ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXV, Issue 09, 11 January 1908, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

«»■ MY LOVE STORY. A lady of sagacity and beautiful audacity once had tho pertinacity to ask me, at her door : "If I can find a minister who is not bold or sinister — why should I ptay a spinster—and you a bacheldore?'* It was no time for puttering or stammering or Etuttering, and ko 1 hastened, uttering as fast as I could speak : "Had I a home colonial, with furnishings baronial, I iright feel matrimonial — but NOT on six a week. She laughed and said quite cynical : "Well, you're the very pinnacle of everything that's finioal" — but I Eaid nothing more. And thus we found no minister, and T moved off to Finißterrc, and she is still a spinster, and I'm' a bacheldore. Richmond Times-Despatch. THE TEST OF PRICE. Tho price tag fools (.ho host of us,Cigars that for a nickel go Wo pass with scorn but smoke with joy If they are in tho tencent row. A straw hat marked at fifty cents Would hardly seem to bo a fit ; Tho somo one priced three ninety-eight We eeo and make a dive for it. We eeo a picture on the wall That to our eye appears to ba > A ten-cent ehromo, or perhaps A work of art that came with tea, But when the owner comes and says He paid a thousand for that bit And thinks he got it cheap at that, Then we sit up and notice it. We pee a rooster strutting round With pride that seems almost absurd. He has somo feathers and a tail And seems like any other bird; Ed looks to be a common Ecrub Until we get his pedigree And find he captures every prize, Aud then his beauty we can gee. That is the way with everything, From marbles to a cake of ice, Wo may bo experts in tho lino, But still we judge it by the prico. Wore it a diamond in the rough And worth a fortune any time, We wouldn't give it storage room If it were listed at a dime. Nashville American. unco"nvTnced. Aii aged Jersey farmer, visiting a circus for the first time, stood before the dromedary's cage, eyes popping and mouth agape at the strange beast within. The circus* proper began and tho crowds left for the main show, but still the old man stood before the cage in stunned silonce, appraising every detail of the misshapen legs, the cloven hoofs ; the pendulous upper lip, and tho curiously mounded back of the sleepy-eyed beast, i Fifteen minutes passed. Then the farmer turned away disgustedly. "It won't do," he said, "There ain't no such animal." COOLNESS. A man and his wife were once staying at a hotel, when, in tho night they were aroused from their slumbers by the cry that the hotel was afire. "Now, my dear," said the husband, ] "I will put into practice what I have preached. Put on all your indispensable apparel and keep cool." The,n ho slipped his watch into his vest pocket and walked with his wife out of the hotel. ' When, all dangor was past he said : "Now you see how necessary it is to keep cool." Tha wife for the first time glanced at her husband: "Yes, William," she said, "it is a grand thing, but if I were you I would have put on my trousers." THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL. The pretty nurse had taken the best care of the steel millionaire. "I want you to marry me," said he, simply. "But, Mr. Giltredge, this is rather sudden." "I know, child, I know. But you'll have plenty of time to get used to the idea, I'll have a fimce job getting rid of my wife." — Philadelphia Bulletin. THE LOCKOUT. Wife (from tho window at 1 a.m. to hor husband) : What's your excuse for coming home at this hour? Husband : Let me in, M'ria. Just come from the meeting of tha labour union. Been considering what we'd do about the recent strike. Wife : Well, you just sit down on the doorstep and consider what you'll do about the recent lockout. And she slammed down the window. BABBIE'S LITTLE MISTAKE. Miss Grace Lane, an English actress, who achieved her first success as Babbie in "The Little Minister," tells of her intioduction to the author. One night at a Stoke Newington theatre lhe manager told her that Mr. B was coining round to see her at the end of the act. She did not catch the name, and thought that a representative of the local paper was seeking a chat with her. "Very well," she answered, and gave the matter no more thought. At Iho end of the act she found the manager and a small delicate-looking man awaiting her ;and without stopping for an introduction, Miss Lane started talking nineteen to the dozen, that she mijjht get the interview over and take a little rest in her dressing-room before the next act. "I hope you are enjoying the play," she said, when she had fin-_ ished giving tho astonished young man" a long account of her private history and her early professional careor. "Oh, yes," he answered. "Don't you think it is a pretty play?" sho asked. "Quite a pretty play," was the reply. "Did you see it at the Haymarket?" "Oh, yes, I saw quite a lot of it. You see, I wrote it," said Mr. James Barrie. GENUINE APPRECIATION. The family was gathered in the library admiring a splendid thunderstorm when the mother bethought herself of Dorothy alone in the nursery. Fearing lest her little daughter should be awakened and feel afraid, she slipped away to reassure her. Pausing at the door, however, when a vivid flash of lightning which illumined the whole room, she saw' her youngest olive-branch sitting straight up in bed. Hei big brown eyes were glowing with excitement, and she clasped her chubby hands, while &he shouted encouragingly, "Bang it again. God ! Bang it again!" "Your collection of water-colours is very nice," said Mrs. Swellman, "but have you no oil-paintings?" "No, indeed," replied Mrs. Nurich ; "I don't consider them safe." "Not safe?" "No, in case of fire, 'you know." Pierpont Morgan once did a poor man a good turn by buying his share in a lottery. The share won the prize, and Mr. Morgan was so delighted that he told tho man he would give him ten thousand dollars a year for life. Instead of showing gratitude the man said he' would prefer twenty thousand down. "But, why?" asked tho astonished millionaire. "Because," was tho reply, "with yer darned luck, Mr. Morgau, I should be dead in six months !" A player for many years 1 associated with the lato Richard Mansfield relates that ono day in Philadelphia;, as he was standing by a huge poster in front of the theatre, a poster that represented Mansfield in the character of "Henry V.," a man who vas strolling by stopped to gaze at the bill Finally, with a snort of disgust, he muttered as he turned to go : " 'Hsni'y V.— 1 avhat?"