ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXV, Issue 27, 1 February 1908, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

WHY DON'T TOU ANSWER THE BOY. What keeps the etars from falling? What makes thf3 earth go round? How can flip* v.alk on the ceiling ' Ju&t like thoy do on the ground? Why don't it snow in summer? Don'c the fishes ever get drowned— Did you ever see any fairies? Who lost 'the knife that I found? How many weeks till vacation? It ought to be hero pretty soon. How ' many fives in a hundred? How far away is the moon? Where do the bees get honey? Who finds balloons that are lost? What makes people bald-headed? How much do elephants cost? What makes you tired this evening? There's a. gray hair in your head 1 Wonder what makes me co sleepy? Good-night; I'm going to bed. —Judy. THE STRENUOUS PRESIDENT. A characteristic story is told of President Roosevelt. In the holiday from which he has lust returned he rode with some friends to a neighbouring farm to watch the men at work hay making, and while he was chatting with the farmer .one- of the labourers remarked to another: "Guess he's all right for a President, but he'd Fhow up pretty poor at a job like ours!" This remark was overhead, and promptly reported to Mr. Roosevelt, who thereupon af-kod the farmer's permission, to try his hand at hay making. This, of course, was granted, and the President set to wor.k. Under a_ broiling sun he pegged away, carrying bigger loads than any one els©, and setting a pace which the labourers found it almost impossible- to keep up with. An hour later a mefsenger arrived, Fummoning Mr. Roosevelt to important business of State, but he was now so muoh deliphted with hi 6 new work that he refused to leave it till the time arrived for tho men to stop for supper. Then, when that strenuous afternoon had at last come to an end. the man whose remark had brought the President to their assistance said to a friend : "Gee! This is something for us to brag about ! But I wouldn't go through another day at this pace if I got the contents of the United. States Treasury!" HIS LAND SPECULATION. , "It looks as if these trusts," said Mr. Sinclair, "will have to obey the law, or eho their owners will find themselves as badly sold as the rich Bostonian who bought an estate in Scotland: called Glen Accra. "The Bostonian bought this estate without having seen it. He believed that he could trust the man he bought it from. And last summer ho went over to have a look at the- place. "The drive from the nearest ralway station to Glen Accra was a-matter of twelve miles. The Bostonian hired a Highlander to drive him. "A& the cart jogged along, the 806--tonian said : " 'I suppose you know, the country hereabouts pretty ■well, friend?' " 'Aye, ilka foot o' 't,' the Scot answered. " 'And do you know Glen. Accra!' " 'Aye, weel,' was tho reply. " 'What sort of a place is it?' the American asked. "The Scot smiled grimly. " 'Aweel,' he said, 'if ye saw the dee-il tethered on it, ye'd juist say, "Puir brute!" " "CLARKSON ! CLAKKSqN !" A strange thing happened one night on tho fctage of Tub Adelphi Theatre, when Madame Sara Bernhardt was favouring London by her artistic presence. In a certain part of L'Etrangere Sara Bernhardt was suddenly heard to cry, "Clarkson ! Clarkson ! Clarkson !' ' An assistant of the well-known theatrical wig maker of that name, who was in attendance upon the company that night, rushed off to his master's shop in War-dour-Etrcet, and oxcitedlv informed Mr. Clarkeon that Jtfadame ' Bernhardt" was ramping and raging about the stage ca'l- j ing for him likq a mad woman, and that it was all happening with the audienoa looking on Mr. Clarkson took a cab dow.n to the theatre, and breathlessly inquired of madame, whom he found calmly looking on at the play from the wings, tho reason for her urgent need of his services. But she had not been calling him to her knowledge, and her wig was in perfect order. The wig-maker, greatly mystified, withdrew, and was making his way to tho stago door -when he met the manager, who asked him why he was looking ,so worried. M:. Clarkson told how Madame Bern- j hardt had been wildly shrieking for. him to go to her, and how, when he had gone, she declared 6ho had not even boen thinking of him. The manager laughed. "Why," he said, "madame does that every night in L'Etrangexe! Clarkson is the name of her husband in the play, and -r — " Then the wig-maker realised things, and went back to Wardour-street for some conversation with his assistant. Woman v. Man. (Monday). He (of the iron will) — No, my dear* Not to be considered for a moment. (Tuesday). He— Most certainly we will not. It is ridiculous, preposterous. (Wednesday). He — Why you must be crazy. It's the most unreasonable thing I ever heard of. It would bankrupt U6, I tell you. It is not to bo thought of. (Thursday). He— Haven't I told you wo cannot afford it ! What is tho use- of talking about a thing that is already settled. Of course I woula like to please you," but it is simply out of tho question. (Friday). He— How muoh did you 6ay that thing would cost? (Saturday). He— Well, go ahead, then. —Life (New York). FORSAKEN. Palid and trembling, the grief-strioken wife met her husba-nd at the door "She is gonel" came the wail from her set lips. Tho man's face blanched, and ha reeled as if from a heavy blow. Half dazed, he 6*nk into a chair. "Gone!" he echoed vaguely. "Gono, 1 * repeated his wife, with a brave effort at self-control. "Ob, what shall I do without her. I had learned to lean upon, her so, she was so much to me, and now " Her courage forsook her quite, and she burst into tears. Her husband drew her 'to him. "Don't weep, dear heart," he said tenderly. "Tell mo about it. I had feared that it might happen, but the blow has fallen so suddenly." The wife raised her head and her eyes flashed fire. "How did it happen?" she reiterated in a changed voice. "Why, that cat of a Mrs. Jenkins offered her 22s a month, and no washing or ironing. So, of course, Bridget, jumped at it, and left us without notice!" THE EXPERIENCED WIFE. "This, ' said the village minister, as he entered his wife's sitting-room with an open letter in his hand, "is a call to Grassville, Kansas. I understand it is a very nice place." "What salary do they offer?" queried his practical botter-half. "Ono thousand dollars a year, free rent, and two donation parties — one in tho spring and obo in the fall," replied the good man. "What do you think of it, my dear?" "I think," answered his wife, "thafc you had better write and ask if they would bo willing to make the salary eight hundred dollars a year and cut out the donation parties." They told tho youngster to soak his foct in a tub of salt if ho wanted to toughen them. lie soaked his bands, too. "It's pretty near time far mo to get a licking," bo explained. "To-morr-ow I'm going to eit in it."