LIFE'S FITFUL FEVER.

Evening Post, Volume LXXIV, Issue 78, 28 September 1907, Page 11

LIFE'S FITFUL FEVER.

■* ODD SYMPTOMS. <By Dr. F. H. Chanty.) " Japan has como to regard war as ft profitable enterprise," remarked Mr. W. P. Hearst, during the week. One mi the millionaire's journals will soon {je publishing the prospectus of the Far Eastern War Syndicate. "We have a nice selection of wars," runs an advance sheet of the articles of association. " There is old China, for instance. We are confident that we can wing her with a moderate expenditure of ppwder \ndT- gun-cotton, -and pay a handsome dividend of over a hundred per cent. Investors have absolutely no risk. They can sit at home, toasting their toes oVer the fire and reading the paper. They simply, send along the cash, and we'll do all the warring. Australia, too, is a beautiful field, and so is New Zealand. We think that these are the best snaps we can offer. We anticipate, that as soon as we open" the share-list for campaigns against those coiuitries tho re quisite capital will be over- subscribed a thousandfold. Old Britain is in the way a trifle, but we have a. scheme for keeping her ironclads off the course. Yes, we can assure you that for every pound you put into a war against Australasia you'll get back ten. It's simpij picking up money. Most of the people there don't know a rifle from a pick-handle. Book your orders early to avoid disappointment." " Tho United Statss Commissariat Department has contracted with me Helidon' Spa Company to supply 240,000 bottles of spa water for the troops in the Philippines," states a cable message. How is it that Uncle Sam took so long to think of this deadly element of warfare? He has tried the bomb am l th'e bayonet, bat the Filipino remains vnsubdued But his days are j numbered "^ow. ' He has braved gunpowder, but spa -water wil' damp his revolutionary ardour. He will wish he had never been born when the bottles begin to break around him.^ Probably, how'evi-:. when ha -h-sus about those 240500 bombs of spa-wcter he will fiee to a. fa* country, and leave the Americana >in undisputed' possession of the islands. It is a pity that New Zealand did ' nit get an opportunity to tender for'v ,tbi supply of t'>is smmt.ritio-i. Spa-vAiter that would kill at an infinite distance /is running to waste here in millions "of gallons The Government should be alert in time and get a store of bottles handy. Most of the present people would be worse than useless with a rule if Japanese or Chinese descended upon these shores, but nearly everybody could throw a bottlel It is not necessary to actually hit the enemy with a. bottle. . It has simply to hurst near him, and the spa-water will do the rest. General Booth has a scheme for asking the millionaires to establish brokenheart factories. The millionaires already have these, establishments, but they are hot the kind that the General means. He is anxious to have colleges to "teach humanity how to deal with broken hearts." It is logical, of course, to ask the breakers of the hearts to assist in the mending of them, but it would bo much more sensible to devise a scheme by which the adherents of 'the grab-all creed (" Trust " your neighbour, but" don't let your neighbour "trust" yotx) would be prevented from doing -the heartbreaking in the' first place. A vase that is patched Yrpaf^er a shattering is, not quite 'so ' good as it ■was before the compound fracturing. If the General manages to drag iunds put pf the millionaires, luckless lovers ■ may ' see 'a^ bright day dawning for them. There will be some such syllabus as this :—": — " Nice, bright lectures for the brokenhearted, by Professor Smiles. Easy cures for the weary and heavy-burdened. Half-broken hearts ■will pc made whole again in five talks, and completely fractured organs will bb renovated by a dozen discourses. The C'"' sd, the unhappily married, every - y with any old kind of a pain in the heart, should come to Professo Smiles, and all his aches will be speedily talked away." " Cannibalism," says Archbishop Donaldson, " has practically ceased in j New' Guinea, the natives being ashamed to practice it. He does not think the j country suitable for white settlement." Apparently the natives find grilled missionary as toothsome as ever, and are cutting the dish out of their bill of fare only because they are afraid that this item is no longer fashionable in the best of savage society. Even cannibals have their table manners, it seems. However, any day they may .ecover from their fit of mock modesty, and "in view of that danger Europeans ■who want their Scan for themselves, are advised to remember his Grace's words — " The country is not suitable for white settlement." Sir Joseph soliloquises at midnight on Thursday :—: — The lights are out. The city* dark at last. The lion eleepeth in. his Ncwtcwu cage. The voices of the .revellers are st 11. The jocund drunk has sung his homeward wjy. And my cigar's the only thing alive. Blazo on, thou fragrant weed, the while I muse upon the glamour of this Day, Dominion Day. Haw sweet the sound ' Just think I Tie "Dom." How lovely that l I think in all The world there is no choicer word. Just see. It hM the roll cf doom and all. the pomp, And power, and gl-iry of t're evermore, A*nd yet it is not sad, nor does it now Bu£g«t thuß grosser word in common use. And "Mm"! 1 dote upin that in;n. Bparfc up, c'jrar, anfl glow again for "mm." It ha* the charm of feminine But is not weak. '■ it i« a soothing syrup. But "yun" ! What oh I and "my colonial." We-'ve here Ihe grand- finale to a talc Of •nlendour, mye'.ic, wonderful. Cgar, Explode, blaze up, run, leap, holt. (The,c'g»r gbes over the parapet, trailing in ji cloud of glory). There is another danger, for the people who live in the net of electric cables, trolly wires, telephone wires, railway and tranrwajjr lines. While a councilloi was addressing 2000 people in a street at Ballarat during the week, an overhead electric wire broke, and there was a wild stampede. " Councillor Penhalluriack's leg was broken." The wire was probably fused by the warmth f the open-air orator's remarks. Speakers in the street usually do not snare 1 the coal. The colder the night, the more they fire up. There are times when the preachers, whose pulpit is a soap box, •tand perilously near overhead wire 3 in Wellington. These gentlemen should be obliged to have near their mouths a thermometei, which would automatically blush a deep red when the sultry talk reached the danger point, and so give the populace the chance to get out of harm s way. 1 A correspondent, " Pursuivant," is distressed because New Zealand has no coat of arms. When we were a colony we could shiver along without one, but now that wo are a Dominion ■we should "do a perish " ignobly no more. Let us have a coat by all means, a coat of many colours, Joseph's coat, for it was Joseph who added the two letters which converted 1907 Anno Domini into 1907 Anno Dominion. — — — ' i

Dad (severely) : And, look here, Ethel, j/ou mustn't encourage that young mnv to stay so late every night. It's disgraceful ! What docs your mother say about it? Ethel : She says men haven't altered a bit. dad.