ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXVII, Issue 108, 8 May 1909, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

A TOAST. Fashion ! Lovely Dame ! Pledge in sparkling wine ! Let us add her name To the Muses' nine ! Though the lovely Nine All should pass away Why should women pine, If but Fashion slay'/ Tho' tho Muses' lore Molder on the shelf, Still may she adore In Fashion's glass — Herself. — Oliver Herford. Collier's Weekly. BALLADE OF THE PRUDENT SPORT. I'm not pugnacious, not a bit. Before I'd fight I'd always run. That I'm a liar I'll admit In fact, that's what I've often done. I never could see any fun In being wiped from off the map By some big brute who weighs a ton. But, oh, I love to see- a. scrap ! It is a pity that the pitThat is an inadvertent pun — Is frowned upon as most unfit To patronise— a thing to shun. But fighting cocks do tako the bun ■"t force and fury, fire and snap. My r; orals are most finely spun. But, oh, I love to see a scrap ! I like to see a fellow hit A blow with force enough to stun And come up smiling, full of grit. As if the thing had just begun. ' Ot all things underneath the sun That is tho one that warms a chap. I'm not a Vandal, nor a Hun, But, oh, I love to see a scrap ! L'envoi. To safely sit and watch the ona The other's crimson claret lap ! In mildness I will yield to none, Bui, oh, I love lo see a scrap ! SELF-CONVICTION. De Lancey Nicol, the New York lawyer, dif?eus>sing a celebrated case, gave his idea of a suspicious question — ono of tho' 5 c suspicious questions which carry their own conviction with them. "It is just such a question as a g'Jded youth afked the head waiter in a Broadway restaurant tho other morning. 'Was Blank hero last night?' ho began. 'Yes, sir,' the waiter' answered. 'And,' said the youth, nervously, 'was I with him.' " THE PROFESSOR'S LETTERS. They are telling a story in Berlin about a certain eminent professor. In order to teach his pupils letter-writing, the professor recently conceived the happy idea of having them compose business letters, which were enclosed in envelopes and correctly addressed to various merchants in the town. In the evening, Herr Professor, having carried tho varied epistles home for correction, loft them on his table, and, as was his custom, hied himself to the cafe. It happened that he had a careful domestio, who, seeing all tho letters properly addressed, at once concluded that her master had forgotten lo post them, and out of tho goodness of her heart sho stamped them and hurried to the post. The surprise of somo of . the merchants upon opening their mail the following morning may be imagined, and the amusing part of the incident is that most of tho letters, some of which contained exIpnsive orders for goods, were taken seriously, and the orders promptly fulfilled. A STANDING GRIEVANCE. The Daughter — What objection have you lo my marrying him, mamma? Tho Mother— Because, dear, I think you can do better. But couldn't I always do bettor? NOT HIS FAULT Two London cabbies wero glaring at each oilier "^w, wot's the matter with you?" demanded one. "Nothink's (he jnattei with me, you bloomin' idiot." "You gave me a nartty look," persisted the first "Mo? Why, you certainly r ave a narsty look, but I didn't give it to you, so 'clp me!" THE LAST STRAW. Frank Daniels, early in his career, was principal in a small company that was touring "the provinces.." BusineßS had been poor and eating had become a luxury. It was only Iho cheering knowledge that the new opera house at Tieonderoga, New York, had been almost sold out tor their performance that kopl them together. •'Wait until we get to Tieonderoga," the manager would h ay to am- one who faintly suggested the price of a breakfast. Finally they did reach Tieonderoga. It was eventide, and a rosy glow illumined the western sky. "Ah me," sighed Daniels to the stage driver, "The sun may set in other places, but > never a 9 it does here. Behold yon "Sunset!" growled the driver. "Sunset That's the opry house burnin' down." — Everybody's Magazine. THE FATAL CHAMINADE. A high-browed young lady was playing on fhe piano to the great edification of all the other high-brows present. After a while she announced graciously that she would play "a Chaminade," and proceeded to do so. At the close of it there was applause. Then an unsuspecting low-brow piped up: "By the way, what is a Chaminade?" He spoke as if not snre whether the thing was more like a chamois or a serenade. , The young lady looked at him wither"Chaminade is a composer,' she said with much severity. That embarrassed tho low- brow. "Why, I was sure that Grieg had written a Chaminade — a suite of Chaminades in fact." "Not at all," repeated the severe young lady. _ Ohaminade is a composer." "Oh ! indeed," stammered the low-brow. well, what did he wrrte?" "He is a she," the young lady informed him. "What ! Is that so ? Well— er " At this point friends of the low-brow stepped in and restrained him from another possibly fatal plunge. — New York Times. Inherited genius may be actually a fact, but there s no doubt about transmitted stupidity. A man at sixty begins to realise that his grandfather was not so old when he died at eighty. "Your husband wor a good man," declared the sympathetic Mrs. Casey to the bereaved widow. "He wor!" exclaimed Mrs. Murphy, dashing the tears from her eyes 'No two polieemb cud handle him. Mrs. Youngwife— What is the first question you ask of a maid whom you think of employing? Mrs. Oldone— l always say tirst, "Have you ever lived with me before? Many persona possess ability to write the short story of Courage. Few men can achieve the long treatise of Fortitude. Hotel Clerk— l found the "Not to be used except in case of fire" placard those college boys stole out of the corridor. Manager— Where? They'd nailed H up over the coal-bin. Tho new Paquin gowns leave no room for improvement — nor anything else. Recent authorities on dress give it as their opinion that the ear will have to go. It is beginning to interfere with the movements of the Nazimova collar, which is steadily rising in the world. Several dressmakers have already rpcommended its painless removal. When it comes to a case of the ear versus the collar, why hesitate? To keep friends, treat them kindly ; to kill them, treat them often. The end of one's ambition becomes merely tho means lo a greater effort. Money is a real tragedy! Give it and you make pauper* ; lend it and you create enemieo ; hoard it and you imperil your Boui.