ALLEGEDLY FUNNY

Evening Post, Volume LXXXIX, Issue 126, 29 May 1915, Page 16

ALLEGEDLY FUNNY

HE WAS RATHER STUPID. "Your care have never been pierced?" I asked, on converse bent. "No; simply bored," tho girl replied. I wonder what she meant? M4RK TWAIN AND THE SPIDER. When Mark Twain, in his early day*, was editor of a Missouri paper, a superstitious subscriber wrote to him. saying that he had found a spider in his paper, and asking him whether that was a 6ign of good or bad. Tho humorist wrote him this answer, and printed it: — „ "Old Subscriber. — Finding- a spider in your paper was neither good luck nor bad luck for you. The spider was merely looking over our paper to see which merchant is not advertising, so that ho can go to that store, spin hia web across the door, and lead a life of undisturbed peace ever afterward." WAIT AND SEE. "Uncle Joe" Cannon, the veteran United States politician, was askod what he thought of the outlook fof the Republican party in 1916, and ho answered with a story: "A black man was arrested for horsestealing while I was prosecuting-attornoy in Vermilion country," he said, "?nd was placed on trial, after being duly indicted. When his day in Court camo he was taken before the judge and I solemnly read the charge in the indictment to him. "'Are you guilty or not?' I asked. "The, black man rolled uneasily in his chair. 'Well, boss,' he finally said, 'ain't dat the very thing- we're about to try V " LEGAL ADVICE. A determined-looking lady rustled into the solicitor's office and demanded to see the head of the firm Sho was the sort of woman who gob what sho wanted, and, therefore, in spite of the fact that the great legal light was horribly busy, she was soon alone with him in his inner sanctum. "I want your advice," she said, regarding him sternly "My nexi-door neighbour's son is continually thrashing- my boy. What do you advise me to do?" Her manner was almo6t threatening; but the solicitor was a brave man. "Teach him to fight, madam ! Half a guinea, pleaso!" ho said, as ho rang the bell. TAKEN TOO LITERALLY. A physician engaged a nurse, recently graduated, for a case of delirium tremens. The physician succeeded in quieting hie patient and left gome > medicine, instructing tho nurse to administer it to him if he "began to see snakes again." At the next call the physician found the patient again raving. To his puzzled enquiry the nurse replied that the man had been going on that way for several hours, and that Bhe had not given him any medicine. "But didn't I tell you to give it to him if ho began to see snakes again?" asked the physician. "But he didn't see snakes this time," replied the nurse confidently. "He saw red, white, and blue turkeys with straw hats on." Ed. — "He seems to be wandering in hia mind." Fred— "Well, he can't Btray far. First Frosh— "Thought it was a oas« of love at first sight. Second Frosh — "'Twas. But I took another look." "Hello, Dotty! What are you doing these days?" "Same old thing." "Are you really? I thought he went abroad." r, Sll ™' Hoff do y° u like mT singing?" He— "Well, I've heard Tetrazzini and Mary Garden, but you're better still." "Did you put in fresh water for the goldfish, Mary?" ','No, mum; they ain't drunk up what I gave them yesterday." "Any moral improvement's in the old town?" "Oh yes. Wo have built a new courthouse, and doubled the size of the gaol." "You advertise your chestnuts aa being uniform in quality?" "I do." "Well, they are not. You left the worm out of this one." "Jonesby had a doctor with him all night." "Was he very sick?" "He was toward the last, when the doctor held all the good hands." First Burglar— "Wot'U we do with this burgjar alarm, Bill?" Second Bur. glar— "Slip it in the sack. We kin get somethin' for it." "How do you like your hotel, Clara ?" Oh, fine ! The rooms are small and dark, and the food is badly cooked; but the gossip is excellent." "Her novel shows a juvenile trend of mind. Why doesn't she revise it?" "Her mother thinks she is too young to read 1 what she has written " Madge— "Why do you prefer Wag- ! ncr? Marjone — "Because he composes about the only kind of music one can I hear above the conversation." | "Want to leave me, Mary? I thought you were quite comfortable. What is it for— something private?" "No, mam, it's a sergeant." Dear Sweet Thing— "Aren't you feeling well?" Steady— "No; I ate German noodle soup and French fried potatoes for supper, and they won't arbitrate." Mrs. Newlyrich— "l didn't know Titian was a painter." Miss Caustique — "What did you think he was?" Mrs. Newlyrich — "I thought it was a hair dye." Mrs. Flatbußh— "My husband gave me a rainbow kiss last night." Mrs. Bensonhurst—"What, kind of kiss is that?" Mrs. Flatbush — "One that follows a storm." Farmer— "Want a job, eh? Do you understand farming ?" Applicant — "Thoroughly, sir." Farmer — "You wouldn t do. I want a man who is enthusiastic about it." "Do you know anything about the language of flowers?" "Only this much; a five-dollar box of roses talks a heap louder to a girl than a fifty -cent bunch of carnations." Sweet Young Wife (to special constable, about to go on duty)— Well, dear, if you won't take Tiny, will you promise me that if you see a. burglar or a street fight you won't interfere?" Charming Widow— And what are you . doing nowadays? Mr. Bach— Looking out for number one. And you? -Charming Widow— Oh, I'm looking out for number two. "Can we squeeze in this orowded car?" I asked the polite but timid young man. "Maybe, Charley," replied the sweet thing; "but don't you think we'd better wait until we get home?" "Wombat used to be a great out-door man and all-round sport. Is he recon- ' ciled to married life?" "I think so. I called on him recently, and found him Sifting ashes with an old tennis racket." Congressman— Want a job, eh ? What can you do? Constituent— Nothing. Congressman—Sorry, but those high-6ala.ried jobs are all taken long ago. You must wait for a vacancy Professor of Chemietry — If anything should go wrong in this experiment, we and the laboratory with us might be blown skyhigh Come closer, gentlemen, so that you may be belter able to follow Aftar witnessing the wonderful performance of a blind pianist, ono Irishman remarked to another: — "Be the powers, that's the best music I iver heard wid me two ears." "Ho does pretty well for a blind man, doesn't he?" "He does, indade. But I was just thinkin' of wan thing." "What's that?" "It wouldnH make any difference to him if ho wasn't blind." "Why not?" "Well. 1 wor watebin' him all uvctilu', tmd be aiver J9ok»d at the piitiny anyhow,.".