LIFE'S FITFUL FEVER.

Evening Post, Volume LXXIV, Issue 138, 7 December 1907, Page 11

LIFE'S FITFUL FEVER.

ODD SYMPTOMS. (By Dr. F. EL Charitj.) Poor Mr. Goold, o£ Monto Carlo ! The judges are making him go over the wholo story of the famous murder again. Ho is very tired of it all. Therefore, "in reply to the judge," declares the cable, "he described the details of the crime with an inhuman air of boredom." He yawnod copiously when he was told that" he would have to give a narrative about an event, which was weeks old. Mr. Goold belonged to a class whose o;ie object in life is to escape boredom, and »iow the poor man is thrust into the thick of the thing from which he has been fleeing. Perhaps less distinguished and Jess cultured men of that type will' ape his tired ways. Perhaps Bruiser' Bill, indicted for kicking his wife to ; death, will drawl — "Gemmun I gave her a few with mo boot all right, but lorlumme, don't, make a song about it. Don't ask me to talk about it again. I said it once to the cop. Ain't that enough ? You blokes mako me tirccler and tireder. Do yer want to mako me write a book about it? I've said me piece once; I don't want no enccrin'." The ( Hinsrnoa's scientists had very hard luck at the Auckland Islands". They just missed discovering "the missing link." When they found that the castaways had mado articles for themselves out of tho only materials they could mid, such as bone and stone and branches, tho savants said to one another-: "These men have reverted to ancestors of the stone age. The old skill of the cavedwoller has come instinctively to them. They "are not representatives of* the twentieth century A.D.. but the fcwentiety century before Adam." It is a pity that nut trees were not growing on the islands. If the sailors had only boon seen perched. on the branches eating nuts, New Zealand would have had the honour of discovering the link for which scientists have been so long searching. The Government should plant nut trees on ths Islands, and arrange 'for another wreck. Then the Hinemoa could make another excursion, and if tho survivors were caught up the trees, this country would get a- better advertisement than* surpluses, frozen meat or footballers could ever givo it. A pagan interviewed one of the Dundpnald mqn. -The mariner gave a sad picture of a lonely grave on Disappointmont Island, andsaid that the men had carved words apon a memorial cross. The "recipient" of the story did not repeat the words, but in pathetic tone he informed the world that the cross was "suitably inscribed." By "suitably" ha may have. meant that ths inscription was couched in such terms as would not shock the penguins and molly-mawks. Tf St. Paul had been interviewed after ho had seen heaven, he might have been inado to say that the golden portals were "ctiitably inscribed." . Foolish students ! They believed in the old tradition that a little mouse was sufficient to put the biggest woman to flight. They fancied that Miss Pankhurst, Queen of Suffragettes, the woman who had fought with policemen and politicians, would be dismayed by a tiny rodent. "They liberated tame mice on the platform," says a despatch, "but she caught and fondled them." Brave Miss Pankhurst. She has assured succ?ss for the suffragettes. What man would now dare refnse woman the right to vote when 'she has upset the old superstition *fha£ she is afraid of a mouse? In, the same. issue' o,f the paper thai; chronicled Sliss'Pahkhurst's vajou'r was a message about a Polish woman who slaughtered bloodthirsty robbers ■with an axe. With women proving that tho mouse has no .terrors 'for them, and that one woman, can reduce two men to Eerpstual silence, Britain had better eware. If the men desire to keep their skulls intact they should lose no time in granting women, as many votes as she chooses to nominate. A boy was drowned in the Hutt River the other day, and tjie jury, anxious to do something for the 3s fee, added tha inevitable rider — "urging the necessity of ' precautions being taken /for tho safety of children while bathing." This is only a sample 'of the ' "riders" born •in the brains of good men and true. There arc others. Here are some that one may expect. A man was choked to death by a fish bone The jury's rider was that it was a scandalous shame for the government to allow Osh, with bones, to roam' in New Zealand waters. A man died from heart disease. Tho jury considered that the government should appoint an Inspector of Hearts, who would make periodical rounds, and report to the Chief Health Officer. Anyhow, it was time that some substitute was found for the heart, which was out of dc'ito. A man had his skull fatally fractured by a fall • from a horse. After a long deliberation the jury agreed that the horso was an anachronism, and should be abolished at once. A mar was chopped to pieces by a. circular saw. The jury unanimously received that all circular saws should be 6quare, and should N be fenced off. When MaTk Twain dies he will not be missed. The coroner's jury will keep the pot of humour boiling. It is lovely to be just a little member of the gTeat British public, and watch, the big commercial men playing for\vast stakes. The Wellington ratepayers and taxpayers have had a, good deal of entertainment lately. First of all came that innocent little clause in tho "wash-up Bill" " enabling private corporations to rip tip public streets without consulting the owners. Who were'the men behind? It does not require a long telescope to sight the principal stars in that gaseous firmament. Then arrived the "patent slip," for which a couple of prominent inventors secured tho rights. A great public utility was at stake, but the public was merely an audience, staring openmouthed at the actors, the clever actors. Some day the people will cease to gape at the persons who pni) rings through, their noses, and will think. Then The other day a "small syndicate" was formed to oust the Government of Brazil by force of arms, and now France is suspected by "certain semi-official Gcrmnn newspapers" of provoking the Moors to fight in order to extend her sphere of action. It all harKs back' to a suggestion once made in this column that a. Warpromoting Company, Limited, was the next field for the capitalist to conquer. Against this comes a- scheme actually mooted — that all European countries should federate into one Empire, and thus reduce the present mighty cost ..of armaments. Why stop at Europe? "Let 'em all come." Federate the world, and establish a modus vivendi with Mars. Man, after all, is only man whether he is British ot Hottentot. A Mutual Understanding Company, Unlimited, is "■wTiat the world needs.

A country doctor, whoso most troublesome patient was an elderly woman, practically on the free list, was vigorously scolded by her one day for not coming when summoned the night before. "You can go to see your other patients at night," she said, "why can't you come when I send for you? Ain't my money as good as other people's?" "I do not know,, madam," was the reply, ."I never t law. any. of it."