ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXV, Issue 3, 4 January 1908, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

THE OBLIGING WIFE. We didn't go away ibis year; " In fact, we couldn't roam; Wo had so many things to do That kopt us right, at homo. Wo took caro of a parrot For a neighbour friend of ours; We had to mow our neighbours' lawns, And spankle neighbour's flowers. Wecared for a canary; We fod a neighbour's cat; We watched a neighbour's chickens; Took a dog into our flat. With dog and cat and parrot, Canary, chickens, too, Wo couldn't go away from horno — We had to mind tho zoo. I have a most obliging wife, My neighbours of ton say ; I Wonder who will mind thrir pets If we should go away Detroit Freo Press. THE FIRST LESSON. I slipped my ring upon my lady's finger, And she lifted up hor lips for met to kiss. All time, I thought, would not be long to linger With such a witch. Quito confident ' of bliss, I offered lavish vows of Love's endurance— For I had doubted winning one so fair. But from her hand my gem flashod reassurance. I had been wildly glad To put it there. My dainty minx was not content to settle. A dozen eager swains were in my wav, Tho lively chase first put mo on my mottle — Then staled a bit. I tired of the play." sive. I found blue eyes an antidote for black. Sweethearts wero plentiful— my gem pensivo-r-And I w,as mildly glad To get \\, back. Tho Reader.— Ruth Huntoon. EASILY RECTIFIED. The little man's cheeks wero flushed with indignation as ho bounced into the shop and pushed a bill into tho astonished tailor's hand. "I won't pay that account, sir," he shouted. "It's nothing short of iniciui-, tpus that you should chargo . a little, fellow ' like mo four guineas for a suit of clothes, while my oldest boy, who is over six feet high, is charged exactly tho same price. As a protest against such dishonesty, I decline to pay you until you havo adjusted tho matter moro fairly.' "Very well, sir," said the tailor politely. "I will sco what I can do to set matters right." •Pacified by this promise, the littlo man loft the shop, but was reduced to speechless despair whon, a few days later, he received the following communication from his tailor.— "Dear Sir,— Tho injustice you were good enough to mention has now been put right. lam charging your son fivo g-uineas instead of four!" WHAT THE FLY WAS DOIiCG. There is a certain stately spinster of Richmond who has lived alone for many years in a handsome mansion that is one of the city sights. No childish fingers have ever marred tho brilliance of • her mir.rors and; played havoc with the fine ' bronzes and .vases in the daintily cared for dining-room. On one occasion tho ' spinster had as guest a niece, aged seven, in whose home, where many children romped from morning till night, tho eamo exqiiisite/perfec. "on of housekeeping wat,. of course, impossible. When the little girl returned liome she hastened to telf her mother of the wonders of the' house wherein 6he was a guest, incidentally enlarging upon the delights of, the "tea-parties" there.' ■ Mamma," said she, in an awed tone, I saw a fly in Aunt . Sarah's hjQUBo. But, she added, thoughtfully, ' "it, was waEiuug itself." "A SICK SPELL." Harper's Weekly has an anecdote which will doubtless be noted.< by advocates of spoiling reform. A physician of Chicago; with a large practice among the poor received a communication from the mother of a child, asking that he come at once to the youngster, who, it was explained, had "a very bad cold." After we had attended the needs of the °. i Patients, the doctor made his way to the lodginprs of tho woman who had sent the note. To his astonishment he found the child suffering from a complaint having no rosetnblanee to a, cold. • "Can't, you see," he impatiently demanded of the mother, "that your child is down with tho measles? What on earth did you mean by writing he had "a bad cold?" After a moment's hesitation, the woman reluctantly explained: "To tell you i tho truth, doc-tor, I didn't know to spell fmoasles.,' " j "Spenders must be awfully .extravagant. He told me he had a suit that cost 1000 dollars." "Yes. Thafc was his breach_ of promise suit." "What is frenzied finance?" "Frenzied finance,'' replied the Wall-street man, "is a condition of affairs in which small_ investors lose their heads, while we remain perfectly self-possessed and take the money." Bill the Brute — Thirteen's my unlucky number. Pete the Dip— Wot makeso yer t'ink so ? Bill — Whenever I sees twelve men i^ do box and one on de bench, I \ know I'm goin' ter take a trip over de road. I Summer Girl— For goodness' sake, what has happened to Margie's bathing suit? She looks like a fright! The Other Summer Girl — Doesn't she? The careless thing got it all wet yesterday. "Does your wife assist you in your work?" queried the horse reporter. "I see her at your desk often. 1 ' "Yes " replied the self-confessed humorist. "She destroys all my wife and jnother-in-law jokes." ' Reggy Sapp— Yeas, the young -lady from Boston said I reminded her of a beautiful flower. Weally, don't you think I resemble a pansy? Miss Tabasco — Yes ; a chimpanzee. German Theatre Ofnoial (to student)— You are uot allowed to join in the i chorus, gentlemen. Students— Don't you worry. We are singing something quite different. - "What can I do for you, little girl?" "Why, I've got a half-penny to spend for sweets, but I don't know what's the best kind to get. Couldn't I try some samples first?" Teacher (to examiner) — You notice that boy who attends at the foot of the class? Well, last summer he was the smartest boy in the school. Examiner — He, is now. I notice the foot of the class is nearest the fire. i Father — I wist you'd invite that young man of yours up_ here to-morrow nipht. Daughter (surprised at the request)— Why, father, I thought y said you had no use for him? Fathe.— So I did, last summer. But to-morrow I'm going to put up the stove. The advertisement said: "How to win the girl you love. Full and explicit directions sent in sealed, plain envelope on receipt of one dollar." The young man, who loved a girl madly and hopelessly, sent on a dollar, and tho answer came to him by return mail. It read: "How to win the girl you love. Get a million dollars and let her look at it." During a certain battle the colonel of an Irish regiment noticed that one of the men was extremely devoted to him, and followed him everywhere. At length he remarked, "Well, my man, you have stuck by mo well to-day." "Yes, sorr," replied Pat. "Shuro it was me mother said to me, says she, 'Just you stick to the colonel, Patrick, me bhoy, and you'll bo all right. Them colonels, never gets hurled." Wilfrid Laurier was onco on an electioneering tour in Ontario, and, as tho elections wnrc bitterly contested, every rfforl was made to stir up race and religious prejudice. One day a Quebec Liberal sent this telegram to Sir Wilfrid : "Report m circulation that your children have not been baptised Telegraph denial " To this the Premier replied: "Sorry to «iy_ raDOli i| Cgrr§fcU U^« ftp Wl'dlMX. -