ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXXV, Issue 21, 25 January 1913, Page 13

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

THOSE CLEVER KIDS. Jack and Jill went up tho hill To fetoh a pa.il of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, While Jill came tumblihg after ! Jack quickly bound a "hanky" round His head, with care affecting; While Jilt stood near, with silent tear, The broken pail inspecting. They dare not fail to fetoh a pail Of water home for drinking ; So what to do tho shaken two Got very busy thinking. Thon Jack saw' Jill was frightened still— His hairbreadth 'scape from slaughter Had made the maid a little pale, In which they fetched tho water ! —Herbert Adams Judge's Library. ■ CHRISTMAS GIFTS. She needed pots' and a new floor broom, And window shades for the children's room; Her sheets were down to a threadbare three And her tablecloths were a sight to see. She wanted scarfs and a towel rack And a good, plain, useful dressing sack, Some kitchen spoons and a box for bread, A pair of scissors and sewihg thread. She hoped some practical friend would stop • And figure out that she'd like a mop, v Or a bathroom rug or a lacquered tray Or a few plain plates for every day. She hoped and hoped and she wished a lot, But these, of course, were the things she got : A cut-glass vase and a bonbohhiere, A china thing for receiving hair, Some oyster forks, a mahicure set, A chafing dish &hd a oellaret, A boudoir cap and a drawn-work mat, And a sterling this and a sterling that; A. gilt-edged book on a lofty theme, And fancy bajjfs till she longed to scream. Some curlihg 'tonga and a powder' puff And a bunch of other useless stuff. ' But though sho inwardly raged sho wroto. To all of her friends the self-same note, And said to 6ach of the damfool host— "Just how did you guess what I needed most?" —Ella Bentley Arthur. Life. We can't lift weights', with a waiter, We can't shift gates with a gaitev. Cook chops in a chopper, Grows hops in a hopper, Nor polish up grates with a grater. A WARM TRIBUTE. It was in a little country' town in the West of' England, arid Mr. Goodman, excellerit citizen and kind-hearted man, allowed himself to bo chosen Mayor for the fourth time. After, the event, ho met Mr. Jones, one of .his "warmest admirers, who shook him heartily by the hand. " I'm right sorry, Mr v Mayor," said the worthy mah, "they've pUtten on you the trouble of officiating for another term, with all your many cajls and worries of business; a far Worse man would -ha vo, suited us-rbut that^was just the trouble. ( We couldh't find him— and it's my opinion as he ain't to bo found." A doctor was attending a dangerous case where a Scotch butler was engaged. On calling in tho forenoon he said to Donald : "I hope your master's tempera* ture is much lower to-day than it was last night." "I'm no ea« very sure aboot that," replied the butler, "for.he.deed this morning." Mrs. ' Elizabeth, Marbury, the dramatio agent of New York, said at the club the other day t "It is an error* tt> 'think that the intellectual girl is dowdy. ' Look at the. girl graduates about you. Thoso with the highest marks wear usually th£ nicest frocks. 1 said one day to a'Bryh Mawr girl: ' " 'How beautiful your Y>annier gown fits, dear. , I thought you grave and rev ; oreiid seniors were above such trifles?' " 'Oh, no,' . said she. 'We all believe here in tho survival of the best fitted.' " M audio was 1 evidently feeling embarrassed abbut something, and she blushed prettily as she told the sister of j her fiance that she would ' like to buy a birthday present for him. "You know him better than I do." 6he said, "so I came to you to ask your i ndvice." "Yes?" said the future sister-in-law, entjuiringly. "What," went on the blushing Maudie, "would you advise me to get?" "Oh, I don't know," replied' the other girl carelessly. ' "I could only advise you in general terms. From .what I know of him . I should say he would appreciate something that he could pawn easily." A certain plumbing establishment in Brooklyn has this sign on its front door : "Iron and Lead Sinks." Ono morning, as the head of tho firm was coming to work, the following words were found added to the legend : " Any darn fool knows that." Recently a lettor , of introduction was handed by an actor to a manager which described . the presenter as an- aotor, of much merit, and concluded:— " He plays Maoßeth, Richelieu, Hamlet, Shylock, ahd billiards. He plays billiards best." Two pickpockets had been following an old gentleman, ' who seemed a likely subject, when suddenly he turned into a lawyer'n office. "What shall we do now?" asked one of tho "dips." "Wait for the lawyer," promptly replied the other. « "May it please your honour," aaid a lawyer,, addressing one of the judges, " I brought the prisoner from gaol on a habeas 'corpus." " Well," said a_ man in an undertone, who was standing in the rear of the coun, " these lawyers will say anything. I saw the man get out of a taxi at tho court door." The Doctor— But, my dear sir, you must masticate your food. • What were your teeth given, you for? .The Sufferer (calmlyJ—Tney * weren't given me— l bought 'em. A military man laughed' at a timid little woman because she was alarmed at the noiso of a cannon when a salute was fired. He subsequently married that timid woman, and, six months afterwards he took off his boots in the ball when he' came in late at night. "That, was an awful mistake that sur>. geon made.. The man he operated on didn't have what he thought he did." "Didn't have appendicitis at all, eh?" "Oh, he had appendicitis, all right, but ho didn't have any money/ Counsel (to witness in bandages)— Are you married? Witness— No: I was knocked down by a cab last week. "How did you like the actor who played the king? "Ever since I saw him I've beerf in favour of a Republic." "Is ho a finished musician?" "He came hear being one last night— the neighbours chased him tho whole length of tho street." "Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "do you think that women ought to be prevented from voting?" "Certainly not." "Would you try to stop mo if I wanted to go to the polls?" "Not for an instant.'' "Well, then, what in tho world is the use of wanting to vote? 1 ' "Biggins says he owes everything to his wife." "That isn'J true," replied Biggins's father-in-law. " His wife quit lending him anything 5-cars ,ago and then ho started ih owing me." ,She : Sometimes you appoar really r<anly and sometimes you are effeminate. How do you account for it? He: I suppose it is hereditary. Half of my ancestors were men and the other half women 1