ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXIV, Issue 78, 28 September 1907, Page 15

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

SUPERVISING INFANTS' HOMES. (For tho Post.) '"The Government would put an end to tha police supervision of these homes (Iniai;tb' Licensed), and 1 rangier it .to tho Education Department." — Extract from the Attorney-General's speech in the .Legislative Council. With a juvenile elation See- the clerks "Education" Shelving all their dusty records 'mid *n energetic stir I Henceforth an overpaid And superior nursemaid Is the role expertly played by a zealous officer. Lists of schools and figures cold, Dull reports are "• pigeonholed ; Ana teething rings and rattles and .the newest shape in "feeder" — . Though sceptics may deride — Will be duly notified To take the place of map and form and olemontary reader. Each cadet must learn to prattle, To "coo" 'and shake a rattle; He must cultivate the yirtuo of a nice dome&tio hou ; Scold his brood when necessary, Supervise their • dietary, And conduct them back to safety when they stray beyond his ken. It will be a grievous sin in The Clerk of Baby-linen To endanger by damp garments one small citizen-to-be t Ho must frame instructions bearing On the need of daily "airing." (This does not include an amble with his girl upon tho Quay.) Clerks \ipon examination Must tiptoe in rotation (Ero appointments, arc confirmed) before tho Mi»\isler-in-Charge, Whoso official aims are splendid — He mußt know when teething's ended, Xoi- awaken infant slumber with a footstep loud and large ! Ho must compile the hibtories Of soothing-syrup mysteries, ' Kccord at length the eul consequences of a "dummy" ; Ho must formulate a treatise Classifying' noxious ''sweeties" Wbosb oftects aro detrimental to the Licensed Infant's tummy. Yet altho' in vein facetious Wo h&vo mentioned several specious Bleesingr for tho Licenced Infant, wo perceive the risk is great That ho'll rise on baby pinion . To somo fairer far Dominion. (As a nation, let us guard him— lot us hold him— for tho State!) G. E. Gray. THE POST-CARD CRAZE. She's got them from China and from Peru, From Egypt, Japan, and Timbuctoo.' She's got them >n all conceivable styles,' j Fiom Italy, Belgium, the British Isles, From Switzerland, ' France, and the Isle of Man, •■ i From- Holland and Russia and Astra-, j khan. " " ' ' ' I She wants but one more to make up the j whole — - ' Then she'll be satisfied — from tho North' Pole! • . < Pictures of Paris, of London, of Rome, The .Tower, the- Louvre, and St. Peter's Dome, , ', ' ' | Tho Sphinx and tho Pyramids,' rSiiez, Canal, //11/ 1 The Rock of Gibraltar, Malta, Pall Xlall. Higgledy-piggledy, see! there they 'lie,' No trouble to write, and bo cheap to v hl V ! '.' ,v ' Most every picture's a caricature; — This is tho fashion one has to endure. , It's not the custom to write letters' now; People, it seoms, -have forgotten .just how. If of your movements friends wi?h to keep track, Just get a postal, 'with picture on back, Then write tho address, and mail it — that's all— ■ ,■ r The trouble's infinitesiraally small. Of all the sad things of pen and of ink, The. saddest- of all's' the postal, I think! —New York Times. THOUGHTFUL FREDDIE*.*, ', The visitor had dropped in, "just for a minute," but she remained about three hours after the minute" was up. ' Little, Freddie had formed several plans, the execution of which must be postponed ■ till the departure of his mother's guest; so he sat quietly thinking things. "Dear little mnn," gushed the visitor. "And what is he thinking about so deeply?" "I was wondering if it wasn't time for you to be going," said Freddie.

"Hush," caid hiSTnother. Ihen, turn- . ing to her guest: "You mustn't bo of- • fended, Mrs. Smith. Childi-ea will go ' blurting 1 out the truth without thinking; but they don't lucau anything by it." ' . Strangely enough, it was just then that Mrs. Smith -recollected that she haO only three mir.utes in which to catch the last car home. ONE INVIOLATE RULFA certain ciub in America has strict ro.gulations against gambling. A quartet .of club members decided to break the 1 .rule by a game of poker for small stakes, I ■so they adjourned to one- of Ihc small j rooms, and told an old servant to bri.ig .a pack of cardE. When ho brought them ,one of the members said : . "John, I suppose it would be some- . thing .utterly new in this club if we ;were to do such a thing as play for wonsy , >vith these cards!" " The negro scratched his head and deliberated, finally answering : "Bess, I'se .been. wiv. dis club a long time, and I"se been, many things." } '!Ycs, but vliat have you seen?" • / 1 "I'se seen ebry rule of dis club vi'lat•ed 'ceptiri* one!" '"What is that one?" ' ' ■'Do rule 'gainst gibbin' tips to do .sezvants!" ' < , — — — | A "SELF-DENIAL" STORY. • .. Mark Twain spoke at a meeting in aid 'j of tho Jews in New York recently. • Here is one of his stories :—: — ! "I want to tell you one more story, j the story of the lost opportunity. Young people don't' realise the full sadness o[ it, but who of us older people doesn't know the pathos of the lost opportunity? In the Village which is a suburb .of New Bedford a friend of mine took •mo to the dedicatioa of a town hall, and pointed out to me a bronzed,- wea-, thcr-beaten eld man over ninety years old. "' 'Do you sco any passion in that old man?' said ho to mo. "'You don't; well, but I can make ' him a perfect volcano to you. I'll jusc mention to him something very casually. And he did. . "Well, that old man suddenly gave vent to an outburst of profanity such

1 r- 1 had never heard in all my life bo* • lore. 1 listened U> him nirh that d«* , light with -i\hich ono listens to an, arii-.t. The cause of it was this : When thall old man was a young r.ailor he camu >b:sck f 1 0111 a thrce-yoar cmice and found th(s wholt town had taken the pledge. . ■ He hadn't, so he Mas cstiacised. Finally ho made up his mind he couldn't .stand ostracism any longer, and life went to tho secretary and 6aid : 'Pud my name down for that temperance society of yours.' Next day ho leUi ' on another three-year cruise. It was 1 | lotluru to nim to w:itch hin men .drink' j ing and ha pledged not to. Finally, , ; ho got home. , "He /got a iug of good stuff, ran to , the society and said j 'Take my namo light olf." "'lt isn't necessary!' said (he sccra« . fcnry; 'you were blackballed.'" ; xo hubry. • 1 Tho scene is a. reference library. When ihc action opens, a prptf y . woman is demurely turning ovor the leaves «jfi the city directory." - . Knter an irascible old man,' vho> wants 11, find tho address of a fellow wJjcn owes _• him money. 1 Ho stands and wails patiently, tilling in ,tho timo bji 1 coughing suggestively. " i A "businsss man in a hurry follows. J >Ie wants to know whpro an" lsaiah I lirov.'n lhes. It' is in .the next btrcct, I but Im< has forgotten the number. * 1I« j fails in lina. I HiJf n dozmv others who wish '„'<ii consult the directory gather ■ round. Ktill.tho woman- placidly- turns leat after leaf oviv, without oviccne intoi)tioii -to decide whether the name sho seeks is Brown. Jones, 'or Walker. ••■ When thero arc fully half a scoia turning, impatient people in line, cntet, , an' evening newspaper reporter. ' His mission will positively admit no delay, so ho politely offers to assist the woman, suggesting that his experience jnaj r tend to save timo and lessen Kor labour. ■ • When he asks her what' sho cecks, with a sweat smifo'of th£(ikf.u! appreciation, sho says: ■ - ---•' "'Oh ! Thank you ! You are' vciy kind. I hm trying to find a roally sweetly, pretty name for my neir baby-boy!"