ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXXI, Issue 41, 18 February 1911, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

TEMPTED. She saw it in tho window, She went inside tho door, She stood before the mirror, And liked it more and more. She asked the price— 'was staggered — Looked at her watch, then lied : "I'm late for my appointment," And quickly got outside. All night she saw the vision A-dance before her eyes, Herself there in the mirror And on her puffs the prize. "What matters scarf, or jabot, Or gloves, or this or that? 'Twill take my bottom dollar, But that's my Easter hat." —Life. A MODERN INSTANCE. Oh, judge not by appearances, ■You \son't, if you are wise; And deem a man not most polito Because you see him rise In crowded car to yield his seat Unto a dame; no doubt You'll find his only reason was That he was getting out ! BIRD LANGUAGE. Oh, say, You men who try to come my .way, How does it feel When you, don't spiel All right In your flight, And you smash a strut Or drop a cog And hit the bottom liko a hogt Wow ! Why don't you learn how? Got onto my , stylo Of sailing about ! Do I ever knock all my insides out By taking a tumble On some hard spot, As you wingers do? Well, I should say not, By gum! I aviate bomo, I do; While you — Well, Who was tho last one that fell? —World. TARASCON UNCHANGED. Tarascon will always remain the South of France epitomised, remarks a correspondent to a London journal. There is in Tarascon a cafe which is called the Cafe- de Paris. Until quite lately the Cafe de Paris was the cafe of Tarascon, but latterly a new cafe, which calls itself the Tarasque Club, has been started just opposite the other, and Tarascou divides its favours now between the two. A stranger to the town -who passes either cafe in the small hours of the morning will see it brilliantly lit up, and will* naturally wonder at the late hours kept in the little southern town. But the late hours are as great a myth as the Tarasque itself, that marvellous spider which Daudet invented. All Tarascon is sound asleep between the sheets at ten o'clock every evening; but Tarascon's two cafes burn gas all night long, so that the proprietor of_ each may think that his hated rival is doing an enormous businos3. A NARROW SHAVE. There are worse perils than overcharges in country barber's shops. A correspondent of the Manchester Guardian once related how he "went into a Cornish village barber's, and found a youth there with an apron on, who smothered my face with soap and took up a razor. In a moment he had gashed my right cheek in three places, and I sprang from the chair in righteous wrath. Just then a man appeared at tho door of the cottage, and the youth dodged past him and was gone in a flash. The man explained that he had been 10 attend at a customer's house, and had left the youth to mind his cottage. 'He's a bit daft, sir, and he's always wanting to shave somebody.' I have never had a more narrow shave." I NOT ENGLISH. h Nelson was probably as thoughtless as any of us when he gave his signal, "EngI land expects " Unless we agree with I the explanation of the Scottish patriot : "Ay, Nelson only said 'expects' of the English; ho said naething of Scotland, for he kent the Scotch would do theirs." It may be well to balance this with the I true story of the Scotsman whoso patrioi tic touchiness found less happy expression. Mr. Bernard Shaw, addressing a Scottish audience, was amusing himself by running down the southern part of the island. The English hud this, that; [ and the other defects. Suddenly one of [ the audience, evidently noi listening too I carefully, but merely catching the repej tition of "English,' 1 bang out, "Why don't you say — Breotish?" ARTFUL "DIZZY." Ou one occasion Disraeli turned hs oarly acquaintance with Tom Moore to profitable account. For some years one of the members for Dublin was a Dr. Lyonb, who was very proud of his personal resemblance tp Ireland's poet. Once on the eve of a critical divii-ion, when every vote was wanted, Disraeli saw Dr. Lyons approaching, and immediately gave a look of startled astonishment. "You gave me quite a bhock. You looked so marvellously like my old friend Tom Moore." The dodge succeeded. The little Dublin doctor, llattered and dolighted, voted in the same lobby with Dizzy. Duraeli was always courteous to men of letters, even when he had not read their books. Mr. G. W. E. Russell supplies an instance in point. A lady was interested in Mr. W. H. Mallock's "New Republic"— then newly published — and wanted Disraeli to read the book and say bomelhing nice about it. The Prime Minister replied with a groan, "Ask me anything, dear lady, except this. I am an old man. Do not make me read your young friend's romances." "Oh, but he would be a great accession to the Tory party, and 11 civii word from you would secure him for ever." "Oh — well, then, give me a pen and a sheet of paper," and, sitting down in the lady's drawingroom, he wrote : "Dear Mrs. ,— I am sorry that I cannot dine with you, but I am going down (0 Hughendon for v week. Would that my solitude "could be peopled by the bright creations of Mr. Mallock's fancy." "Will that do for your young friend?" A POOR REx\.SON. Henry E. Dixey, the actor, was in a cynical mood at a recent dinner. "Evorv other young actress is calling herself Thais," he said. "Thais M'Ginnis, Thais Endicott, Thais Schmidt— the thing is universal. Universal and ridiculous, for they who have read Anatolo France's story of Thais know that she was a very naughty little girl, indeed. I am quite' sure that no real roader of 'Thais' would ever, under any circumstances, consent to be called such a name. It makes mo think of a man who, taking his infant daughter to be baptised, told the clergyman to call her Venus. 'But I refuse to call her Venus,' said the clergyman, indignantly. 'Venus is tho name of a pagan goddess.' 'Well, how about your own girl, Diana?' said tho man." A CHEERFUL PROSPECT. "Since bein' in tho oity," the country man wrote to the home folks, "I have been hit by three automobiles, and ef my lawyor tells me true, I'll get enough money in damages to fetch tho whole family for a good long stay, an' ef tho balance of you kin continue to git run over wo'll be able to buy a big farm an' live happy over afterward." Tho Judge: Can you depcriho nny specific act oi cruelty on tho part of your husband ? Tho Complainant : I should say I can ! Whenever ho had anything to say to me he'd call me up on the telephone and &ay it, and then disconnect before I had a chance to talk back to him. ! Marie: When you spoke,, to papa did you tell him you had 500 dollars "in the bank ? ! Tom; I did. I Marie : And what did b« ,Rayl I Tom; He borrgg**-^ ' l .