ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXVII, Issue 133, 12 June 1909, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

i TRIOLETS. He said it hurt him worse than me, I didn't hear him crying, "When I \va§ there acropfc his knee He said it hurt him worse than me, I wisht it had 'a' done, b'gee! I think that he was lying. He said it hxirt him worse- than me, I didn't hear him orying. It wouldn't be so awful bad To got a little licking ; If that alone was all 1 had, / It wouldn't be so a-wful bad ; But "hurt him worse!" That makes me mad, It's that that starts me kicking. It wouldn't ba so awful bad To get a little licking. Chicago Daily News. THE SANDJAK OF NOYI BAZAR. It has been suggested that, as a solution of the Balkan problem, Austria-Hungary | divide tho Saudjak of Novi Bazar between Servia, and Montenegro. i As a casual newppapev reader; I As a person "jusl wanting to know;" As one seeking the light in tho darkness (Not to be inquisitive, though) On this ono point Fd like information. If you're sure I don't trespass too far — What is it — won't some ono please tell ' mo? — Tho Sandjak of Novi Bazar? With many strange terms I'm familiar ; Terms smacking of peace and of war, Which the versatile press correspondents Delight to lug in by the fcore. Kraal, kopjo, and veldt — Yildiss Kiosk ; The Duma dissolved by the Tsar, [ But T do not know yot what they mean by j llie Sandjak of Novi Bazar. I can prate of tho Punjab, the Mejliss, And I know when a jehad's proclaimed, Mashruteh is likewise familiar, And I think I have Selamik tamed; I can understand the cau^a belli, Beni Snasson, and the tribau duar. But I'm blest if I see any sense in The Sandjak of Novi Bazar. Why should this, of all things, be conceded? Is it flesh, fish, or fowl, anyway? Can he git up and beg, and take notice? Does it live with his Highness the Bey? Now, I don't want to make any trouble, And I know what so many things are, ■ So. won't you please kindly explain it — The Sandjak of Novi Bazar? Cincinnati Times-Star. A FRENCH SHERLOCK HOLMES. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, according to the Figaro, tells a story of an experience with a Parisian cabby. Coming up from the Riviera, he took a cab at the Garo do Lyon and drove to his hotel, where he tipped the driver substantially. "Merci, Monsieur Conan Doyle," said the coacher, to the astonishment of Sir Arthur, who asked how on earth ho knew hia name. "Voici," said tho cabby, "I read in the papers that Sir Doylo was to arrive in Paris from Nice, after stopping at Marseilles and Lyons on the way. Now, I noted that you had your hair cut at Marseilles, and that you had Lyons mud still on your shoes., Therefore, you must be Sir Doyle." The creator of "Sherlock Holmes" was I more amazed than ever. . Do you mean to say that was all the evidence you had to go upon?" ''Well, to bo honest, no," answered the cabby, "I also saw your name written on your box." CONGEALED GRAVITY.' An American and a Scotsman wero discussing- tho cold cxnerieiiced in winter in the north of Scotland. "Why, it's nothing at all compared to the cold weather wo have in tho States," raid the American. "I can recollect ono winter when h, sheep, jumping from a hillock into a. field, became suddenly frozen on the way and stuck in the air like a mass of ice." "But, man," exclaimed tho Scotsman, "the law of gravity wouldn't allow that!" ( ' I know that," replied the tale-pitcher. "But the law of gravity was frozen, too!" BAD BUSINESS "Do you find poultry-keeping pays?" Well, no ; I can't say that it pays me, but I think it pays my boy Jim." "How's that?' ''Well, you see, I bought him tho fowls. I havo to pay for their keep, and buy the eggs from him, and he eats them." SPARE THE HORSES. A cavalry sergeant had endured tho stupidity of a recruit for many dayo. One day the "rookie" was thus greeted when he had violated the sergeant's orders: 1 Don't ever come at the horses from behind without spealcin' to them!" ex claimed tho sergeant. "They'll be kicking that thick head of j'Oitrs! Then the first thing you know there'll be a lot of lamo horses in the squadron." AMPLE RELIEF. When Christian Scienco began to find firm footing in Winchester, the little son of a prominent woman, who had embraced the faith and was urging others to take it up, was out of school one day or two because of sickness. When the youngster -returned his teacher, who was well along in years and possessed an enquiring mind, engaged the youngster in conversation. "Been sick, Joe?" "Yes'm." , - "Sick enough to be in bed?" "Yee'm." "What did your mother do for you, Joe, while you ached in bed?" asked the teacher, now all expectancy for tho re"She mended my trousers," lisped Joe. INDETERMINATE. Now that the football season has started again, womankind is beginning to fret as to possible results. This recalls the unfortunate position of a lady who lives down Sydenha-m way, who was found apprehensively gazing up tho street one fatal Saturday by the local clergyman, who demanded to know what was worrying her "Well, you see, sir," she replied, "my husband goes to the football matches every Saturday and 'barracks' for Sydenham.^ If they win he comes homo drunk, and if they lose he comes home and hammers me. Now, I 'ear to-day's match is drawn, and I 'ardly know what to expect." A_ cynical man has come to the conclusion that a marriage is not a lottery, because in a lottery you do have a chance. - Once that genial comedian, the late Peter Dailey, consulted an oculist about bis eyes. His nose was small and he couldn't keep on the glasses with which tht- occulist was trying to fit him. "You are not used to glasses, Mr. Dailey," said the oculist was trying to lit him. "You Dailey, ."but not so high up." A splenetic Englishman, trying to badger a Scotchman who was something of a wag, declared that no man of taste would think of remaining any time in such a country as Scotland. "Tastes differ}" replied the Scot, suavely. "I'll take je to a. place in Scotland not far- frae Stirling whaur thretty thousand of your countrymen ha' been for live hundred years, an' nae thocht o' leavin' yot." A roan once aeked a celebrated author to lend him five 'hillings, which he would convert into £20,000. Asked how, ho explained that he knew a young woman with £20,000 who he knew would marry him- if ho asked her, but ha had pawned hi« teeth, and watited five shillings to redeem them, in ordar te proposo effectively. A Scotch labouring man, who had married a rich widow, exceptional for her plainness. wa6 accosted by his employer : "Well, Thomas," ho said, "I hear you ara marriod. What sort of a wife havo you got .'" "Well, sir," was the rcspomo, "siie'« the Creator's handiwork, but I canna' say she's His masterpiece." Recently two well-known society wo- i men making calls arrived at the house of a certain friend, and, after ringing tho bell, waited. No answer. They rang again, and after considerable delay the door vus opened by tho new cook, who asked, "What do you want ?" Upon being told of the naluie of the call, the girl replied : "Oi ! Stick yer cards between me teeth. Oi'vs been makin? bread."