ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXIX, Issue 77, 2 April 1910, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

ABBIE BEN ADHEM. Abbie Ben Adlicm (pretty as you please, And dressed as nowtly as one ovor sees), Ono day was absent when her friends bogan To turn such, absent ones beneath . their scan. "She points!" vowed one, and sadly finoolc her head. "She flirts!" anotijor<wit« a shudder said. "I'vo heard that so and co, and so and so," a third Declared, and all cried: "Well, upon -my wordi" And so in half an hour poor Abbio's fame As well as reputation and -once honoured' namo Wcro torn to tattora, and- her »rienJs declared Sho was tho sort by whom fool men were, bnared, And that if they woro sho they'd have more prido Than to givo cause for rumours undented. In fact, thoy carao to the conclusion then. That Mbs Ben Adhem should not be again Held in their friendship as she onco had been, But that fJio should bo spurned with glances keen, And that while some roports might not be truo. Of course, "a person never roally know !" Tho next day those eamo friends met to compile A list of thoso who should bo asked to whilo Away an afternoon at tea ond whist, And oach ono then prepared hor lengthy list, Suggesting who to ask and who to snuB — For it, yo» see, was an exclusivo club. And who, think you, was moat important guest V Lo, Misi Ben Adhcm's namo led all the rest! Wilbur D. Nesbit. Life THE NEW DON'T WORRIES. Tho dog ii in tho pantry, Tho oat is in tho lake. Tho cow is in tho hammock — What diffcrencs does it make? I joined tho now Don't Worry Club And now I hold my breath; So scared for fear I'll worry That I'm worried most to death. WAS DOING HER BEST. William Pruette, tho eingcr, tells of a servant girl who came to her mistress in ! tears and asked permission to go homo for A few da,ya. Sho had a telegram saying her motbor was sick. "Certainly you may go," said tho lady, "only don't stay longer than is necessary, as we need you." A week passed, and not a word from her. Then camo a note which read: — "Dear madam i will bo back nex week an ple3o kep my place for my mother is dying as fast as sho can." FISHING IN PALESTINE. Ono of tho members of a certain bishop's ohuroh root tho reverend gentleman one Sunday afternoon, and was horrified to find tho bishop carrying a shotgun. "My dear bishop." ho protested, lam shocked to find you out shooting on Sunday. The Apostles did not go shooting on Sunday." "No," repliod the bishop, "thoy did not. Tho shooting was very bad in Palestine and they wont fishing instead. ' REASSURING. A traveller in Russia noticed that tho train was all decorated with flags and banners, and at every station stood_ a company of soldiers and a band playing tho national anthem. Ho enquired of \ tho guard whether this was tho usual custom. Tho latter replied in a confidential tone: "1 don't mind telling you, sir, but in tho strictest confidence, bo it undorstood, that a carriage in this train has been engaged for 1113 Majesty. But His Majesty, as a matter of fact, won't set off till this evening. Thus tho plot hatched aguinst him may take effect on this train, you see, nnd our gracious Sovoreign will bo saved." "Do you over find it desirable to oppose your wifo?" "Yes," answerod Mr. Mcokton. "I always feel less likely to annoy Henrietta if I can avoid boing her partner in a bridgo gamo." Mr. Figg : "Gasscr says ho kepi per- , fcotly cool last night when that burglar got into tho house." Mrs. Figg : "So his wife told mo. She found him trying to hido in the, refrigerator." ; Physioian: "Havo you any acnes o* ; pains this morning?" Patient: "Yes, , doctor; it hurts mo to breathe; in fact, . the only troublo now scorts to bo with 1 my breath." Physician: "All right; I'll give you something that will soon stop , that." 1 — — Mrs. Pyne : "Mrs. Blank certainly ' possesses tact." Mrs. Hyno : "What is > your definition of tact?" Mrs. Pyne: 1 "Taot is a woman's ability to make her - husband believe ho is having his own t wm." Kentucky Tailor: "Hip pockets?"' " Customer: "Yes." Tailor: "Largo or r small?" Customer: "Half pints." Pompano : "Why do you work co hard, Bagley? You slavo from morning until ' nignt." Bagley : "I know I do. I wish to got rich. I want to die worth a million." Porapano: "Well, there's no ac- ' counting for tastes. Now, J would much ' profer to livo worth half a million." j Know thyself— bat tell no one what , thou knowest. ° Artist (to burglar who is carrying off ' his pictures)— Er— by— the— way, if you " should manage to disposo of any of them ° would you mind sending me your CU6- ' tomer's address? The rigid observance of English rules in South CJarolina courts, and tho noglect , of tho eamo on the part of a barrister well known in his day, gave riso to tho ' following passage:— "Mr. P ," eaid ,' tho judge, "you havo on a light coat. I You can't speak." "May it please the 1 lr bench," said the barrister, "I conform 0 strictly to tho law. Let mo illustrate. n The law says the barrister shall wear a .v. v black gown and coat, and your honour '• thinks that means a black coat?" "Yes," said the judge. "Well, the law also says ': the sheriff shall wear a cocked hat and « sword. Does your Honour hold that "" the sword must bo cocked as well as tho >r hat?" Ho was permitted to proceed. -• "And now that you aro finished with h college, what aro_ you going to do?" "I ►'• shall study medicine." "Rather crowded 1- profession already, isn't it ?" "Can't n help that. I shall study medicine, and y those who are already in the profession s> will have to tako their chances, that's all !" 10 Ethel — Didn't it seem an agri from the s. timo you wero engaged till you got mar>f ricd? Maud — Yes, but Jack and I i?s managed to squeeze through it. n- A youth, whoso devotion to tho young of woman of his choice had encountered it many obstacles during his long courtship, ie recently sought her out with this apet purentfy encouraging statement — "I think Id it's all right now, Alice. I mnnaged to ti- get access to your father tho other day, tfs and whilo he wouldn't exactly givo his 10 consent I rather imagine I'vo made some in headway. Ho borrowed five pounds of tb me. Surely ho can't stand mo off much longer after that !" The young woman oighed. "Yes, I've heard about it," she said, "and I think you've made an awful mess of it. Father mentioned the money »n and remarked that I'd bettor givo you 1( j vp — you wero too easy." ra Wifey— You told* me the other day we must avoid all luxuries and confine ourselves to absolute necessities only. Hubby n " —That's so, my dear. Wifey— Well, laat n ' night you camp homo from the club in a D° cab. Hubby — Yes, but that was an abfolute necesiity.