ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXV, Issue 33, 8 February 1908, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

— . — .» . MISSING WORDS. Mr. Louis Napoleon Parker, who has brought all the English Edwards into his pa^canr, has instructed hia performers: — "If you should be inspired to cheer, don't say 'Hurrah!' — that word was unknown when you wore supposed to be alive." It is, of course, expected that the spectators will regard this as a hint to be acted on. When in tho City kings abound, The local welkin will resound With .clamour realistic; But let us strive, whate'er we do, To banish all discordant criea. No sound unseemly should arise That critics may consider too Anachronistic. When other Edwards ruled the lan<? (Thoy're^all in Mr. Parker's band!) "Hurrah !" was not invented. If from the crowded pavement's brink, From out some Cockney mouth should shp_ The weird and mystic words "Pip-pip," Each luncr of them would surely think That man demented. ''What ho!" might be allowed to pass; But many words we know, alas ! Must not bo even mentioned. Ihe trouble, wo regret to say, Is^that, if wo shout things that jar, Its just' because we' really are Too ill-instructed to obey Not ill-intentioned ! Perhaps we'd better do our best To quoto archaic bard 3, with zest, By canto after canto; Or "9 ra ' mcrc V." wc>ll cr -V» and "Zoundsi," . I fecks," "Odsboi-'kins," "Gadszookr," (Wo ye found the-:i nil in story-books). Why were not Early-English sounds All Esperanto? — Westminster Gazette. THE DREAM OF THE ATJTOMOBOATIST. I'd love to float in a motor-boat, Tho Automobile of the Sea; To run clown Whales and scrape tho scales Of the Shad and the C.O.D. I'd love to scoot, with a honking toot Through waves that are scraping tho sky, And scare tho Shark in tho fathoms dark Where tho cables supinely lie. I'd lovo to r,hiz through tho filmy fizz, Past the Spanish Mackerel's home, And graze the wheel of tho startled Eel, As he wiggles along the foam. I'd lovo to speed through dank seaweed Over coral and reef and rocks, Till the old Sardine in the waters green Was frightened half out of his box 1 ! ' — John Kendrick Bansa. Harper h Magazine. A DANISH JOKE. It may be on account of its subtlety but foreign humour usually makes no appeal to tho Bviton. Here, for example, is a Danish ioke : — In a certain Danish province noted' fpr its superior breed of cattle, the country peoplo are not only very thrifty, but exceedingly lond of th«ir cows. Farmer Jau was walking sadly down tho road one clay, whei? the village nattor met him. "Why £o Fad, Faimer Jan?' 1 said the" pastor. "Ah! I have a very tad errand, pastor, replied Jan. "What is it?" Farmer Henrik's cow is dead in my pae- • . e { * ud , l am on my way to tell him" A hard task, Jan."' , "Indeed it is, pastor, but I shall break it to him gently. ' ''How will you do that?" I snail tell him first that it is his mother who is dead, and then, having opened the way for the telling of the sadder news ttill, I shall say to him that it is not his mother, but tho cow!" RESOURCEFUL. During tho recent stay in camp of the Rational Guard of tho District of Columbia, one of the captains called a sergeant one day, saying: "Sergeant, note down Private Moonoy— one day on bread and water for slovenly turnout on paradp." "Bag pardon, captain," responded the sergeant, -but that won't make any differeK »m. to Mo0 »?y- He's a vegetarian." men, eaid the captain, "give him one day on meat and soup." A BAD SHOT. At a certain fair, in one of the sidesnows the principal performer was a Icnile-thrower, who made a specialty of throwing knives all around a lady into a board at the back of tho stage. The partner of thi3 artist was middleaged, stout, and— well, very plain, and wiicn she came o<i the audience gasped 1 hey had not thought it possible for any one 1o bo— well, so plain, and live through it. Tho man arranged her to the Board and at tho critical moment threw the knife. It flew through tho air and stuok quivonng in tho board. Voico from tho back : "Great Scot! You've missed her!" "Captain," inquired a passenger who liad boar i M * hner at Harve the previous evening after a convivial dinner with tome friends, "how long does it take to got from hero to London?" "Well," was tho reply "it depends a good deal on the vessel you travel by. This one is bound for j\ew York!" "I see that, son of yours has braced up, and wants to do something at last. li* tells me he wants to start for ihe pole. Get busy now and give him the money. ' ««>r ot mo> » responded Mlo astute, if unlettered millionaire. "He can't work ior me for no six months sojourn in Paris." >- Doctor: -Get to bed at once, you're in a high fever; burning thirst, I sup- ?? S V ,<^ atient: " yes > drqadful?' Doctor: Oh, I'll send you something to relieve that." Patient: "Never mind about that, doctor. You cure the fever : 111 manage the thirst myself!" Th& following advertisement recently appeared in one of our colonial newspapers :— James Saveall begs to notity that he has started business on his own as an up to-date restaurant, and hopes that his many friends will jolly well stop away and give him a chance ' Alter meeting Tennyson for the first time an Englishman asked tho poet's friend, Jonas Spedding, if his temperament was as melancholy as his countenance indicated. "Well," Spedding began, thoughtfully, "I fancy when he is alone Tennyson finds himself in very grave company." Dolly: "There's no end to the impudence of some men. One of those political agents called on me this afternoon, and asked me if I would persuade my husband to vote for women's ; suffrage." Polly: "And what, did you say?" Dolly : "Say, my dear ? I told him pretty quickly that I thought women have to suffer quite enough as it is, and I shut the door in his face." The Bachelor.— -I wonder why a woman always lowers her voice when she has occasion to ask a favour? The Benedict.— Oh, it gives her an opportunity to raise it higher in case the favour isn't granted. "Why are you opposed to the Chinese?" asked a visitor to San Francisco^ "Because they have no patriotism," -was the response. "Ever hear a 'Chinaman striking?" ' For three weeks he had borne all the horrors of spring-oleauiiig without a murmur. Then his patience gave way. "And you," sobbed his wife, "used to tell me I was your queen " "Yes," he said, with a wild glare in his oyes, "but when a man finds his queen has used his tobac-co-jar for pale oak-varnish, and his meerschaum pipe for a tack hammer, he begins to grasp (he advantages of a republic." Knicker — Retrenchment is hard oij the poor. Bocker — Yes ; when you have to give up your auto those who Buffer are the chauffeur's friends. First Musician — I wonder why Xero fiddled, when Rome was burning and nobody had time to listpn to him? Second Ditto — I gue.-s he thought it was the best time to take when tho critics had their layid* ou EomgthiQg ebe.