ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXX, Issue 134, 3 December 1910, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

A CONTINGENCY. "The early bird will get the vrorm;" Of that there is no question ; But if the worm should chance to turn, He'd get the indigestion. EUREKA. I've found a cook, I've found a cook, I've found a cook who'll stay. My kitchen ne'er will be forsook From now till Judgment Day. ; Her eyeß are black as sparkling coals, ' Her cheeks are cherry red, And sunny curls like aureoles Are clustered round her head. And she can brew, and she oan bake — Such baling no er was seen ; And when ifc comeß to chop and steak, She's just a perfeot queen. Her sauces take me to Parse, Her puddings drive me mad, And nowhere on this earth you'll 660 Such salads rich and glad. Ah, she's indeed the richest gift That ever came my way. When there is cloud, she Droves the rift That lights the perfect day. Her wages, jußt a pleasant word! O, how my pulses stir To think I've had the luck absurd To win and marry her ! A SMALL BOY'S HOPE. I only hope that; up in Heaven There's lots of trees to climb, With very little work to do, Just playing most the time. I hope there ain't no babies there, ' But mostly grown-up boys : With lots of Dosker things to eat, And heaps of real good toys. I hope we needn't go to bed, Until we're really tired ; And then, that mother tucks us in And not a girl that's hired. And when we go out hunting • For birds with starry wings, I won't be called back at the start To "come and change my things." — E.M.S. Wellington. THE GRAVY. Dr. C was reading a very strenuous paper on total abstinence before a clerioal club when the entertainer went out to tell his wife how jnany Bhe was to provide for at supper. "What are they doing?" she asked, and was told the ( subject of the esßay. "What shall I do?" she cried, "Here I have brandied peaches, and ifc 'is too late to change." "Make no change," said her husband. "It will be all right." The essayist had the post of honour afc tho right of the lady of the house, and she presented him with a dish of the peaches. After a while she said to him, "Dr.* O — -, won't you allow me to give you some more of these peaches?" "Thank you," he replied. "xhey are excellent." A little later she said, "Dr. C , may I not . give you another peach?" "No," I thank you," said he apologetically, "but I will t take a little more of the gravyi" DISCOURAGING. He was a New Yorker visiting in a South Carolina village, and he sauntered up to a native sitting in front of the general store, and began a conversation. "Have you heard about the new manner in which the planters are going to pick their cotton this season?" he enquired. "Don't believe I have," answered the other. "Well, they have deoided to import a lot of monkeys to do the picking," rejoined the New Yorker. "Monkeys learn readily. They are thorough workers, and obviously they will save their employers a small fortune otherwise expended in wages." "Yes," ejaculated the native, "and about the time this monkey brigade is beginning to work smoothly. & lot of you fool Northerners will come tearing down Here and set 'em free." AN ANTISEPTIC CHILD. Little Walter was always carefully

guarded against germs. The telephol*. was sprayed, the drinking utensils sterilised, and public conveyances and places were forbidden him. "Father," he said one night, in a ton* of desperation, "do you know what I ant goincr to do when I grow up?" "What?" asked his father, preparing himself for tho worst. "I'm going to eafc a germ." A FRANK BOY. A certain business man of Rochester is of opinion that he has an exceedingly bright office boy. and nothing pleases him better than to tell how he acquired ths youngster's services. A notice had been posted .in tho man s Bhop window which read as follows: "Boy wanted about 14- years." A lad of that age, with little that waa prepossessing in his appearance, came into the office and stated that he had read tha notice. "So you think you would like to have the position?" asked the merchant, patronisingly, as he gazed at the lad over the rim of his spectacles. "Yes, sir," was the reply, "I want tha job, but I don't know that I can promise to keep it for the full fourteeu years." NOT WHAT SHE MEANT. Sho (effusively)— " How nice ifc is t« have met you again after all these years, my dear Captain Burlington I" He (major now) — "That was ten years ago, you know " She (still more effusively) — "How time flies ! Well, congratulations and good-by. I hope you'll be a general when next \va meet." — Punch. "KNOW THYSELF!" The senior major was giving the benefit of his advice and experience to a youthful "sub." "See here," he exclaimed, "thia is your first dinner, and— well, go easy with the decanter, my boy. Remember esprit do corps, and— er— and all that sort of thing. Here's a good tip, laddie. Sea those silver candlesticks there' When you See four instead of two — why, clear out, go home! See?" "Perfectly, and thanks, awfully !" replied the young officer. "But don't you think you had better go home at once? "There is only one candlestick .'" PREPARING TO LOOK HIS BEST. Rastus — For the love of heben, Sambo, what for you got you-all's panfca turned wrong side beforcmos' ? Sambo— Sh ! "Don't talk so loud. You see I's invited to a swell reception tonight, and I's gettin' de bulge out'n de knees. PRINCIPLE PARTS. Tommy was called upon in the Latia class to give the principal parts of the verb "dolay " With a blank look upon his face he nudged his companion and said, "Say, what is ifc!'" IIi& schoolmate replied, "Darn if I know !" Tommy's eyes brightened, and with a relieved expression on his face he thundered out, "Darn-if-I-know, darn-if-I-nare, darn-if-t navi, darn-if-1-natum." "You broke your pnga^e'iient with Miss Jaullier?" "Ye«, but 1 broke it gently." "How?" "Told her what my salary was. "Well, have you learned anything from your experiment at making garden?" , "Yes ; I have learned not to promise any one any vegetables." Rusty Rufus — Say, Tom, wouldn't it bo great ef youse could git all de eafc an' drink youse wanted by jisfc pressin' a 'lectrio button? Tired Thomas— lt shore would — ef I hed somebody ter press da button fer me. Singleton— l can not understand why a man's wife is called his better half. Wedmore — You would if you had to divide your salary with one. Lord Hubert (motoring) — Now there is no traffic about get up a "fine" turn of speed for a few miles. Chauffeur — Yes, my lord — five or ten pounds fine, my lord ?