ALLEGED HUMOUR TALKERS, OFTEN

Evening Post, Volume LXXXVII, Issue 74, 28 March 1914, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR TALKERS, OFTEN

The men who say Hard work is sweet, Are those who live On Easy street THE BURNING QUESTION. Why catch a cold? For surely 'tis As easy not to do so; Preventive means and remedies Are plentiful, as whoso Has friends must very surely know Becaiwe they often tell him so. There's eucalyptus, cinnamon, Quinine, and whisky toddy ; There's rule and reg-ulation on The clothing of the body ; There's scientific warning not On muggy days to gg P t too hot. Yet every plan of mortals fails, Although the strife's a hot one, incept mv own— and that entails Belief I haven't got one, Asserted as the chance permits I Between my frequent sneezing fits. Daily Chronicle. A W B. THE LOTS. Old Abrakam'6 nephew must not be forgot When we're searchinp for woman's comparative worth; While it's true that he was not at all a bad Lot, His wife was admittedly the salt of the earth. HINTS TO THE EDITOR. "I trust that you will pardon my intrusion, &ir, but this is a matter of the greatest importance." The tall, earnest man of middle age, who had a moment before entered the office of the editor-in-chief of the great newspaper, sank into a chair. "I know you are a busy man," he continued, "but I represent a large body of your readers, and on behalf of myself, my wife, and ray family I want to ask you if you couldn t have a few more murder accounts in your paper?" "Murders?" "Yes, sir, and dress them up to read a little more luridly. Then I have> noticed a slight falling- off lately in spicy stories; play up the divorces a little more, couldn't you?" "Divorces?" "Tnit'e tho idea. Never mind accuracy We are looking for something to catch the eye and nail the attention. You do fairly well, but you must, do bettor. My family needs it. My children need it. I have a lot of growing girls and boys in my house, and we. want you to help us out." The great editor, interested in spite of himself, turned interrogatively to hi 6 voluntary visitor. "Do you mean to say, air, 1 ' he asked, "that you let. your boys and girls read these things?" "Why certainly. Only you don't givs us enough. We wan* more.""Why,'" The guest emiled. "Perfectly simple, sir," he replied. "My eons and daughters are now spending most of their time looking at white slave picture shows in the afternoon, decadent dramas in tho evening, or dancing gng«gestive dances and listening to sex lectures by noted psychologists at other times. And I thought if you could give them more reading matter in your paper such as I have described it might eerve to keep them home more, and elevate their morals.'' N.Y. Lif». T.L.M THE ROAD TO FAME. "At last," cried the musician, "I have fame within my grasp." "How so?" asked his wife, who had heard the same thing before. "You know Mendelssolm'e 'Wedding March,' and the marvellous repute it brought hin'?" said the musician. "Yes, but what of it?" "Well, I'm going to write a Divorce March." DECLINED THE JOB. Sam had worked on the farm for nine jears, and until his master took to poultry farming he was quite satisfied with life. But this poultry business was a bit too much. He had to take the eggs a& they were laid and write the date on them with an indelible pencil. And worse than that, he had also to write on the egg 6 the breed of the hen that laid them. So one day he marched up to the farmer. "I'm about fed up," said he, "and I'm going to leave !" The farmer was astounded. "Surely, Sam," 6aid he, "you're not going to leave me after all these years?" "Yes, but I am, 1 ' retorted Sam. "I've done every kind of rotten job on this farm, but I'd rather starve than go on being secretary to your old hens!" PLENTY OF COMPANY. There was an old Scottish pagan in a email village who could be by no means persuaded To attend chuich One day the minister met him and began : "How is it, John, you are so persistent in your absence from church?" "Weel," replied John, "it's just like *his — the sermons are o'er lang foi me." "John ! John !" wrathfully cried the minister, "you'll dee and you'll go to a place where you'll hear no sermon, long or short." "Ah, weel, maybe that will be," replied the phlegmatic John, "but I'm sure it'll no fos for want of meenisters." MURPHY. TIMEKEEPER Murphy had had a win or two at the races, so he became an owner himself (writes "Woomera," in the Australasian). After a week or so the boy who was training the horse asked him to tune a gallop in the paddock Murphy brought a clock with him, but -was persuaded by the boy to use a watch instead. The boygalloped the horse round the paddock, with Murphy looking intently at the watch. As the horse approached the finishing-post Murphy raised his eyes from the watch, and began to gesticulate frantically. "Sind him round agm!" he shouted to the boy. "Sind him round agm, and make it twinty minutes!" "They tell me that woman is a gossip. Do you think she is reliable ?" "I know that whatever she says goes." Johnny — Pa, is it wrong to steal from a trust ? Pa— Don't let the question bother you, my son. It's impossible. ' Your wife used to like to sing, and she playpd tho piaho a lot. Now wo don't hear her at all. How' that?" "She hasn't the time. We have two children." "Well, well After all, children are a blessing !" "There's nothing so hard to ride as a young broncho," said the Westerner. "Oh, I don't know," replied tht man from back East. "Did you ever try the water wagon." "What do you understand by 'edible fungi' ?" "It ha 6 somethin' to do with mushrooms an' toadstools," replied Father Comtossel. "But whether it's what you swaller 01 what happens to you afterward I wouldn't like to cay without writin' to the department " Professor (in geology) — The geologists think nothing of a thousand years. Student — Great guns! And I loaned n geologist ten dollars yesterday "'And how'a your husband, Mrs Bloggs?'' " 'E's still rather poorly, mam, thank ye kindly , 'c's bin Buffering a loi with 'i 6 gastric ulster !" Fiibt 1 Company Promolei to Second Ditto — Darned insult, I call it ! Second Promoter — What's wrong ? First C.P. — See what the old 6coundrol did ! Carefully counted each ot his fingers after I shook hands with him' : ijuncher — Look here, waiter, I'm very sorrj, but I've only just sufficient money with me fo pay the bill, and nothing left JOl a tip lor you Waiter (confidcntiallv) — Would you mind juet letting me "aye another lOOL *t the. bill. u£l