ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXXIII, Issue 154, 29 June 1912, Page 13

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

THE SUFFRAGETTE. She's as wily as a weasel, • She's as vicious as a fitoat, And she's maddor than a monkey 'Cos ehe hasn't got a vote; Sbo'a as limbor as a leopard, She's at! vain as a coquette, And sho Iqvea a livoly shindy, Does tho. saucy suffragette JIM BROWN-PESSIMIST. . Jim Brown says, says he to mo; Lilo uin'l what it u&ed to be,' E vory body 'B "money mad, Things are soin' to the bad, l Politics is shamoful now, Preachers aint as good bomchow As they wero whou wo was young, Even go&pol hymns ain't sung As they ought to be, says Jim — Least that's how it soems to him. Jim Brown says, say 6 ho, 'that men All wcro honester back then; Morchauts all wero kinder, too, Trusted moro thau what they do;. Women didn't nag the way Most of 'em take on to-day. Children, ho can recollect, Paid their parents more- respoefc, Everything is jvorsp, fiays he. Than it was in ,'cighty-thrco. Jim hangs round th* corner store, Hasn't worked for months an' more; From the last job where ho hired . Out to work he soon was fired. Mrs. Jim, though, sows an' sows, Just to ke«p her kids in do' eg; It's 'bout all that oho can do '1^ buy chocs an' feed 'em, too; Since Jhn spends his time in frefting 'Bout hoW bad the world is getting. THE GIRLS WANTED. Girls t6 iron, and girls to cook, Who haven't got time to pry, Who'll givo us a sympathetic look - If we can't digest their pie. So don't bo sending us useless things, As change for our gold or poarls, But send a ton of wedding rings, 1 And a hundred ton of girls. ANY MORE GRUMBLING. A parlourmaid at Hastings in England had created something liko a. record in tho wreckage of china. Naturally hor mistress remonstrated. Picture, thon, ruy amusement when tho parlourmaid ih question burst 'dramatically and breathlessly into the room ono raorning and announced! "I havo just 1 broken two jugs and a dish, and fallen downstairs with _ a tray that had all tho best china tea sorvico upon it j and if there is any moro grumbling or complaints, I shall give notice." RESIGNATION. Grant Duff telb a. story of an old Irish politician, who was continually fighting duels, and fighting thorn, as the custom then was in Dublin, in tho grey of the morning. When he was eighty his physicians interfered, not with his fighting 1 duols,' but with his fighting them at tho accustomed hour. "1 cannot bear," said tho old man, "to inconvenience my friends." Hin medical advisers, however, v^erq inexorable, po ho yielded at last,\ saying: "If it muflt lie so, God's will bo done." And ho consented to keop later fighting hours for fear of taking cold. \ AN ODD MILLION. A New York broker was praising Charles W. Morse's ability as a money raiser. "They tell a story about Morse, ' j ho chuckled. "Moreo w^it to a millionaire^ ono day and said : 'Lend mo three million. I rauat have three million for that now deal of mine.' "'Sorry, Morse,' said the millionaire, 'but I've only got two million in ready money to-day.' " 'In that all?' «aid Morso. 'Well, hand it over then— you can owe me the other million.' '* THREE CHEERS FOR THE PORTER. On a recent trip to California from New York a passenger rolated that the Pullman porter acted as though ho wanted coniQtbing from the passengers. "What do you want?" he was asked. "Oh, anything you sco fit to give, boes," replied tho porter. "All right," said the passenger, "Boys, let's give the porter threo cheers." And they did. A BULLY HIGHWAYMAN. "Say, mamma, my teaohcr'd make a bully highwayman," exclaimed a boy as ho rushed in from school. "Why, Freddy, what hi the world do you mean ?" ' enquired his astonished mother. "Why, ahe'g always telling the children to "hold up thoir hands. 1 ' — Judge, "I saw that man gazing into your eyes," said Maud. "Yes," replied Mamie. "I felt complimented until I learned that ho is study- , ing to be an oculist. I had the name disappointing oxporience with a young dentist who waß always anxious to make me bnn'lo." "I think," said young Trottor, "I'll draw that money Undo Johu loft to me. I'm 'thinking of a trip abroad.'' j "But," protested his mother, "you tvero to cave that for «, rainy day." "Well, I'm going to 1 London. I'll bo suro to find a rainy day there." "I married a suffragette," said Mr. Cholmondely Rippinguto, of Hyde Park, "and for fivo years have found unspeakitblo happiness." "I'm glad to hoar it," aaid tho suffragotto loader. "xoV oaid Uippingate, "Mrs. Rippingitte has boon in gaol four yeart. and three mouths altogether." ' "I think tho doc-tor is about through with mo. Told tae ray nilment is practically cured." "What did you have?" "Three hundred dollars, originally." "You are ongaged for the bdx-officc. All you v, ill have to do i» to receivo monoy." ' "Thanks. I think I should like lo have a few rchcaraalr." "Did ye mod as Jim got ten years' penal for steal' n{f that 'ossV" \ "Servo 'an tight, too.- Why didn't '0 buy tho 'oes £nd not twy fcr '121 like any other gouUemau?" Bella — Ho said ho would kiss me or die in tho attempt. Delia— Woll ? Bella — Ho bae no life insurance, and. I pitied hid poor old mother. "I call 'em tho cutlery family.""Whyeo?" "Well, tho daughter spoons, the father forks out tho money, and tho mother knifes tho other guests." "I understand that his wife 13 of rather diminutivo staturo?" "Diminutive? Say. she'B bo short sho I can't wear » low-neokcd gown." Her Ladyship : Isn't that my gardener's daughter, Giles? - Giles: Yos, ycr ladyship; quite a mistake, touching .-ny 'at to 'or. Why, ehe'» us poor a* I bo. PhrcEoloci=t t Bless my soul, sir; your bu»np of doEtructivcnosH is most abnormally lergp. You must bo a soldier. Subject : Oh, doar no ; I'm a chaulfour. "Do you own youv own home?"' "Yo«.- That is I now own tho right to p»y the. tasc.«, the repair bills, and tho inor>Uily k.«t?.ltnci:ts on tho principal." "Going- to make a garden this. spring?" "No; I'm busy superintending that of my nost-door neighbour." "Plnvat'a thot mmc, Mrs. Reilly ?" ' "Suro an" Norah'a praotisin' the scales !" "Bogorry, ska must weigh a toat'4 H«: Shalt wo bunny? , 6bc.L ;No.;. lat's just pit dowa ftttd tv&