ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXIX, Issue 71, 26 March 1910, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

# THE SOFTER SEX. If twenty mon loved twenty maids, And tlio nmids 1 hoy loved them nc|, llow many bnchclors all foilorn Would woefully wish they had nc'or bocn born To mourn their singlo lot? Twenty ! If twenty maids loved twenty men And the men came not to woo, How many brides in tho briefest while Would bring_ to the altar thoso men, nnd smile, At tho neat job carried through ? Twenty ! — Brooklyn Life. THE FEMININE AMENDMENT. "Oh, I could dio for you !" I snid. "No ; live for me instead, And pay tho bills for all my clothes, My jewellery und hats and hose; Also, my hoftrd," she said. — Now York livening Sun. PERSISTENT. A f broken-down finger named Squires Wroto thus to a half hundred choirs; "Havo you placo I could fill?' 1 Thoy reply, "No," but still— Ho inquires m choirs in quires. —Life. MELODRAMA RESUMES. Onoe moro tho villain wants the farm, likewise the farmer's girl. Onco more tho hero's strong right arm defends tho priceless pearl. Once more tho villain sets a trap and digs a fearsome pit. Onco moro the handsom- hero chap walks blindly into it. Onco more we watch with bated breath the thrilling sawmill scene, Onco more tho hero focc3 death beneath the blades so keen. But, see ! Hero cornea tho hero's men ! Tho villain beats retreat I And viituo roigns supreme ngain, at fifty cents per seat. — Louisvillo Courier-Journal. COULDN'T SIGNAL IT. Admiral Mooro tells a good story of a peppery old seaman under whom he served many years ago. During foiho tactical operations ono of the ships of the squadron had made some bad blunders, and at length tho admiral completely lost hie temper. Ho stormpd about his qnartercleck and informed his hearers of his opinion of the officer in command of tho erWng ship. When ho paused for want of breath ho turned to the signaller and said to b)m "And you can telj him that, sir!" ..t t° man tcratcl ]ecl his head meditatively. I beg pardon, Fir," he ventured, "but I don t think we have, quite enough flags for your message." ' THAT ALTERS THE CASK. Jack London, to illustrate one view of charity, said that two old men were smokmg and drinking together afler dinner. Ihe host rang the bell and an old woman apppared. "Confound you, stunid!" i-aid -° i h ul t - ' <Didnlt J tell you I wanted the rtcotoh? lake this back and bring what 1 aeked for, you old fool!" r 'Comp, com«," said tho guest, after the old woman had hurried away in a great fright. "Come come, my friend, don't you think you aro rather too sharp with your old servant ?" ' Oh," eafd the other, "she's not a servant one s only a poor relation I'm keeping out of charity." Tho guc-ft looked relieved. -that alters the caw, of couvae," ho faid. EARNING THEIR LIVING. "In China, dear friends," raid the absentminded missionary, "human life is regarded 03 of but slight value. Indepcl, if a wealthy Chinaman is condemned to death, ho can carily lure another to dio for him ; and I holievG many poor follows get their living by thus acting as substitutes." WASTING TIME. A sophisticated mother who felt responsible for the future of her daughters said to one of them: "Anna, what did younm Mr. Jones pay to you last night when ho was buttoning your glove? IM w he was slightly excited." "Why," answered Anna,' he i-a:t! that the pci-son who made a glow B °, h * rd to button aa that deserved to be k-Iled. , "My dear," rclprtod her mother impressively, "don't waste any moro of your time on young Mr. Jonos." The pompom Judge glared tternly over his spectacles at the tattered prisoner, who had been dragged before the bar of justice on a charge of vagrancy "Have you ever earned a shilling in your life?" ho asked, in fine scorn. "Yes, your Honour," was the response: "I voted for you at the last ele-tion." "Ticket," said tho collector, as he opened tl.e dcor of the carriage in which sat a ,man who looked as if he was anchored to his seat The man handed over the required pasteboard, which was duly injected. Then, looking around, the collector said : "Is there another gentleman in the carriage?" "No." "Is that other puitmanteau yours, then, too?" ''Other tortnanteau ? "Yes; on the floor there, y the other." "Those," said the traveller, with dignity, "are my feet." There was a millionaire, a cattleman, who led a visitor into a great room lined with thousands of volumes. "See them books?" ho said. "Yes," said the visitor. "They're all bound in calf, ain't they?" "Yes," the visitor agreed; "they seem to havo a unifoim calf binding." "Well, hir," he said, "I killed all them calves myself." Tho manager of a shipyard is reported to have assembled his men together in tho office and told them to vote in a municipal election as they pleaded. "In fact, I shan't tell you how I am going to vote," ho said, "but after it is all over I ehall havo a barrel of beer brought into the yard." ("Hear, hear!" shouted the men.) "But I ahau't tap it unless Mr. Blank gets in." Mrs. Rubbcrton — After all, one-half the world doesn't know how tho other half lives • Rubberton — Never mind, my dear. That's no fault of yours. Believing with Solomon that to spare tho rod is to spoil tho child, an earnest parent keepß in a certain closet a leather strap with which he administers punishment to his offspring when they commit any misdemeanour. ' A few days ago he had occasion to need the strap, but it was missing from its jiisual place, and a thorough search of tiie entire flat failed to discover it. Then he offered a reward of sixpence to whosoever of his" olive branches could tell him what had become of the lost article. "Gimme the sixpence," cried four->ear-old Ben ; "I know where it is." When the coin was safely stowed away in his trousers pocket he said with much pride ; "I frowed it down tho well." Tho late Judge Silas Bryan, tha father of William J. Bryan, once had several hams stolen from his smokehouse. He missed them at once, but saifl nothing 1 about it to anyone. A few days later a neighbour came to him. "Say, judge," ho said, "I heard yew had some hams stole t'other night." "Yea," replied the judge very confidentially, "but don't tell anyone. You and I are the only ones who knoxr it." Servant— There's no coal, mum, an' the firo is goin 1 out. Mistress — Why, Norah, you should have told me that before. Servant — I couldn't tell you there was no coal, mum, when there was coal. "How is your boy Fitz getting along in dor college ?" "Aoh ! Ho is half-back in dpr fooHrall team and all der way back in his studic. " Butler — Lady Gray and the new cook are waiting below Rtairs, madam. Mrs. Frost — Show tho cook up firtf, Jorkinn. Lady Gray can wait, but the cook won't. Mr. Orthodoxer : "But, surely, sir, Doctor Rcglar doesn't advertise ? f> Tho Editor: "Well, no, not, directly, but when business is dull he ofton sends me a cheque for inserting pie and pastry reoipes.