ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXXIII, Issue 94, 20 April 1912, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

WHICH WOULD YOU CARE TO BE? I'd rather bo a Could 80, If I could not be an Are : For a Could Bo is a May Be, With a, chance of touching par. I'd rather bo a Has Been Than a_ Might Have Beon, by far; For a Might Ilavo' Been has never boon But a IKs was onco an Arc. THE RIGHT SORT OF GIRL. Backwards, turn backwards, O Time, in your flight, And give us a maiden dressed proper and right ; ' ' We are so weary of switches and rats, Groat' Langtry clusters and peach-basket hats; - Wads of jute hair in a horrible pile, Stacked on their heads to the height of a mile. Something is wrong with tho maidens, wo fear; Givo us the girls as thoy used to appear. Givo us the girls we onco knew of yore, Whoso curls didn't como from a hairdressing htoro ; Maidens who dregsfii in a simple view, And just as Dame Naturo intended them to. Give us a girl with a figure her own, And fashioned divinely by Nature alone. Feminine stylos aro getting fiercor each year ; Oh, give us the girls as they used to appear. Givo us a girl with a figure her own, Aud fashioned divinely by Mature alono. EQUAL TO THE OCCASION. A Scottish tourist wandering about the streets of Paris Homo distance from his hotel found himself in a maze from which he could not escape, and, to make things worse, he failod, through ignorance of the language, to get any light to guide him hqmoward. Then a happy thought struck nitn. By dint of signs ho concluded a bargain with a fruit hawker for a basketful of gooseberries, and then, to the amazement of everybody, ho went about shouting, "Fino Scotch grozers, a penny a pun, a penny a pun !" . > This went on' for a while till a fellowcountryman rushed forward to him, and, seizing him roughly ' by the shoulder, asked: "Man, d*ye think ye' re in the streets o' Glesca, that ye gang about crying liko a madman?" "Eh 1" he replied, with a sense of relief. "Ye're juist the man I wis looking for. D'yo ken the way to my hotel?" a question"l)f"navigation. When tho Armenian massacres were commanding the interest and Rvmpathy of tho civilised* world < a newspaper correspondent rushed excitedly one day into ' the office of tho United States Assistant Secretary of State, A. A. Adoe, with the question :_ "Mr. Secretary, will you tell we definitely whether or not the United States Government will send any battleships to Armenia?" "No ships will be sent there," replied Adee, with grat gravity. "Navigation, I am informed, has not been good in the vicinity of Ararat since the time of Noah'i Ark." SMALL • INHERITANCE. At the trial of ' Home Tooke, Lord Eldon, speaking of his own reputation, said : "It is tho little inheritance I have to leave my ' children, and, by God's help, I will leave it unimpaired." Here he shed tears, and to the astonishment of those present, Mitford, the Attorney-General, began to "Just look at Mitford," ' said a bystander to Home Tooke, "what on earth is ho oryingt for?" Tooke replied :;"He is crying to think what a smull inheritance Eldon's children are likely to got." MODEST REQUEST. Beggar: "You very kindly guv* me a pair of, your trousers yesterday, sir, and now I have something else to ask for." Corpulent Benefactor : "Well, what is it?" Beggar : "A square meal, so that I can wear them." j "Wnat' is an optimist?" "A man' who thinkß that if he puts 'Rush' on a letter it will he delivered sooner than it would bo otherwise." . Marks— "Why do you allow your wife to run up such big; bills? Parks — Because I'd sooner have troublo with my creditors than with her— that's why. "Hoard about the latest insurance* scheme?" "No; what is it " "Why the compauy agrees to pay alimony to both parties in case the lnamag* turns out a failure." "In Chapter I. he shoots at her fivo times. Aint that grand?" "Yes; but them novels are misleading, Maymo. There aint no earnest love like that in real life." Metropolitan— What did you have in your garden 'ast summer? Suburbanite— Cochin Chinas, Plymouth Rocks, and Leghorns. A sportsman of great imaginative gifts, and fond of telling his exploits, related that at one shot he had brought down two partridges and a hare. His explanation was that, although^ he had only hit one partridge, the bird, in falling, had clutched at .another partridge and brought that to earth entangled in its claws. "But how about the hare?" he was asked. "Oh," 'was the calm reply, "my gun kicked and knocked me backwards, and I fell on the hare as it ran past !" "Does your cool: ever anijwer you baok ?" "Oh, dear no," replied young Mrs. Torkins; "I never think of presuming to address her in the first place." ')Yo~u must not talk all the time, Ethel," said tho mother who had boon interrupted. "When will Ibo old enough to, mamma?" asked the little girl. "Which- political ' party do you belong to?" "I doesn't actually belong to no party," replied Uncle Rasberry, "but casionally I hires out to ary one of 'em." "Is she really an expert stenographer?" "Well, no. But she's as expert as you could expect a girl of her beauty to be." "What a lot of stj'le the Browns are putting on." "Yes, and what a lot of creditors they are putting off." Mistress: "Jane* I rang for you to tell you that if I catch my hiibband kibv ing you 'again, one of you will have to go." "Your wife must keep out of all excitement." "Impossible, doctor. She carries it around with hor." Little Eva observed a flock of noisy, chattering birds. "Mamma," she said, "I guess they are having a sewing sooiety." "Do you and your wife ever have words?" "She has. I never do." Aged Suitor — It is true that I am considerably older Uian you, but a man is as young as ho feels, you know, and ■ Miss Pert — Oh, that doesn't matter. What I want to know is if you are as rich as you look. "Did your son learn anything in college?" "Oh, yes,' 1 answored the niagiiato addressed. "110 learned to operate an automobile 60 vtell that we havo put him in charge of one of our big electric trucks." She— Anyhow, you must admit he is a well-read man. Did you notice his knowledge of Aristotle? He— l did, and it" you want my candid opinion, I don't believe he'b ever been there. "You say you can get me into t>ocioty?" "Yes : but we must plan a campaign. Now which crowd do you want to get in witb, the b|jdge &et gr the gasslioe setH'i.