Uncle Joe's Tract.

Evening Post, Volume LXXIV, Issue 78, 28 September 1907, Page 19

Uncle Joe's Tract.

"Nobby Clark,"' explained Private Smith of the Anchester Regiment, "has got an uncle who's fairly good. He keeps ft ham and beef shop in Levisham Highroad, and naturally, being a bit well off, can afford to be eccentric." '"lie's a very fine old chap," said Smithy, warmly. "If 'c gets a side of bacon that's gone off, or a tub of butter a bit high, do you think ha, throws it away? Not he. He gives it to the pore." Smithy glowed. "He sends Nobby lots of letters of advice and tracks, and sometimes he slipq in half a dollar in stamps. Nobby is nlways anxious to get his uncle's letters, but I've known him to have a slice of bad luck for six letters runnin'. "One mornin' the postman brought a fat letter in. "Private Clark,' he sez, and Nobby nipped along the barrackroom, but his face fell ■when he saw how fat the letter was. " 'It's a bit too heavy to be any good,' he sez very bitter, and'weighin' the letter in his hand ; 'if this is another Straight Talk to Enquirin' Sinners, Smithy, something will 'aye to be done.' He tore open tho letter very careful an' took out a printed paper. 'Track,' he sez bitterly, 'a track about drinkin' an' quarrellin'." "Then he took out another paper. " 'Track,' he sez bitterer than ever, 'a track about smokin'.' Then he took out another paper. ■"'Tra— ' he stopped, 'no it ain't— here Snijthv what's this?' Nobby was all of a tremble, an' so was I, for if it wasn't a fiver, a real white crinkly fiver, I've never seen ono. "Nobby was quite shook up, an' so was ''Smithy,' sez Nobby, his voice all broke, 'pick up them beautiful tracks that my dear Uncle Joe sent me.' " "I can't, Nobby,' I sez, 'you chucked 'em on the fire.' " 'Did i I — did I?' sez Nobby, horror struck, 'did, I throw away my -dear uncle's tracks — did I burn them 'lovely words-— oh, horrow!" ''Then one of the fellers chipped in. '"Spud .Murphy's got the one about drink ; 'c picked it out of the fireplace, Nobby,' he sez. ] "Xobby stood lookin' at the banknote, crinklin' it an' looking at the watermark. " 'Spud Murphy's got no right to my dear uncle's track— but he's welcome to it. I only 'ope,' Nobby went on very solemn, "that tho words in that there track will do him good.' ".There was a letter along with the other goods, and Nobby read it. " 'My dear nephew,' read Nobby. 'This comes hopin' to find yyouru — urn — vm — urn. I am glad to hear you go regularly to — vm — urn, but am sorry to hear you are ashamed to go to the meetings because you've got no money to put in the plate. .... Can quite understand it. . . I don't see why you should wait till I die before getting some of my money, so as » reward. ... I am s'endin' you ten pounds.' " 'What,' I sez, an' Nobby ' read it again. 'Ten pound,' he sez, an' pulled the banknote out of his pocket to examine it.' It was 'Five' right enough O3 plain as plain. 'I promise to pay,' etc. ' " 'Dear uncle's uiado a mistake.' sez Nobby, all trembly, 'or else the othejf five is comin' on.' He turned the envelope ipside out, but there was nothin' in it. " 'Go on 'with the letter, 1 ' T sez. „,"'... Ten poundsj' read NoWvfj slowly, ,'but certain persons bavin' said thab you don't read my little tracks ' Nobby stopped and went white. ." 'Go on,' I sez. ' , 4 , "Cejtain persons havin' said you don't read my tracks nor my letters either, J — , haye — put— the— other — five — pound ' "Nobby sort of collapsed on to the nearest bed cot "'Where?' I sez. " 'Between the last two pages of the track on drink an' quarrcliin',' he sez, in a holler voice. "I tell you," said Smithy, seriously, "it shook me an' Nobby up a bit, but bimeby Nobby pulls hisseff together and jumps up. 'Smithy,' he sez, 'that low feller Spud bas got my dear unc'.e's track wot he sent me — I want to read that track; it'll do me more good than Snud. Where is he?' "Then somebody said he'd seen Spurl going over to the canteen, ?o me an' Nobby run as hard as we could to find him. "Sure enough tliere he was, but our 'carte went down into our number nines when we saw him — he was aittin' by hisself drinking lemonade and looked very paH. " 'Cheer-o, Spud,' sea Nobby, in a chokin' voice. 'How goes it? What are you drinkin'?' "Spud sliook his head sorrerfujlv. "Tva given up the cursed drink' he sez, in a humble voice. " 'Since when ?' sez 'Nobby, very loud. 'Since when* you low hypocrite?' "Spud didn't take no offence. H> only aJ^Lfd. " "Since reading your dear Uncle Joe's track,' he sez. ''Spud,' bsz Nobby, droppm* his voice an' ehakin' Spud by the hand, 'Spud, you maka me fesl ashamed of raesclf. Perhaps I ought to g'ivo it up too; perhaps them beautiful words might be tha friakin' 6f me ; let's have a look at my uncla's track wot I lent you ' " 'Wot you chucked away,' sez Spud, very. gentle. ! ' 'wot' happened to slip out of my hand an' was picked up by a low thief who happened to be passin ,' sez Nobby, very ferocious, but managed to get hisielf under concrol again ; 'so, therefoi'3, dear Spud, let ms have a dekko at them lovely \v6rds>.' ".'I haven't quits finished with it yet,' sez Spud, sippin' his lemonade and smacking his lips. 'This is (he- stuff to drink, Nobby. If I'd read your uncle's track earlier I might have been pounds in. pocket.' 'I thought Nobby would have a fit. He got red ill tha face an' ha gnashed big teeth. " 'Spud,' ho sez after a bit, 'Spud, old feller, aro you goin' to se-e a comrade continue on what I might call the down grade without raisin' a hand to help him. And any way,' he went on, gettin' wilder and wilder, 'it's my bloomin' track ; it was sent to me by my de&r Uncle Joe an' if you don't 'and it over, I'll give you a wipe on tha jaw.' " "All the felkrs in the canteen began to gather round on the off chance of a fight. " 'Wot's up, Nobby?' sez Fatty Green, a very nic 3 young fellow with a curly head. " 'This perishing recruit's got a track of mine,' roars Nobby pullin 1 off his coit, 'a beautiful track about drinkin' an' quarrclUn' an' won't 'and it over, so I'm goin' to knock his 'end off.' " 'Giva the man his track,' sez Fatty, who wns an off-an'-on tentotaler, an' all the other fellers said the &umc. "Things looked a bit lough-housish when suddenly the bugle sounded orf for 'orderly men,' an 1 Nobby staggered back. / " 'That's me,' he soz, an' I felt borry for him. In a muiin:r uf speukin' 'ib was tore between love an' duty, as tho song siz. "'Smithy,' he whUpets to me, -T\e jjot to go ana d»a.u- ths groferiefe ; keop your eyo on this blighter, an' don't let him out of your sight/

"When Nobby had gone I sez to Spud : " 'Spud, me lad — I wont a few words with you. 1 "''Aye 'em here,' sez Spud, sippin' his lemonade, but I took his arm an* walked him down to the buck fteld, where there nobody about. '" 'Spud,' I sen kindly, ' 'and over Nobby 's uncle's track.' " 'For why?' ssz Spud, looking round for some one to take his part. " 'If you ain't enough of a gentleman to understand that when a feller gets a private track from nis undo he don't wont nobody else to read it, I can't explain,' I sez. 'Just then Nobby came runnin' back from ths' parade ground, 'avin' got another feller to draw tho groceries. " 'Come on,' he sez, an' so we gave Spud a number two ju-jitsu push. " 'You 'old his legs, Smithy,' 6ez Nobby, who >vas sittin' on Spud's 'cad ; 'now, you mouldy « 'ighway robber, whera's that track?'/ . '.' 'Lemmo get up,' gez. Spud, strugglin', but Nobby wsnt carofully through his pockets. " 'Here it is,' he yells,- an' pulls out the paper. Sure enough, snug between the last two leaves was. 1 the other fiver. " 'I'll report this,' ,838 Spud, when we let him up. " 'Do,' sez Nobby,^ very cheerful 'do.' " — The author of ""Smithy," in the Daily Mail.