ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXXI, Issue 23, 28 January 1911, Page 13

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

? . A' BACHELOR'S REVERIE. I think if a maid with sparkling eyes. And hair as gold as the sunlit skies, And brow as fair as the drifts of snoWj That make the arctic regions glow, And lips as red as tho cherry ripe, And cheeks of the pinky, dimpled type, And voice as soft as a rippling brook That woos the fern in the sylvan nook, And laugh with a ring that's sterling true, And temper fair as the summer's blue, And heart as warm as a heart can be> And big as the- broad and bounding sea; With a cottage down by the sandy shore, And a bungalow where the mountains soar, And a house in town, and a fine steamyacht, And a pair of steeds with a, record trot, And a hunting-lodge in the land of Scott, And a motor car of tho touring kind. And a claim at Goldfields yet unmined, And a blook of stock in tho N. J. P., And a thousand bonds of the C. Q. D., And an office-building on Broadway, And a big hotel like the Gothamgay. And a Monday box at the opera. And a love for travel in lands afar, And a million dollars in anthracito — If, such a maid should heave in sight, And say "I'm yours," I'd reply : "You're right !" — Blakeney Gray. Munsey's Magazine. NATURE STUDY. Th' Ephalunt— guess lie was s' prised Wen he woke up one day An' found they'd mads him 'thout no hands — 'N'en he says, "Anyway, Nobody ain't forgot my nose; I'll have to make that do, I s'posol l^ Th' Ephalunt looked in th' glass An' he was dreflle clad Wen they was outtin out his earp> They used 'mos' all they had — Ain't nothin' stingy 'bout his ears 'Cause he won't tqH_ all that he hears 1 —Marie Louise Tomkins. Harper's Weekly. NOT UNLIKELY. "H. 5.," writes to the South African Observer from London : — Talked last week very cynically to an amiable old gentleman who sat next to me at a public dinner and busied himself in expounding the doctrines of Christian Science, in which he proved himself such an out-and-out boliever that I soon left off trying to be funny on the subject. "Who is that?" I asked, when the old man had departed. "That," said the man to whom I had put the question. "Oh, that is , one of the proprietors of ' .' " And he mentioned the name of possibly tho most wide-iy-advertised quack medicine in the country 1 Funny, wasn't it? Dr. Marous Herz, of Berlin, is credited with saying to a patient who read medical books diligently in order to prescribe for himself: "Be careful, my friond. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint." "Do you think you can /manage with my salary of 12. doilais a week, darling?" he asked, after she had said yes. "I'll try, Jack," said she; "but what will you do?" The political boss of a small Western city drove his buckboard at top speed down the TOahi street on ths morning of election. "Hey, Johnnie !" he yelled to his son, "git down in the Fourth Ward quick ! There's people down there votin' as they blame please!" "An heirloom," explained the farmer's wife to her thirteen-year-old boy, "is something that has been handed down from father to son, and in some instances is greatly prized." "I'd prize these heirlooms I'm wearing," remarked the youngster, " a good deal more if they wasn't so long in the legs." "We won't print any suoh stutt as that !" said the editor loftily as he handed back the mansucript. "Well, you needn't be so haughty about it," retorted the irregular contributor. "You're not the only ono who won't print it." "Mama wishes you to enter papa's factory, darling. That would do away with all his unwilKngnesß." "But, dearest, I'm a poet." "All the better. You can write verses for our vinegar advertisements." "Oh, that my son should wish to marry an actress!" shrieked the proud, patrician mother. "Now, ma; don t take on so," beseeched the undutiful heir. "She isn't really an actress; she only thinks she is." "Johnny," said the minister 1 , reprovingly, as he met an urchin carrying a string of fish one first-day afternoon, "did you catch those to-day?" "Ve — yes, sir," answered Johnny.— "That what they got for ohasin' worms on Sunday." "It's a hard world," said the aviator who felt that he waß not appreciated. "Yes," replied the colleague, ''the world would be much easier for our business if it could have been, made of rubber and inflated." As an instance of acute hydrophobia, it is difficult to surpass the story of the Scotch boatman who, while crossing a loch, was asked if he would take some water with his whisky, and replied : "Na, there was a horse drooned at the heed o' the doch twa years ago." The head of the loch was twenty-four miles distant. Nodd— l've got a couple of thousand sa^ed up to decorate my house with. Todd— What folly. Buy an automobile, and you won't care whether your house is decorated or not. Mother — I jisfc got a letter from Ephraim sayin.' as how he's took up fencin' in college. Father— Rail, 6tone, or barb? Geraldine — You haven't been to see me since you asked father for my hand. Gerald — No, this is the first time I've been able to get about. Crawford— Do you really like to pleas© your wife? Crabshaw — 1 can't say that I do, but I've found out it's the best plan. - "The count has promised that he will never beat or kick me if I will marry him," said the beautiful heiress. "But has he promised to work for you?" her father asked. "Oh, papa, don't be unreasonable." "Tea or coffee?" demanded the bustling waitress. He smiled benignly. "Don't tell me; let me guess," he whispered. Mother — Why should we make Willie a doctor when there are so many new doctors avery year?" Father— But think ol all the new ailments ! "Did Mrs. Brown talce her husband's failure in. the right spirit?" "Oh, yes. Just as soon as she knew he was going to fail she went out and bought her ontiro •nnter outfit J" Lord Morley is probably the most learned member of the British Government, but even his encyclopoedic knowledge proved insufficient when ho tackled a Scotch constituency. At one of the meetings held during his candidature for Montrose, a member of the audience enquired, "Are you in favour of the abolition of cess and stent?" He raised his eyebrows, looked perplexed, and— being quite honest, replied, "Really, sir, I don't know whether lam or not." A fow moments later Lord Morley had to admit that ho did not know the difference between whito and yellow trout. A little Boy Scout story from Sir R. Baden-Powell: — "Tho other day in Canada I heard about a little Canadian boy who, when ho went to bed, suddenly recollected that ho hadn't done a singlo good turn that day. His conscience was gnawing at him. He hoard a little squeal in the corner of the room, and he got up and releasod a mouse that had been caught in the trap. Then he gavo it to the cat." He: Would you be satisfied to give up your present beautiful homo and live in a little white cottage? She: I might, if there was a little, red automobile hitched in feoat of the doqti