"LIFE'S FITFUL FEVER."

Evening Post, Volume LXXII, Issue 72, 22 September 1906, Page 9

"LIFE'S FITFUL FEVER."

ODD SYMPTOMS. (By Dr. F. H. Charity.) FOOTBALL. ft is the office of the Minister for Football. The walla are adorned with photographs of renowned New Zealand forwards, five-eightha, three-quirters, and to on. In a bottle on a shelf there is * large hairy ear that a, wing-lorward ■witched from a front-ranker in tht* Land ot the Leek. Oyot the door bangs a aealp which & Ink-forward whipped from ttw enmium of a foeman in Irelaad. From fame to time the Minister **lps himself from a snuff-box made from ■» kuge nose-bridge which one of onr gallanti secured in South Africa. All around there is evidence «f New Zealand prowess on mnnj a field of battle n foreign lands. The head of the department looks worried, for he is puzzled to Itnow how he will make his vote of £100,000 go all round New Zealand, ■with every little community demanding a morgue, a resident surgeon, and other necessaries for football. Just when his brow is tied in a knot for the sixteenth time, a subordinate knocks, and thrusts & seared face through the door. "Another deputation," he whispsrs, as he dodges, a skull (once owned by Llewellyn, of Nmxllfyll) which the irate chief hurl? at him. 'Bring 'em in, bring 'em all in,** he roars. "Bring the whole town in. Deputations, deputations, and more deputations. I don't know where they get all the- deputations. There are only a million people in this colony, but there are a million billion deputations. They are infatuations, taikuations, talkudunblindaßdsilliatione. Hand me my trusty axe. No/* atop! I'll try to be calm, bat just for once. Get you some red ink and write a notice: 'The next deputationiser will have to go in the {root rank of the scrum, in the next battle between Auckland and Wellington. ' The Lord have mercj on this soul. God save the King.' Bring in the talking machines." There "was a nervous shuffling of feet, a hurried whispering, and then the army entered. It was a contingent of boilermakers, blacksmiths, bank managers, lawyers, navvies, clergy, md politicians. ' I'he Rev. Dr. X. introduced the resriWMit with a nervous "m —m —m." "We feel," he said, "that the fsir fame and name cf this land of the free is likely/ to be besmirched if we continue to keep Wallace in the position of five-eighths. Svmehow, I think that he is not earning the £1000 a year th.it the depart-, went gives him. Only last Sunday II was J talking the matter over with an elder of my congregation, and we agreed that Wallace's foot was losing seme of its? 'devil' Beg pardon; the word j slipped out in spite of my decree. His ' punting does not always get the pocket —I mean the line — and when he is after a man or the ball his eye has a j roving commission among the fair cm j the speetatorial benches which I like , act too well. I think, and my lay deputationi&ts think, that a reduction of his salary by £250 might have a salutsry effect. Then there is Roberts, who should do a lot more iD a snug billet worth £600. Member? of my congregation say — and the deputation. corroborates — th-it his chest and shoulders are not so pugnacious as they used to be. Formerly he would run into a man rather than skip aronnd him j but latterly, whether the fle«h is willing or not, the spirit seems jaded, and he hss taken to the habit of dodging, a reprehensible practice in him. As a minister of the Gospel, I■ do not like to see iicnecsssftry bloodshed, but in a just cause —and a battle with Australia is a jnst cause — I do think it is reasonable to see the enemy afflicted. For the sake 'of New Zealand, home, and beauty, ,1 believe that homicide is justifiable; but it is months since Roberta killed a man. Why, when our army lost invaded Wales, he brought back a paltry thumb which he won from the full-back, I think, and 7 therefore ask: b it reasonable to pay a man £600 a yiar, when one enemy's solitary thumb v all he has to show for it?" After other deputationists had similarly spoken, the Minister tersely replied. "They are two good men," he exclaimed, "and I consider we should not be in a hurry to dock their emoluments. Wallace's sin is not original. I think he has simply followed the example of the knights of old. What is wrong with Wallace castin? his eyes/towards the fair ones when his hands are waving the gory ear of a foeman? However, I cannot say that 1 altogether condone the practice. My officers shall watch him and others, and if they are round to be spending toe much of their eyesight on the ladies' pavilion, I shall have blinkers put upon them. As for Roberts and others who appear to he losing some of their *bite,' a simple tliin^ will cure them They should be dieted. I shall despatch them to the State Training School for a month} and they shall be chained up, with nothing to eat but raw meat. Do' you remember the effect that treatment had on our historic wiu"er, Slogger? He got most of the exhibits in the Glory Boom, but he began to grow meek and tnild, and latterly wou'd return from Australia, with nothing but two or three eyebrows, a few fingers, a knee-cip, «nd other trifles to show for ten iratches. W,« raw-meited him, and he brought back enoush booty nest time to -fill every vacent place on the sVlves in the "nVery and leavo a surplus for the rnr^i-al schools, enough to keep them going overtime fsr a year." ,In conjunction with the remarks of titt' deputation and the Minister may be' 1 read some of the "sayings of Poor Forrard," written by Dr. Charity a few years ago. "Are you troubled with pains in the chest, arhes in the back, etc.? Well, co in tho front r?nk o* th'e serum, and you will forget ihose other pains." . • . Don't grip a man by the hair; get hold of his ear —it's not so likely to come off. . . . Give and tike in football. Givo hits, and tcke bits off ycrar opponent's fnrae. . . Don't kick in close quarters ; you haven't room to get a swins on. ... Folks talk ot playing with your head; I've always found it more pleasant to play with other fe'lows' heads . . . It's » nvstake to 'wind' a man. A little rubbing,] and he's a* fresh as if nothing Sad happened. . . . Don't lio on the ball; there's more room on an opponent. . . . Pay strict attention ♦o details in a match. I've krown a m*n to put his les out of joint through missing an opponent hj two inch's . . A clever dortor oU7ht to make it. rood fooib»l'<r. He knows tho most vu'nsrtb'e pl*c<* of a man's anitomy, Mr! would nsver b- «u«pected of Einwter design*. - . . Don't ?o at a man 5m ferr.'-iotislv, at firs*. He'll read your TitTHrns and be on his (juord. . . . Fnofbnll bis nn e'evati rlt effort on a wan it he is kicked hard enough."

The Government of West Australia bas decided to offer a reward of £200 for information which may lead to the conviction of the persons who effcted the robbery at Hunnan's .Reward battery. The* Chan ber of Mines will supplement this with £300,