ALLEGED HUMOUR,

Evening Post, Volume LXX, Issue 61, 9 September 1905, Page 11

ALLEGED HUMOUR,

IF BILL WAS THERE. If Bill was there — There where the Jap and Russ Are raisin' such a fuss — The cables would be sizzin' hot A-tellin' of the fights they fought, For Bill— he's got the whole thing planned : How eacli one ought to make a stand, And just how either could begin And, with no trick at all, could win. There would be trouble in the air If Bill was there. If Bill was there — He'd take his submarines ,And rapid-fire machines And tow 'em slowly, after dark, Right up to where he's put a mark Near that there town — it's name, b'gee! Runs out some, fifteen miles to sea — And then you bet there' d somethin' drop. . He'd fight below 'em and' on top, And some one sure would get a sc"are If Bill was there. If Bill was thereHe's stuck a dozen pins To mark the outs and ins Of how he'd march a million men Across the land and back again And put the foeman in the ditch. Whose men? What side? He don't care which ! He says sometimes he fairly aches To see how both sides make mistakes. There would be fightin' everywhere If Bill was there. If Bill was there — ( But he's at Miller's store — Him and a dozen more Of our town's keenest stragetists, With stubby pencils in their fists, Concoctin' battles and campaigns That take in all the seas and plains. If either one — the Russ or Jap — Is lookin* for a likely chap, To run the war with tact and skill, They'll send for Bill. — W.D.N. in Chicago Tribune. A STEEL-,OIL LULLABY. Rock-a-by, Rockefeller, now you're on top. When you say s6 the market will rock, When you say so the Steel Trust will fall, And down will go market, and Morgan, and all. Rock-a-by, Rocky, rock-a-by rocks, Cradled in steel-oil, pillowed in stocks ; When the stocks break the market must fall, And down will come Rockefeller, market, and all. — Wallace Irwin. CAUSE AND~EFFECT. A certain counsel for the Treasury was driving to the Quarter Sessions. He noticed the chairman of sessions walking along in the muddy road, and hailing him gave him a lift. But he was nonplussed 'when the chairman, who had been so affable in tho cab, suddenly in Court became curt and sullen. In the end the obliging barrister lost his application judgment against him being delivered with, scant ceremony. In the midst of his bewilderment his sleeve was twitched, and the usher whispered, huskily, "Beg pardon, sir, do you know »vhat you've done?" "I haven't the faintest idea." "Why, sir, you ran in and left? the chairman to pay for your cab, sir." ALL-ENGROSSING "BRIDGE." i The following story is being told "on" a Kansas City couple whose marriage was announced recently. The young man persuaded the girl to marry him while they were in another town on an excursion trip. They came home, and "for two weeks told no one their secret. One night they were playing bridge whist with the girl's parents. They had decided to spring their surprise that night, and tho young man was .trying all through* the game to get up nerve t enough to do so. Finally he screwed up his courage. In the middle of a hand he turned to the girl's father, and said-. "I've something to tell you. Grace and 'I were married three weeks ago." A look of anger spread over the father's face. Glaring across the boird at 'the girl's mother, he said : " "Hang it, Hattie! What made you lead that ace? You've lost us another trick." "The boss asked me what made me look so tired," said Gailey, the clerk, "and I told him I was up early this morning." "Huh !" snorted the bookkeeper, "you never got up early in your life." "I didn't say I 'got up.' I said I 'was up.' " First Artist — "Well, old man, how is business?" Second Artist — "Oh, splendid ! Got a commission "this morning for a. millionaire. Wants his children painted very badly." First Artist (pleasantly)—" Well, my boy, yau're the very man for the job." Senator Dubois was lamenting the decay of oratory among American statesmen. "With only a 'few exceptions," he said, "we have in Washington no orators worthy of the name. On this account I had to accept in silence during the last session an acid criticism from a clever woman, 'I attended a meeting of the Senate the other day,' she said, 'and that night I had a terrible dream.' 'What did you dream?' said I. The woman smiled. 'I dreamed,' she said, 'I went again.' " Mark Twain in his lecturing, days reached a small Eastern town one afternoon, and went, before dinner, to a baTber's to be shaved. "You are a stranger in the town, sir?" the barber asked. "Yes, I'm a stranger here," was the reply. "We're having a good lecture here to-nijrht, sir," said the barber. "A Mark Twain lecture. Are you going to it?" "Yes, I think I will," said Mr. Clemens. "Huve you got your ticket yet ?" the barber asked. "No, not yet," said the other. "Then, sir, you'll have to stand." "Dear me !" Mr. Clemens exclaimed. "It seems as if I always do have to stand when I hear that man Twain lecture." That well-known New England author and preacher, the' late Elijah Kellogg, once told the following story, anent the origin of certain "old wives'" notions: — A country, doctor in the early days of the last lecntury was called to attend a man who was suffering from a severe attack of pleurisy. Wishing to blister tho patient, he seized the only available thing, the family hammer, plunged it into a kettle of boiling water, and, after getting it hot, raised several blisters by touching the patient over the seat of the pain. Eyer afterwards all the old womon in that section knew that there was nothing equal to "boiled x hammers" for pleurisy, and there was a hot dispute as to tho best kind of^ a hammer to use, but the oldfashioned clawhammer finally won the day.