ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Issue 51, 29 February 1908, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

WHEN HE KNEW NO ENGLISH. The Rev. Henry Howard, the Australian delegate to the Weslcyan Conferonoc, who has won such an affectionate welcome from tho Methodist? of England, has recently been addressing groat meetings in Manchester and Liverpool, and at one of these ho told a story thai provoked much laughtor. At tho conference, said. Mr. Howard, a minister approached him aftor one of the meetings, with the question : "Are you an Australian, Mr. Howard?" '"I am." "I mean, wore you born in Australia?" "Oh yes, I was horn in"AuElralia.'' "Now that is strange! You speak our language so remarkably well!" "Oh yes," came the quick reply; "I'm learning the caEy words pretty well now, but at one timo I couldn't speak it all all!" "I don't know," Mr. Howard added, in recounting tho tale, "whether it. has dawned on him by now that thero was a time when he couldn't speak it!" THE CENSORIOUS TONGUE. An instructive story ia told ooncerningone of the most eminent actresses and a theatrical critic equally well known. A number of ladies and gentlemen, were the other day travelling together in a railway carriage. Only two or three of the passengers knew each other, but tho conversation coon tecame genoral, and the Frolio Theatre became tho subject of ditcuEsion. Ono Icidy who had been present the evening before at the representation of a piece was loud in her expressions of disapproval. "Worse than all," eho exclaimed, "that Mjes S is much too old for her part; her singing is becominj unbearable. Don't you think co too?" "Would you not rather tell all this to Miss S horeclf? She is sitting- opposite to you," replied l.ho person addressed coldly. After the general silenco which followed tho critical lady turnod to the actress with many confused apologies. '''It is that horrible cntio, T ," she said, "who has influenced my judgment concerning your singing. I believe it is ho who is always writing againrt you. He must bo a most disagreeable and pedantic person. "Had you not better tell that to Mr. T- — - himself?" oalmly aeked the actress, ho is sitting next to you." "How do you know he married her for her money?" "I've soen her." Snarlev— How did Jingo get run over? Vow— He was stooping to pick up a horsu. shoe. (i Church— Did you ever try any of these *» tv nature" methods? Gotham— v\ oil, I ye used a porous plaster! Miss Wiseman— Isn't your husband a httlo bald? Mrs. Hcndriks (indignantly)— I here isn't a bald hair on his head. Oeoile — What would you give to havo such hair as mine? Jcannie— l dent know -what did you givu? Farmer to Editor— What ailg my hens? 1 find two or threo on their backs every morning, never to rise again. J2dit6r— Your hens are dead. JiggE— Sho tried to cure his whisky habit by putting a euro for drunkenness in hiis coffeo. Jaggs — Did he stop drinking? Jiggs — Yes ; stopped drinking coffoe. Ada— Do you get much exercise? May — why. vO«.v O «. I havo a blouse that buttont at the back. Admiral— And what made you wish to become a sailor, my boy? Navy Candidate (in perfect good faith)— Because he's got a wife in every port, sir. Bookkeeper— Your wife is at the door, sir, and would like lo speak to you a moment. Mr. Sellars— Yes; just sco what mv balance at the bank is, will you? Parke — They say that a horse lias every disease that a human being has. Do you believe it? Clarke— l know it. I bought one from a friend recently. "Hear tho story of the snaky building?" ' No. What is it?" "Oh, there's no foundation to it." Toacher— Whatever aro you laughing at? Not at me, I hope? Scholar— Oh, no, sir Teacher— Then what else is there in tho room to laugh at? How tho Thaw trial appeals to the American public may be judged by the following from the Louisville Courier Journal:— "The Thaw trial will be produced in December. Words by Blackstone, music by Coke. Gowns by Redfern. Electrical effeds by Jerome Double sextet of insanity experts and a strictly adequato cast." "Bessie, what are you handling all that candy for ? "Because mamma, you told me I mast eat only the pieces I had touched with my fingers." First Caddy— Loarnod any new swear words yet? Second Caddy— No. Tho man I'm workin' for only says ''Pshaw !" and "Rats!" after the worst kind of a foozle I" Tho Missus— My man, don't you ever use soap? The Hobo— l would, mum, but I m skeered. I been roadin' the ads, an each ono says all other kinds is injurious to tho skin. How am I goin' ter tell w'ich one is right? Mrs. Neilson— My husband is awfully ab^nt-mmded. Mrs. Bilson: In what way? Mrs. Neilson— He went fishinnyesterday. When, he had finished he threw away the fish, and brought home tho bait. Golfer, who rather admires himself, to caddie— "l suppose you've been round the links with worse ulayers than me, eh?" Ihe caddie takes no notice. Golfer, in his loudest voice— "l say I suppose you've been round the links with worse players than me, eh?" Caddie— "l heard verra weel what ye said the first time. I'm jiifet thmkin aboot it!" "Now, we must admit," began Woodby Wise, that woman is naturally more hopeful than man " "Yes," interrupted Marryat, thure s my wife for instance • every timo that she's bought fish since wove been married she has asked the dealer if they were fresh, hoping, I suppose, that some day he'll say 'No " Robert, aged four, the chubby and pretty «on of a naturalist, had livad in the country most of his short life. One day a caller from the city, wishing to make friends with the little f l- elow took him on his knee, and asked, Are there any fairies in your woods here, Robert?" "No," responded Robert, promptly, "but there are- edible It was announced by one of the ministers m a neighbouring town a few weeks a ? 0 «« a , fc , he would preach on the subject ?t S dl *, n i, Who Will Be There" (says the Mound City News). Before Sunday cam© around, he received letters from ihree lawyers, two merchants, two town officials and an editor, threatening to sue him for •lander if he mentioned any names in the diEcouree. Tho two daughters of a parish official had been seriously ill, and the junior curate welcomed one on her return to church with no great tact. "Why, we hardly hoped to see you again." "It' s my sister that s dead, not me," said the child, regretfully. Then, with defiance, "But it's me that was most ill." Giles.— My wife can drive nails like lightning. Miles.— You don't mean it? Giles.— Sure, I do. Lightning, you know, seldom stukes twice in tho same place. "Ever try an automobile, judge?" eaid a friend "No," replied the judge; ."but I ye tried a lot of people who have." Candidate— Yus, as I've already told ■y°U) gentlemen, you see before you a self-made man. Voice (from the back)— Better ha' put the job out, mister! "It's jolly cold just now," remarked Lughingtoa. "This morning as I was getting up I could see my breath." "How horrible!" shuddered his patient little wife. Mother (policeman's wife)— Willie, I've been shouting for you this half-hour. How is it you are never here when you are wanted? Son— Well, mother, I suppose I take after father. Edyth — You ought to have hoard Mr. Huggin's ringing speech list night MayWhy, I wasn't aware that he could make a speech. Edyth — Well, I can't repeat tho speech, but I can show you the ring. "You have sjot a now servant, I see, Mrs. Youngster?" "Yes; I got her about a week ago." "How do you like her?" ''Very much, indeed. She lets me do almost as I like about the house " La Montt — But how did the Custom* officers come to sus-poet that you had smugsflcd goods on your person? La Moyne— Why, 1 was foolifh enough to tell my friends that I weighed fittv pound* ,j»ore thjr when I etartcd for Europ». ,