ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXVIII, Issue 9, 10 July 1909, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

WOMAN. Oh, woman, you are charming, And poets long- have eung Their sweetest verses to you In every written tongue ; But none of them has ever Told why it is that you Will always leave a street-car .ot dne gnorW — W. J. Lampton. Success. MARY'S LITTLE HEN. Mary had a little hen Upon her little farm. Against the wolf before the door, It proved to be a charm. Each day it laid a little egg, Which Mary sold at town, And thus she bought her groceries, Aud now and tl en a gown. The years passed by, and Mary paid The little Mortgage due, And tent her girl to boarding school, Her boy to college, too. She has a nest-egg in the bank, And even keeps a cook, And everything about her has A thrifty, well-kept look. Says she, to those who daily fail With needle, brush, and pen : "If you would do as well as I, Just keep a little hen." — Daisy Field. FASHION. It's not so long since all about one, Mankind bowed down to the short and stout one ; But now we think we've never seen one So lovely as the long and lean one; In glory walks the lithe and willowy While fades away the broad and billowy, Triumphant reign right lines and angles — Geometry in silk- and spangles. But this thought consolation brings us And helps us bear the woe that wrings vs — No matter in what gowns you 6heath 'em There's still the same dear girl beneath em; So never ehake your head and frown, sir, When you behold tho Empire gown, sir, For every dog must have his day And row's the turn of the sylphlike fay. New York Sun. THE PERFECT CURE. Ho — My dear, I have a splitting headache. Can't you manage to get rid of these people? She— l can't very w,ell show them to the door. He— Certainly not ; but you can show yourself at the piano. THE DUMB DOG. A ventriloquist and his dog arrived at a country hotel. The man had only a copper in his pocket, but he 6at down at the table and prepared to order a meal. "What will you have?" asked the landlord. The ventriloquist gave his order, and, turning to the dog, he asked. "What will you have?" "I will take a ham sandwich," tho dog seemed to answer. The hotolkeeper was breathless for a moment -with astoniehment. "What did he cay ?" ho asked. "Tell him again, Nero," responded the man. "I said 'a ham 6andwich,' " the dog seemed to reply. The landlord was so impressed by the talking of the dog that he offered twenty dollar 3 for it. The owner of the dogheld out for fifty dollars, which the landlord paid. As the ventriloquist was leaving the place the dog turned to him and said : "You wretch ! To sell me for fifty dollars ! I will never speak another word." And he never did. THE SOUTHERN WAY. Ho was a fine type of the old Southern colonel, tho fiery scion of a race of cavaliers. Also, ho was exceedingly wrathful. Ho had just received a letter from a man, "a low eoht of puhfon, puh. I a«.suah you," which displeased him immensely, and he was debating, inwardly, how best to convey to his vulgar correspondent an adequate expression of his (the colonel's) opinion of him. But his stenographer was a lady. The colonel snorted, made two or three false starts, and finally dictated: Sir — My stenographer, being a lady, cannot transcribe what I think of you. I, being a. gentleman, cannot think it. But you. being neither, will readily underetand what I mean." ALL THE DIFFERENCE. Little Willie — Father, how far is it from London to Brighton? Father— About fifty miles. Little Willie — And how far is it from > Brighton to London? Father — Of course, it's tho same distance, stupid ! Little Willie— Well, 'it isn't far from Christinas to the New Year, but it's a long way from the New Year to Christmas! IN PEW SEVENTEEN. The manager of a louring baseball team, records this incident of a Southern trip : "We hit Palm Beach one spring to play a couple of exhibition games, and the hotel was packed. It was bo crowded that they doubled us all up in one rom, and before night the management had to nx bunks in the church connected with the hotel and send a lot ol men to sleep there. At about five o'clock the next morning the chxireh bell began to ring furiously, and finally tho olerk chased one of the bellboys over to see what the matter was. "What's the trouble?' a3ked the clerk, when the coon came back. " 'Gennulman in pew 17 says he wants a cocktail, suh.' " WASTED EDUCATION. "Well," observed Old Man Potts, "I've spent a heap of money on my boy Bill't education, more'n nine hundred dollars jest to see him through Yale. And I ain't through yet. It shorely, makes me sore to think of the money I'm wastin' on a boy who ain't got bo much sense now as he had before he went to college." "What's the matter, father?" asked Mrs. Potts. "Mebbe you're a little hard on Bill." "No, I ain't, Mary," answered the old man. "Jeet to show you — a little while ago I says to him I thinks it was going to rain to-morrow. What fool answer d'ye suppose he made me?" "I'm sure I don't know, father." "He begged my pardon .'"—Harper's Weekly. A BIG FISH STORY. A new fish story is told by an Aucklander. He was in a London smokingroom, and fish came on. Tho Englishmen told stories that strained acceptance : of sharks that were hooked by anchors and broke the cable chains of great ships ; of great salmon that were played from dawn till dark, and got away then ; of trout mistaken for pike and strings that would make Rotorua envious , and of much else. Last of all came tho New Zealander, who said that "on tho Auckland coast in New Zealand we have a flourishing little whaling industry; the whales aro caught in nets." And the Englishmen rose together and threw their hands «p. "That yarn beata ours," they cried together. "We give you the palm as a fish storyteller. We surrender." But the best part of tho Now Zestlander'B story is that it is absolutely true. A TRIED BRAND. John Markham. a distiller of a town in Southern Kentucky, was walking with his acquaintance the police magistrate. ■'Judge," said Mr. Markham, "havo yon ever tried my No. 1 brand of Old Markham/" "No. John," admitted the judge, "but I tried three, men in court this morning who had tried it." ! "And is this man to come into court with unblushing footsteps, with the cloak of hjpocrifij- in his mouth, and to draw fifteen bullocks out of my client's pocket with impunity?'* a«kod a barrister. There was no reply., ]

Mr Pepper — "I don't believe there was a dry eye in the housu when the curtain went down on the first act." Mre>. Pepper — "No . but there seemed to be the usual number of dry throats." Barber— Hair getting thin, sir. Ever tried our hair preparation, sir? Customer i — No, 1 can't blame it on that.

The Lady — Well, I'll give jou twopenacL not because I think you deserve i(, niindv bul because it pluiises me. The TrampThank yer, mum ; , couldn't yer make iti sixpence, an' thoroughly enjoy yerself ? Now, Willie, how many months haw twenty-eight days? Willie— All of the*? and Eome bave three days oyes t