ALLEGED HUMOUR,

Evening Post, Volume LXXI, Issue 47, 24 February 1906, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR,

ED. AND FLO. Flo wns fond of Kboncsw— Kb for short eho caicil licv Ijpiui ; Tnlk of "titjes of love," great Caesar I You should see 'cm Kb and Flo. —Cornell Widow, Kb nnd Plo they stood as sponsors When Flo's sistor Wns a bride, And when brido nnd gioom receded. They, too, wont out with tho tied. Yonkdrs Statesman. When thoir flrst. child came— a daughter— The nurse, for a larger fee, Went to snmo one oho who sought her, Leaving Eb and Flo nt sea. Chicago Record Herald. This happy couple, ]0b and Flo, lhon named thoir little daughter— To bo in keoping, don't you know— Mmnehnlm, Lnuglung Water. — Springfield (Mass.) Union. Next came triplets, heaven blew* 'cm I Ebonezer looked quito crave, Tlicn quoth ho to his Floretlai "This looks hko a tidal wave!" —Boston Post. When those cherubs of tho sea Hnd tho colic— yt% nil tlivec— lib and Flo both lost much sleep, Rocking tho "ciadlo of tho deep." — Grafton C. Allon. Tho triplets now arc cutting teeth, And, alas, it hence befalls That in 10b and Flo's hfe-voynge lhero tiro many giiovous squalls. ~Rex 11, Lnmpinnn. GROWING OLD. What can bo sadder than to fcol tho dill autumn, of life coming on .when tlio shady side of tho valloy ha* been, reached, and tho oyo is turned backward toward tho green nnd nmlit fields, which exist in memory alone. How sadly setlies down upon tho human heail the sorrotfful truth that tho brightest and bond of existence hn« fled. The tear will un» bidden start a« wo think o" those tfottrs replete with gladness now gone fovevev— thoso dear delightful years before we trod the rough and rugged road of experience, nnd bit off moio than we could masticate. We call to mind how the cold clammy truth wan revealed to us nt oho time, that in gathering tho full-blown wse» of life, too oft we gather also tho fovoririi and irritable bumble-bee nestling In its petals. How freshly how comes back to vi tho memory of Hint bright autumnal day when tho sky was one viwit sea of golden billow*— thai day whin we made some scientific experiments with what is cnlhd three-card monlo, and went homo without our overcoat. Wo were making nn estimate last evening of the value of a few items of exporiento which wo now have on hnnd, and among the more valuable ones wo will natno tho following. I—Cost1 — Cost of experiments with mixed drinks, 2000 dollars. Expense of calling as large, healthy man n liar, 50 dollars. Experience with ostensibly dis* nblod hornets, 375 dollnrp. Cost of winning tho love nnd confidenco of an orphan mule, 600 dollars. Little lessons in investigating different games of chance, with a view to making them a business, 2600 dollnre, Experiments with watermelons, guarded by irritable bulldogs, 626 dollars. Cost of unavailing efforts to prevent baldness, 783,20 dollars. Expense of personal investigation o!f lotteries, 939.26 dollars, Actual cost of obtaining thirteen dollars' worth of fame, which Is now for sale nt tho nbovo price, nnd still in good working ordor, though slightly tarnished, 17,380 dollars,— Nyo s Boomerang* I A NUW VERSION, It wins it wet day, nnd Jamie Stoddarb could not go out to play. Mr*. StocMart, who hnd just cleared nwny tho brenkfnub things, and wns nbout to commence a. big heap of ironing, noticed signs of inoipient rostlessnees ,in tho laddie, nnd »nid— l! Now, 1 hope you'll be a, good boy; tho day, Jamie j t'vo nn awfu' lot of work to dae, an' I onnna line ye bothering me," i "Wull ye gie mo a penny if I'm nAvfu' quid a' day Tang?" asked her son. , "Mebbe I will," wns ihe reply} "but Would it.no' be better to bo a quid laddlo just to pleaco mo?" . "I'm no' sno shuir.o' that," answered tho lnddlo reflectively; "ma tOßohor- ftt the soliulo myn it's aye bettor to be good ovon for. a little than ,to be gnid for nacthlng." Ho got that penny.— People's Jouvnnl. HER REMEDY. Aunt Mflhnly, an old nogress with a worthless husbandy was rolatlng her troubles to her minister, says Harper's Magazine. The usual condolences were offered by the latter and remedies suggested,' but nt each one Aunt Mahnly shook a doubting hend— she hnd tried them all without avail. The minister sighed and pondered, nnd at last hnd an inspiration. Ho leaned to Aunt Mnhaly, who brightened visibly. "Si»' Mnhaly," he said, "hob you eber tried heapln' coals or flic on lil» hald?" Th« gleam of hope fadod from Aurib Mahnly's face. "No, Hro'r Jackson, I ain't novcr done dnt, but I's tried po'in hot water ovuh him." MR. GILBERT CAUGHT NAPPING. Mr. W. 8. Gilbert was once In 'tho paddock nt Snndown with a friend, watching tho horses n» theyiiwere lea round, jfoar them stood a, wefl-drosdfod stranger. Ono of tho borsos lnshcTl out suddenly, causing tho stranger to 'atari so violently that ho bumped ngsinst Mr. Gilborti Apologies, says M.A.P., .w«re given nnd accepted ( but when, a mlnuto or two later, the same thing happened again, Mr. Gilbcit began to feel and to look very angry, and tho stranger, nppnTettlly much nubamed of bis lack of Bolf-eon'irn), hurried out of tho paddock. "Tlmt's a pretty specimen of .British manhood," said Mr. Gilbert contempt u« ,ously, looking after tho retronting figure. Ten minute* Inter ho discovered that his watch nnd chain, scarf-pin, nnd pocketbook had vanished— of course, ''with tho ne-T.voUB stranger. A BOY, A MM), AND A HAT. Professor Slnrr, the fniumw ethnologist, was ono de\y in his humorous nnd whimsical way neuumiiK Moinan of barbnrinin. "And *\\n In not only bnrbnrous —she is illogical «nd tncinwWnU" ho exclaimed. "I was walking In the country olio day with a young woman, In a provo wo enmo upon n liny nbout to flhin up ft tree, Tlicro wns' n nest in (ho tree, nud from a certain nnulo It was powlbin to we In it three eafit>. " 'Yon wicked little boy,' nnid mj* companion, "nrc you goinn up there to rob that upkl? 1 "'I am,' tho boy replied coolly. '"llow can you? 1 she exclaimed, "Think how the mother will grieve over the loss of her eggs.' '"Oil, n\\b won't enro,' snld tho boy. '.She's up there In your hat. 1 " TtMeher i Tommy, what li the name of the lnrnrsl known clinmondY Tommy: Tho lire. Up s Did you know 1 hud heroine an nrtorY Hho : No. All I heard urn that jnll llild flniir tin (ho *tnn<\ "How ninny plops hit* thnt orgnn yo\i lirm^lit- your iliniphlei''" "Five—breakf«*li dinner, lea. suuucr. nud bed 1"

THRU 1 THEY ADJOURNED. One dny when Scnntor Bevoridgo w«s in one ot his most eloquent flights, oM Senator Pettus, uf Akbnmn, gob up and ,«*kod lenvo to interrupt. "Does tho Senator frum Indiana yield to the Senator from Alabama V thundered thc'Vice-President. "Nothing," replied Boverldgo, "affords or can ever afford tho Senator from Indiana more pleasure than to yield to the distinguished nnd nblo Senator from Alabama, who never mnlceu a raeeoJi himself or interrupts the speech or nn» other Senator without adorning it wilh a brilliant radiance." Pettus stood thero with his jnwg wagghitt with the inevitable «\d of tobNcco until Beverldge hnd finished the sentence, nnd then said i —"Mr. President, 1 move we adjourn." And they adjourned. charivarialFrom punch. It is rumoured that, to fhotf that hfl In in earnest in his dosiro for- better rela« tlons between England and Germany, the Kaiser is about to retail from this nountry tlio many roving German bands which nse doing w> much dnmngo. " . Thoso who ftny that Sir Ttoniy Camp-bell-Banncrman will not duio to carry out his proposed inductions in the annamonts of our (ountry forget Hint as Minister of War ho showed an aetlvo ooutempt for the motto Sursum Cordite. A lady visiting Norwich last week wns tnken to see the utnlne of Sir Thomas Browne, Bho remtvrked thnt sho had road his "School-days," but did not know that he had been knighted, nnd wns very glnd thnt a monument hnd been creeled to him. A hard case lias been brought to our nolico. A warrant officer who linn lim chronometer stolen in n crowd on Boxing Day, is, according to our informal ion, ti» bo conrt-mnrliallcd for nbsenting himself from his watch. For callous heart levmexs commend us to tho following notice at a Baby Show j --"All Infants not irmuvea withli. U(i days of Ihe clfmiiig.of the Kxhibilion will bo confiscated." M. dc NolidolV, tho Russian Ainbnssndor in l'nrin, celebrated last weok tho tlftieth year of his entry Into the Dlplomntio Scrvire, nnd «ns noiigrßluitttod by tho Tear -on being in Paris. HB WAs"7TfIAM,O»» "Seamen's TClurn" tiokots ore \m\tA by most British railways nt seaport towns to sailors nl reduced rules. When n somowhat f>t,vli.'hly dieted young man demauded ono to Bli-mU\Rhnm, tlio booking clerk (it v s>outhein seaport town donnirrcrt " 'Simmon's returns' nre only Issued to snilois," ho snapped. "Well, I'm a sailor," wan tho ltply. "1 lmvo only your word for that." Mid the dork j "how am I to know it i* correct r , "How aw you to know?" rnme tho answer i "why, you lontlior-nockctl, RWivel-nyi'd mhi of n mm cook, if you (rrl my stnrmmid bomn nmninn f«"il uf your hendliuhts you'll knnw I've been doing mote than nit on it ntiml nnd li'.onlln^ nil my llffc, and you'll him) in <n\ yom jaw tnckUi n liil." The slatlon Hinder Iml l« % c»i Mnndin^ near by. "liive him a tickcl," lio tuiJ ; , "he's a ffiiilot*' 1

DECLINED WITH.' TRANRB. Mr. Hohnikor Heaton is not tho flrsb mrfn (snys St. James's lhidgol) whow deolinntion of n proffered title has been respectfully plnetd iiv the hn,nd» of lh» King. It wwi tho perJsonnl wish of His Mnjesty t« rewnrd Sir William Harcourt With nn cnrldom, but 1 hough Sir William, had ivhiot,«intly coiiflcnlod to bo knight* od whon mndo SoHcitor-tJenorAl he gratefully declined Ihis further honour. Mr. Chaplin, too, lms begged to b« excuse* the lionour of transference to tho Upper Houso. Tho late Justice D&mnnn remained plain "Mr. Justico" to tho ond of his dap, tho only unknightod Judge on Iho Donah 1 . Sir Robert Wright would S;ladly lmvo {ivoidod hid knighthood, but IB had to tftlco it. when ho relinquished stuff for ermine. "Why," ho grumbled, "every provincial mnynr or philnntroplst or pork-butclipr gets a knighthood nowndays, nnd ib is an indignity to clnss a Judge of the Supremo Court with Mich company." tt Another gpntlomnn dlwfltWled nt promotion wns t-toe Into Sir Onmc* Covry. Uo wnh Upon tho was when Lord Snlmlmry, plcasPd to honour stuidy n pillin «>P Ulster loynllsm, bogged (lie Sovoicign to confer upon him n knlghlhnod, (!ie,it, van Iho inilignntion of tlio innn thus lmii ourcd when he enmo ii.»lioir and henul iipople nddrcxiiii? him <o "Sir Jjunrs ' Tho nnmo rconll* nnnlUer ncntlrmnn vhom our fi lends aci'o«s the Clinnncl always called "Sir Jnmcs,' 1 when tbry should have snid "Sir Tleniy Jnmcs," Uo made his right against th«< lilY n\ tlm Mnmo time wilb Sir William llnieouit. ITe did Hilt mind being Solicit in-nonn;il, but ho did object to (he knighlhooil, 'I'lii. nfllcfi and tho title weio not in^pp uablc, ho argued, lift ond Sir Willi.nri foiii In, the mill lor out with Glad Mono, luil t)io latter vn» 100 keen n Micklov fnr uso ,nul wont tn glvo way, Tlicy hnd to yuM Tho Insl of tho Vlnnlngonel* died ,i kniffhl t the man who fnr run 1 .! ionco mKo deollnod tho Lord Olinrnplouhip i'< to-dny Lord JnuiPS of ltcrcfoul.