ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXII, Issue 72, 22 September 1906, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

I/ENVOI. (With th© usual regrets.) When Earth's last scandal is printed, and the forms are battered and pied, When the newest muck-heap has crumbled, and the oldest racer has died, We shall rest, and faith, we' shall need it — lie down for an aeon or two, Till Saint Teddy, the Master Critic, shall ■ find us something to do And those that were good shall be happy : they shall sib in a cloud and rail At the swing of the stars in their courses and the curve of a comet's tail — Thomas and David, and Upton, Sammy, and Ida and Rae, They shall censure and kick and cavil, and never be tired a day. j And only Saint Teddy shall praise us, and j only Saint Teddy shall blame; j And no one shall kick for money, and no one shall kick for fame, But just for the joy of kicking, and each shall be perfectly free | To change and arrange Creation as lie j thinks that it ought to be. ! —Puck. i THE UNSPEAKABLE KUSSIAN. Each day on mutiny is bent Some famous Russian Regiment Of titlo wonderfully hard — The Unpronounceablenski Guard. Champions of freedom! surely fame Would trumpet to the world your name If she could only read 'your card — The Unpronounceablenski Guard. — Adrian Ross, in The Tatler. These are the sentiments of an American suffering from the infestation of a popular song: — "In the shade of the Ole Dapple Tree," Where you hear the blamed buzz of the bee, With a big carving knife I will take the young life Of the (finger who warbles of thee ! I am waiting and watclnng, by gee, Of Ajggera I havo two or three, And an axe and a cutls-' -. l eo hee ! And I'll stick all tho k .sPjiga In the next guy who sung 3 "In the shad© of the old apple tree." A CONSOLING THOUGHT. "When I r-read in a sermon," said Mr. Dooley, "that- th' wurrnld is going to pot, that th' foundations iv government is threatened, that th' whole fabric iv civilised s'cicty is in danger, that humanity is on th' down gnfde, an' morality ia blinkin', that men are becomin' dhrunkards, an' women g.miblers, and that th' future iv the race is desthruction, I can always console mesilf with wan thought." "What's that?" asked Mr. Henneeay. "It isn't so," £>aid Mr. Dooley. AN UNFORTUNATE APOLOGY. Apology to a lady by a certain newspaper was made to read thus by the erring compositor : "We sincerely regret the mistake which crept into our report of the theft of Madam B 's property. The luggage consisted of two bags and a' rug — not two rug& and a bag, aa stated through our printer's error. We hope that Madame B , who is.now starving in the provinces, will accept this apology in th© spirit in which we offer it." Next day, in a special and profuse paragraph, the word "starving" wot. replaced by "aterring"' and this time the jocular printer must have been held well in check, for the letterpress appeared without a flaw. GETTING EVEN. Two ladies, who lived near one another, were great friends until one managed to secure an exceptionally good cook. The other, actuated by envy, and making sure of the mistress's absence, went to see this cook on© morning, and offered her more money than she was then getting.' But the loyal cook declined to change her place. Several days later the two ladies met at a dinner party, and the first cut the second dead. "Why, Mrs. Jinks," said the hostess, "you know Mra. Blank, don't you?" Mrs. Jinks replied, "I often hear of her. She sometimes calls on my cook, I understand." "He said ho would lay the earth at my feet," gushed the sentimental girl. "Yes," answered Miss Cayenne. "It sounds good ; but it is. not practical. You already have the earth at your feet. What you want is a good house over your head." , It was nine miles from anywhere, and the motor had broken down. "Do you know anything about automobiles?" asked the owner, speaking to a man in a gig who, was driving along. "Yes, sir," said tho man, "I do; I've been run over by four of 'em. Good morning." The health officer received tho following letter from a resident in his district: — "Dear Sir,— l beg to tell you that my child, aged eight months, is suffering of measles as required by Act of Parliament." A formal fashionable Visitor thus addressed a little girl: "How are you, my dear?" "Very well, I thank you," she replied. The visitor then added, "Now my dear, you should ask me how I am." "I don't want to know," the child answered, simply and honestly. "Ah," she signed, "I shall never hear nis footstep agwn ; the step I have listened for with eager oaro as he came through the garden gate, that stop that has so often thrilled my soul as I heard it on "the front porch. Never, neVer again!" "Has he left you?" asked, the sympathetic friend. "No; ho nas taken to wearing rubber heels." Some American visitors were being shown the treasures of the Sir John Soane Museums Tho curator said that a certain exhibit was in "cork." Ono of the_ ladies of the party replied. "That is curious, for we arc just g6ing to visit' some' friends,"t here!" ''I mean, madam," said tho curator, "that this model was made out of cork." "That is still more curious, for our friends live a littlo way out of Cork." Ho gave it up. Mistress : Mercy on me, what a kitchen. Every pot, pan, and dish is dirty, the table looks like a marine store dealer's, and— why, it will take you s. week to got things cleaned up. What have you been doing? Servant: Sure, mum, tho young ladies have jtist been down here showing me how they bake a potato at the cooking school. Seene — A Court of Justice. Tedious K.C. ia addressing the jury in nn accident case, a bag having fallen from a window on to the head of the plaintiff. Tedious K.C. ; I know not, gentlemen, for my instructions do not tell me, what were the contents of the bag. Conceivably it may have been a bag of coals ; possibly it may have been a bag of malt ; perchance it may have been a mailbag The Judgo : Perhaps it was a windbag. "Sormon-stealers," said a minister "ought to be careful. They ought to read over several times the sermons that they steal before delivering them I know a young man ■of twenty-one or twenty-two who preached a stolen sermon he aad not read over, and in tho most impressive part h« found himself declaiming:— 'My friends, when I first came among you more than forty years ago these thin, white locks were thick and brown, and this bent back,' etc. Another sormon-stealer, preaching in a village of about a hundred souls, said, boforo he could check himself: — 'In tho teeming atioeta of this great m.etroDoli^' 'i