MR. DOOLEY ON OCEAN TRAVEL

Evening Post, Volume LXXIV, Issue 138, 7 December 1907, Page 13

MR. DOOLEY ON OCEAN TRAVEL

"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I seethis here new steamboat has broke all records. It come acrost th', AtlanticOcean in four days. Passengers that got aboord at Liverpool on . Saturday were in NeAV York Friday afthernoon." "But that's more thin, four days," said Mr.' Bennessy.' "Not be nautical time," said Mr. Dooley. "Yc''musn't figure it out th' way ye 'do on land. On land ye niver read that-'Th' Thunderbolt limited has broken all records be , thravellm' fr'm NeAv York- (Harrisburg) to Chicago (Fort Wayne) in eight ( hours.' But with a' steamboat 'tis different. Ye saAV a lot iv time off ayetKer end an' Avhat's left,is th' v'yage. , Manny a man that come over on a frve-day boat has had th' divA'le iv a >time explainin' to his'Avife ,Avhat he did Avith th 1 other tAvo days. • Xo record in transatlantic thravel takes into account th 1 longest, roughest,' an' most, dangerous. part 'iv th' passage, Avljich is through" th' Ncav York customhouse. ."But 'tis. Avohdherful nnnylynv.' 'Tis wondherful "that a man slmd cross th' Atlantic Ocean annyhow, an' 'tis enough to make ye dizzy to think -iv-him crossm' it in 'an^ iron' boat that looks -liko a row iv office buildings. .'J,h' grand times "they must • 'ye had ! AH th'- time, they -were on, th-, bounding . billows th' 'wireless tillygraf t kept thin?, in touch, .with hpn^o. Th' day Avas Avhin a man.gqt on. a boat an'- was lost" f'r a Aveek or ten day 6. Now, be- hivens, through th'- Avondhers rv r modhenT science ' he's' hardly settled dpAvn to, 'a" cigar an; a.' game 'iv pinochle with" another fugitive, that he^s just mo,t, Avhin a messenger, boy , comes doAvn th' deck ,on. his bicycle an' hands him a tillygram .with glad ti.dings .fr'm .-home. Tn 1 - house is burned,- th', sheriff has levied on> his furniture,- or th' fam'ly are doAvn Avith'th''Adioopin'' cough.' On' th' other | hand we 'know all about AvKat they 'are j doih\ on borird th' leA'ithTn. ' Just . as ye'er Avife is thinkin' iv ye bein' 'wrecked, on a. desert island or floatin' on 'a raft an' signallm' Avith a. red; flannel nndhershirt she picks up' th 1 pa-aper an' reads : 'Th' life iv th 1 ship is iVLalachi Hinnisy, a Avealthy -bachelor fr'm Pittsburg. His .attintions ,to a pretty widow from Omaha' are most marked. They make a, handsome couple." ''It ain'fe a boat' at all— it's a city. Afc Jaste T thought it, was, but Hannigan, that came OA'er .in .it, says it's a boat. A boat's a. troat even whin it looks like 3. hotel. But it's Avondherful annyhow. Whin -ye come to think iv it 'tis wdndherful that army man cud cross th' Atlantic in annythirig. Th' Atlantic Ocean is a fine body ov wather, but it's a body iv wather just th. same. It Avasn't intinded to be thravelled on. Ye cud put ye'er • foot through it armyAvhere. It's sloppy goin" at best. Th' on'y time a human being can float in it is afther he's dead. A man throws a horseshoe into it an' th' horseshoe sinks. This makes him cross, an' he builds a boat iv th 1 same matceryal as c millyon horseshoes, loads it up Avith machinery, pushes it out on th' billows, an' goes larkin' acrost Ihim •as happy as ye plazc. If he didn't go over on a large steel skycraper he'd take a dure off its hinges an' go on that. A3J ye have to do is to tclj him there's land on th' other side iv th' rogin' flood an' hall say : 'All right, I'll take a look at it.' Ye talk about th' 1 majesty iv 1 th' ocean, but Avhat about tl? majesty iv this here little sixty-eight by eighteen inches bump iv self-reliance thatihreats it' like th' dirt undher his feet? It's a wondher to mo that th' ocean don't get tired iv growlin' an' roarin.' at th' race iv man. They don't pay army heed to its . hollering. Whin it behaves itsilf they praise it as though it' Avas a good dog. "Hoav lovely th' ocean looks undbcr' our moonj' Whin it rises in its Acratlvihey show their contimpt f'r it be bein' seasick into it. But no mathor haw it behaves they niver quit usin* its face f'r a right iv vray. They'll niver subjoo it but if niver bates thim. There niver av»s a time in th 1 history iv little man's struggle Avith th' vasty deep that he didn't deserve a decision on points." "Well, it's all very well, but f'r me th' dhry land," said Mr. Hennessy. "Will ye iver' cross th' ocean again*?" "Xot," said. Mr. Dooley, "till they asphalt it an' run th' boats on throileys."