ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXIX, Issue 83, 9 April 1910, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

POOR GOAT. There was a goat in our town And he wan wondrous thin, And yet wherever food was, he Was alwayu butting in. And when he found tho food was gone, He never acted blue — He merely ate tho dishes, and He ate tbe tablo, too. He ate a family washing and The clothesline at a bito; And then ho ato a whetstone, ju. 1 To whet his appetite. He might have been there eating yet, But that's an open question — Ho ate a box of breakfast food And died of indigestion 1 Cleveland Leader. MORE FREQUENTLY. I shot a poem in the air; It was reprinted everywhere, From Bangor to tho .Rocky Range— And always credited to "Exchange." New York Mail. And long, long afterward it chanced As a hook of verse I gazed upon, I found the poem published there, . And it was simply signed "Anon." Denver Republican. But now th*fc bit of vagrant verso Has gone much farther and fared worse ; In the Podtink. Times last week I read it, And London 1 it-Bits had the credit. Chicago Tribune. EVERYWHERE. The Bee is like a man. All up And down tho world ho beats it ; Ho gathers honey all his lifeSome other feLlow eats it. Puck. THE TRUE DIPLOMAT. At a diplomatic reception in Washington Mr». Taft, on being complimented on her exquirite French, told a little story about a senator wljoec French — acquired in twelve phonographic lessons — is by no means exquisite. The senator fresh from ono of his phonographic recitali", pounced upon an undersecretary of the French legation at a dinner. "Monsieur," ho said, "eska — ah — cika — you — osk yoo voo-ly ma — voo-ly ma dnnny " ''My dear senator," the secretary interrupted, "do, I beg of you, stop speaking French. You apeak it so well— ah, EO very, very well— it makes mo homesick!" GERMAN EFFICIENCY. An American motorist went to Germany in his car to the army manoeuvres. He was especially impressed with tho German motor ambulances. As tho tourist watched the manoeuvres from a seat under a tree, tho axlo of on* of the motor ambulances broke. Instantly the man leaped 1 out, ran into the> village, returned in a jiffy with a new axle, fixed it in placo with wonderful skill, and teuffed-teuffed' off again with his machine almost S3 good as new. "There's efficiency for you," said tho American, admiringly. "There's German efficiency for you. No matter what breaks thero'g always a stock at hand from which to nipply tho needed part." And praising the remarkable instance of German efficiency he had just witnessed, tho tourist returned to the \illagc and ordered up his car. But ho couldn't use it. The axlo was mis«ing. A SHAPELY COMPLIMENT. Tho lato Chief Justice Chaso wt* noted for his gallantry. Whilo on a visit to the South, shortly after tho war, ho was introduced to a vory beautiful woman who prided herself upon her devotion to the "lost cause." Anxious that the Chief Justico should know her sentiments, she remarked, as eho ga\o him her hand, "Mr. Chase, you eeo before you a rebel who has not been reconstructed." "Madam," ho ropliod, with a profound bow, "reconstruction in your caso would bo blasphemous." STRICTLY PROFESSIONAL. jOne morning when Mr. Choate, tho barrister, _ was in England, hi» clerk informed him that a gentleman had called and wanted him to undurtako a case. "Ah! and did you collect tho regular retaining feo 1 /" '"I only collected twen-ty-fivo guineas, sir." Tho regular foo was fifty guineas, and Mr. Choate said : ; "But that was unprofessional ; yes, ■ very unprofessional i" "But, Eir," | taid tho clerk, apologetically, and anxious to oxonorato himself from the oharge, "I got all ho had." "Ah!" said Mr Choato, with a different expression, "that was professional; yes, quite professional." WHAT HE FORGOT. A Canadian farmer, noted for his abBentmiridedno3s, went to town ono day and transacted his business with tho utmost precision. He started on his way home, however, with the firm conviction that ho hud forgotton something, but what it was ho could not recall. As he nearcd home tho conviction increased, and threo times ho stopped his horso and w ent carefully through his pockotbook in a vain endeavour , to discover what he had forgotten. In duo course ho reached homo and was mot by bis daughter, who looked at him in surprise, and exclaimed, "Why, father, wnoro have you left mother?" Knicker: "What's Smith's idea of himself ?" Bockcr : "Ho doesn't think anybody olso can do a thing ho can do, and ho doesn't think anybody clso can do a thing ho can't do." "Don't chide mo for carrying a revolver. This little gun saved my lifo onco." "How exciting ! Tell mo about it." "I was starving, and T pawned it." "Did tho — ah — prisonan offer any — ah — resistance ?" "Only a shilling, your wushup, and I wouldn't take it. Mr. Golding : "So you want to marry my daughter. Do you think that you can support her in tho fltylo to which sho has neon accustomed ?" Jack Winsome : "No, sir, but I can support her in a good deal better stylo than you lived in tho first five years sifter you married." "Ever boon lockod up?" demanded counsel. "I have been," admitted tho witness. "Aha ! And what had you been doing to get jourself locked Up?" "I had been doing jury duty."An epileptic dropped in a fit on the streets of an American town not long njfo, and was taken to a hospital. Upon remov ing his coat there was found pinned to his waistcoat a dip of paper on which was written: — "This is to inform the surgeon that this is just a case of plain fit, not appendicitis. My appendix has already been taken out twice." William Collier tells of a friend onco essayed a repertory of Shakespearean parts in the "tank" towns of the Middle West. The ambitious Thespian, in a moment of generosity, had given a pass to the waiter who served him at tho hotel in ono town. "Well, Bill," said the actor at breakfast next morning, "you saw me as Macbeth last night?" "I did." growled tho sorvitor "An' now whos goin' to pay me for my time?" Mark Twain, in tho course of a speech, talked of lib pet aversion. "Christian Science," he said, "reminds me of the apple cure for drunkenness In Hannibal, in my boyhood, tho apple cure was highly esteemed. I remember once hearing the Hannibal town drunkard cxpatiato on tho apple cure. " 'You believe in it, then, do you, Hank?' a listener asked. "'Believe in it? How can I help believin' in it?' tho drunkard said, excitedly. 'Ain't it cured me eight times V " j