of William Perm is to be on exhibition. It is the original Perm wiper. — Kansas Industrialist. BE EARLY. Single ladies should be at church. ei,rly so as to be on hand when the minister gives out the hymns. _ They might get one. — Kansas Industrialist. NO WONDER HE BLUSHED. A spare, apple-faced gentlemaa sat in the_ tube that was bearing its clerkly freight to the city. When the train pulled up with a jerk and a human aval1 anche feil into the compartment he rose with some difficulty and offered hi« seat to a lady. "Oh, thank you so much," she gushed. "So good of_ you to give me your seat, but I don't like you to stand up." The gentleman replied with a suspicion of heightened colour on his apple-cheek, "Madam, I should like to oblige you in both respects, but what would people say if you were to sit on my lap?" THE TRUMPETER FAINTED. The swearing habits of soldiers annoyed Lord Woleeley, who became president of a society for, the suppression of improper language. One day when he was inspecting an Irish garrison, commanded by in officer renowned for his purple flowers of speech, the trumpeter, . ordered to sound the "Charge," sounded the "Retreat" instead. The officer's mqutb bad opened to volley forth appropriate denunciations when he caught Wolseley's eyes fixed icily upon him. He hesitated, choked, stared wildly around, then bellowed, "Oh, you naughty, naughty trumpeter !" The trumpeter, who would have weathered a torrid blast, was so dismayed by the unexpected that he fainted. PROGRESSIVE VENERATION. Public sympathy changed rapidly when Napoleon escaped from Elba to begin the "Hundred Days." One French newspaper put it this way :_ — Feb. 25, the Exterminator has signed a treaty offensive and defensive. It is not known with whom. Feb. 26, the Corsican. has left the island of Elba, March 1, Buonaparte has debarked ai Cannes with 1100 men. March 7, General Buonaparte has taken possession of Grenoble. March 10, Napoleon has enter%d Lyons. March 19, the Emperor reached FontainebJeau to-day. March 20, his Imperial Majesty. is expected at the Tuileries to-morrow, the anniversary of the birth of the King of Rome. He-;-But why don't you come with me and pick out the ring? She — I'm afraid we can't afford to do that. "Can you keep a secret?" "Yes." "But will you ?" "Oh, that's different. I don't know " "Did the social reformer have any idea for improving present conditions?" "Well, he took up a collection." St Peter — What was your occupation on earth? Spirit— Robber. St. PeterIce, coal, or gas? "He is a man with a grip of steel, an iron nerve, but a heart of gold." "Ah ! a regular man of mettle." Knicker— College teaches a boy how to yell and kick. Bcker — A mule can do that and still have two legs left over. "Before I married my wife I could listen to her voice for hours and hours." "And now?" "Now I have to." Madge — My favourite authors are Browning and Henry James. I read them over and over again. Marjorie — You have to. Foreign Nobleman — Sir, I would wed your peerless daughter _ American Millionaire — Yes, and she is going to stay peerless. "Why are you so suspicious of him?" "He has taken pains to tell me at least a dozen times within the past day or two that he is my friend." ( Elevator Boy — I told de boss to-day I wanted a raise. His Chum — What did h» say? Elevator Boy — He told me to get in an' pull de lever. Stagestruck Maiden (after trying ier Voice) — Do you think I can ever do anything with my voice? Stage Manager — Well, it may come in handy in case of fire. "De man dat is always sayin', 'Live an' learn'," remarked ; Uncle _Eben,_ "is mos' generally puttin' in his time gittin' information dat ain't no partic'Ur help to 'im." "You say she takes pains to cenceal the size of her feet' What do you mean?" "I mean she wear 3 shoes two_ sizes too small for her. If that isn't taking pains, what is?" Bobby — Dad, what is a mutual friend? Mr. Fogg — He is generally one who makes it his business to se» that you don't miss hearing the nasty things your neighbours say about you. Cedric (meeting Clarence in the park) — Well, old chap, what are you doing heah ? Clarence — Just admiring l the beauties of nature. Cedric— Aw, I say, have many gone by? "Does your husband plly cards for money?" "No," replied yoang Mrs. Torkins, thoughtfully; "I don't think Charley plays for money. But all the people who play with him. do." Miss Yellowleaf — I frankly admit I am looking for a husband. Mrs. Guzzler — So am I. Miss Yellowleaf — But I thought you had one. Mrs. Guzzler — So I have, and I spend most of my time looking for him. Chuggerton — How's your chauffeur? Carr — Had to fife him; he used to be a motorman. Chuggerton — Too reckless, eh ? Carr — Reckless nothing ! Why, I couldn't break him of the habit of slowing up at crossings ! Father — Ar-r-r ! So I have caught you kissing my daughter, have I ? Suitor^ — I trust there is no doubt about it, sir. The light is quite dim, and I should feel vastly humiliated if it should turn out to be somebody else I had been kissing. "Oh, mother," sobbed the young wife, "John doesn't trust me." "Why, my child, what has he done ?" _ "Well, you know, I cooked my arst dinner for him. to-day, and he invited a friend to dine with him." The sobs broko out afresh. "And oh, mother, fio man was a doctor !" Young Bagley married the charming Olive, and aftei* the wedding breakfast he chanced to notice one of tho guests, a young man, who appeared to bo extremely gloomy and was evidently not having a good time. lie stepped up to tho young fellow with the idea of cheering him up. "Er — have you kissed the bride?" he asked "Not lately," replied the gloomy cue, with a far-away exprestiofl,