ALLEGED HUMOUR.

Evening Post, Volume LXXII, Issue 12, 14 July 1906, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR.

THE TIME TO HEAR THE CHORUS. Now you hear tho eld-time chorus on the river banks so screen. Where the lazy w:\ter-lilies o'er the ripples 101 l an' lean, An' the sunbeam comes, a-slantin' through the ovcrhangin' trees, An' you git a scent o' blossoms from tho meadow blowin' breeze — "Fish, fish, fish! An' the line a-goin' 'Swish !' Oh, the perch is sich a beauty When he's. fried, an' in tho dish !" What joys are now tho fisherman's, who lingers long an' late On the green banks of a river, with a demijohn of bait ! Though he iollers Ananias when his "catch" is mighty slim, It's a halleluia season to the very soul o' him ! "Fish, fish fish! An' the line a-goin' 'Swish !' Oh, the perch is sich a beauty When he's fried, an' in tho dish !" Atlanta Constitution. A WOMAN'S WAY. A younfj Benedict met an old friend, and after the usual greetings, the former said, "Oh, Brown, 1 want to ask you a question, as I know you arc a man of experience." ' "Ask away," said Brown. "If you bought your wife a nice neediest of drawers, how many of those drawers would you consider yourself entitled to use for yourself?" "My boy," said Brown, "you haven't been married long, have you?" "No," said the other. "I thought not," said Brown. "Look here, my Doy ; if a woman had a chest of drawers as long as this street she would find something to put in each of them. Take my advice ; if you have anything you want to take care of, wrap it up in a piece of paper and put it under the bed:" INCORRIGIBLE. A ceitain mother, in despair of break- i ing her little boy- of swearing, at last j threatened that the next time he used I a bad word she would banish him from : homo. The very next day he exDlodcd-i a big, big D. • "lam very sorry, Willie," said mother, i "but I have never broken my word to ! you, so now -you must leave home." \ The maid packed the child's little j bag, and ho, without a whimper, but j with round, wondering eyes, and down- j cast mouth, kisßcd his mamma and departed. The mother's eyes were dim J as she watched her baby boy in his blue travelling suit sturdily trudging away, without one faltering, backward glence. A long way off Willie set his burden on the ground, and himself perched solemnly on the kerb, chin in hands, in deep meditation. The spectacle was too much for the fond ' mother-heart. Very quietly mamma sped down tho road, and tiptoed up behind Master Willie. As she was hovering, on the very point of surprising him with tearful kisses, a pompous old man appeared. "Child," he said, "child, will you — hum — tell me where Mr. Milliken lives?" All ! Now mamma's little man would show his excellent breeding. Willie raised his solemn blue eyes, and regarded tho pompous man coldly. "You go to blazes," ho said calmly, "I have troubles of my own." HIS CATCH. "Cot a bite, captain?" "Yes; an' he's a whopper, too. I ain't quite sure whether I've hooked him. Yes ; there he is. 1 fsel him a-wrigglin' on the lino. He's a great, bjg, striped bream." "How do you know what kind of a fish it is?" "How do I know?" repeated the old man, as ho began slowly and deliberately to haul in his line, and he threw into his voice supreme pity for tho ignorance implied by tho question. "How do I know? Why, young mail, 111 1 can tell what kind of a fish it is by tho way it bites. Now» there's an eel ; ho kind o' makes littlo bits of pecks at yer bait, and then he takes hold and swims away with your line, sort o' casy-like. Then there's the pike ; he sucks yer bait, an' ye can't hardly feel him pull. An' then there's tho perch ; he takes hold right away, and swims off like a streak." "And how does the bream bite?" interrupted tho young man. "Oh, he monkeys around a wholo lot, and then ho takes hold all of a sudden, and swims away down stream. I knowed right away when this fellow took hold he was a bream. I never made no mistake I " Just then the old man's catch came to tho surface. It was a cast-off boot ! READY TO LISTEN. "Can I talk to you a few minutes?" asked the life insurance agent. "Yes," replied the managing editor, "if you don t mind walking aoout tho building with me. I haven't really the time to sit down." "That's all right," said the agent. "I'd prefer that, really." The- managing editor led the way out to the composing room, thence into the telephone .department, stopping every moment or two to converse with some operative, and took his caller at last into the machine room where the huge printing machines were filling the air with their unearthly din. '.'Now," ho said, yelling into the ear of the life insurance man, "I am ready to listen to you. Go ahead." A SHOCK ALL ROUND. A young girl say in her bedroom with a novel. Her - hair was down and her feet were in- red slippers. Now and then, extending her white arms, she yawned. You see, it was very late, and downstairs in tho rfrawingroom her older sister was entertaining a, young man. She naturally fe't a deep interest in tho entertainment. She was waiting to hear how it would terminate. And at last there was a sound in the hall, a crash as of a closing door, and was plain to the impatient girl that tho young man had gono. She threw down her novel, and running forth, peered over tho balustrade down into the hall's intenso blackness. "Well, Maude," she said, "did you land him?" There was no immediate reply to her question. Thero was a silence, a peculiar silence, a silenco with a certain strained quality in it^ Then a masculine voice replied: "She did." CANNED ELABRA. A New York woman tells of an experience which 6ho had recently in one of the large department stores. She was looking for some house-furnishings, and, walking up to one of the floorwalkers, asked where ,sho could see the candelabra. "All canned goods two counters to tno left," answered the official guide briefly. "Is your husband going to Mrs. Simpson's funeral?" "Decidedly not! She never returned my last call." "How do you Hko "this weather?" "Most disagreeable." "And how's your wife?" "Just the same, thanks!" Bridegroom (proudly) : Just look at my young wife,; doesn't she look queenly"? Friend (wisely) : Yos, she docs ; but wait until she begins to rule. Ruddy— But,- of course, Jiko anybody else, you aro not fond of money for itrf clfV Duddy — Oh, no; I'm fond of it for myself ! Did her father kick you out last night? No; ho missed me, lost his balance, and I carried him into tho house, and .was forgiven.

Why did you have the sun-dial moved, j Amy? "I wanted it where the moonlight would shine on it, so we could tell the time of night." He -. The prettiest girls always marry the biggest fools, you know. She : Am I to consider that in the nature of a proposal ? Professor : We will now read a chapter in concord. Pupil (whispering 'to scat-mate) : Tell me, quick, is 'Concord' in the Old or Now Testament? > Millionaire (fatuously) : 4nd would you have loved mo if I had been poor? She (without thinking) : I should never have known you. Lady — You said this parrot had the gift of soeech. He does nothing but holier and shriek and say nothing. Dealer — I meant the gif£ uv 'political speech,' lady. Servant: If I might make so bold as to suggest, sir Master (irritably) : We want none of your suggestions ; we want nothing from you but silence, and not mucli of that. An architect remarked to a lady thab he had been to sec the great nave in -the new church. The lady replied : "Dou't mention names ; I know the man to whom you refer !" Belated Traveller. — Wha's matter? Cabby — Ere's a nice go ! One of the front wheels 'as bin 'an come off ! B.T. -'-"Well, knock off t'other, an' make the beastly thing a hansom !" — Punch 'They found a cigar in a safe that had fallen down five stories in San Francisco and wasn't the least bit damaged by the fire." "I'es, I've tried to smoke several of tnose cigars." Molly-: There's a cow; I'm so afraid of- cows ! Cholly: It won"t harm you' Miss -Molly, as long as I am with you. Molly : I know that — but when it starts after me you won't be with me. Hostess : Have you got as much as you would like, Johnny ? Johnny (eyeing the good things on tlie table) : Well I haven't got as much as I would like., but I'.vo got as much as I can hold. "I hear Mrs. Galley , was quite a beauty in her youth." Yes; my uncle was going to marry her, but she eloped." "Ah! and jilted your uncle?" "Jilted him out of his fee, yos. My uncle was her pastor." Harry, seven years old, came homo from school the other day and rushed into his mother's room with the news. "Mother what do you think V We're going to have physical torture twice a week now !" i Kind Lady — What do you mean by putting my spoon in your pockets after eating the pudding? Sandy Pikes — Oh, pardon me, mum, it -was force of habit. 1 was rich' once and contracted the souvenir habit. "Gentleman," said the parliamentary candidate, "you charge mo with having turned my coat. Years ago I bupported this measure. Then I had a reason. But now, gentlemen, I have lost my reason." And he wondered at the deafening applause that greeted this statement. "How well your wife plays Lady Geraldino, Mr. Jones/ said Mrs. Futinit, at the private theatricals. "l think tho way she puts on that awful affected tone is just splendid. How does she manage it?" Mr. Jones (with-embarass-ment): "Ei" — she doesn't. That's' natural." "I've got a washing machine here," began the inventor. The capitalist looked^at him in tho cold calculating manner common to capitalists, and answered: — "Well, if I were you, I'd run st«--ight home and use it." That night tho Anaichiit band received another application for membership. A very original essay on water by n veiy small boy is quoted. He divides all water into four varieties — rain water, ooda-water, holy water, and brine. Water) he continues, is used for a good many things. Sailors use water to go to sea on. Water is r, good thing to fire at boys with a squirt gun, and to catch fishes in." But tho strangest of all uses for water is this : — "Nobody," ho says, "could be saved from drowning if there wasn't water to pull them out of."